Tales of a Neverland Lost Girl

Smoke

One

Two

Three

Four cigarettes in a row. I suppose I'm pretty desperate.

Click. Light. Inhale. Exhale.

Seems I'm determined to blacken my lungs so I don't have to breathe anymore.

Inhale.

Pathetic...I know. Someone once said that to me and I suppose they were right. Sorry for being so sensitive about it.

Exhale.

I understand it was my fault. I'm not so arrogant to the point where I won't take ownership for my mistakes.

Inhale.

And that's what it was; a mistake.

Exhale. Flick.

I reckon you don't forgive me. You say you have, but I know you too well.

Inhale.

I know the thought of our knees accidentally brushing against each other under the table repulses you.

Exhale. Flick.

I know it's hard for you to keep eye contact with me. I understand. Why would you want to look at the person who betrayed you.

Inhale.

I'm not going to pretend that my actions have been justified by my apology because they aren't.

Exhale.

I've noticed how she doesn't say 'hi' to me in the halls anymore. I've seen the way she looks at me.

Inhale.

I see her in class, starring at me. I don't know why but she does it.

Exhale. Flick.

Perhaps she feels ill-will toward me? I'm not sure but either way she knows, and I know, she doesn't say 'hello' to me anymore.

Inhale.

I hope she writes about you. That's her specialty isn't it? I hope you're her muse.

Exhale. Flick.

I hope to god that she writes and writes and writes about you, until all hours of the night. I hope she looses sleep over how to make you happy. I hope she creates love ballets about you. I hope she can't eat because of how you make her stomach flutter when you look at her. I hope she doesn't think of anything but you. I hope she gets jealous when you talk to other girls. I hope she knows what it is to always have someone to call when she's crying because her father is drunk, her mother verbally abuses her and she's slicing her wrists open because she doesn't know how to coop.

Inhale.

I hope she knows what it is to want closeness and can't have it because you're so far away. I hope she craves it and would do anything for it. I hope she cuts school to take you to her house so you two can read her old diary and sleep in her bed. I hope she takes you to her local diner and buys you a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day and loves you even after you two part ways. I hope she changes the password in her phone to the last time you ever kissed her.

Exhale.

I hope she's tries her hardest everyday to please you even though she can't.

Toss. Open. Light. Inhale. Exhale.