Tales of a Neverland Lost Girl

Tired

I'm tired.

All the time.

I have no energy for anything.

Not school.

Or family.

Or even my little brother who is my best friend.

I would never refuse him anything.

Lately I've found myself saying "not now" "I can't" "maybe later" when he asks me to just sit and watch a movie with him.

I've been spending a lot of time alone.

I don't feel like going out or making plans.

I used to go out every weekend.

I used to be so happy and full of energy.

Maybe the reason I'm so tired is because I never sleep.

I don't have time to sleep.

I can't shut up the voices in my head long enough to go to sleep in silence.

I don't have enough patience to lay down and close my eyes and wait.

I'm up at night.

Always thinking.

I think too much.

I wish I didn't think.

I wish my thoughts could be taken away and then I'd never have to listen to their constant chatter through the night.

I'm tired of people asking if I'm okay.

Don't they know that it's going to be the same lame response every fucking time?

"I'm fine".

It's a constant repetition of these two words.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

The words are a lie but it stops people from pestering me about what could possibly be wrong.

I don't know what's wrong.

There are good days and there are bad days.

I'm sorry if either inconveniences you.

I'm sorry that I can't always be smiling and happy and fine...because I'm not.

Maybe the reason I can't sleep at night is because I cry so hard that I have a migraine the next day.

Maybe it's because I have a weight in my chest.

Like an elephant crushing me under its mass.

Maybe I'm tired because I'm always on my phone.

Looking at other people's lives.

Thinking about how beautiful that life is.

Thinking about how that could be my life.

I'm not the most religious but I believe in God and reincarnation.

If we fuck up in this life we always have the next.

A cycle of lives until finally you get it right and enter Heaven....or Hell.

Whichever you prefer.

Why am I so tired?

Why do I have no motivation for anything?

Why am I so god damn sad all the time?

I don't know man.

They say it's a chemical imbalance or some shit in your brain.

I don't know.

Maybe it's medical.

I'm mental.

I'm fucked up.

It's okay.

I'm not okay, but it is.

I see other people and they don't seem to get how much it actually hurts to go to school or accomplish something or even get out of bed.

I was really convinced that I was not moving from my mattress this morning.

But I'm going to school.

I'm gonna go because I wanna see someone.

They keep me going.

They are my only saving grace at the moment.

Them and music.

I love music.

There's like like this contract between singer and listener.

A contract that the singer can sing about what makes them feel the way they feel and the listener sympathizes or even relates.

There are not many songs that I truly can relate to.

But there is one artist that changes that.

You know....the one with the red hair and a guitar.

Yeah.

He's the one.

That one that plucks his guitar stings with pure perfection, yelling out to his salvation to "give me love".

Beautiful.

Those words of his have saved me from death on several occasions.

Maybe I'm afraid of dying....or maybe I'm afraid I'd never hear his voice again....or maybe it's someone else's voice I'm afraid of loosing.

The cute one.

The hazel eyes.

The one who laughs a lot.

Yeah that one...I'm sure I'll cry in death because I could never give myself to him in life.

Never explaining myself correctly.

Never able to make him understand this sickness, this mental cancer that rots in my soul.

I have tried over and over to get my thoughts across but even talking seems to be something which requires much energy, which is something I don't have.

I woke up not caring what I looked like.

I'm not even wearing a bra.

I'll walk into school and I'll fake smiles and I'll wave 'hello'.

No one would ever suspect the cute, little, bouncy, happy girl has considered death.

Not the quiet, sweet one that always has something nice to say.

Couldn't possibly be her.

Looks can be deceiving....and it seems I've got you all fooled.

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Sorry....it had to be said.

Love you my darlings xoxo

-M