Tales of a Neverland Lost Girl

Past Shy

Why is it that I can't go out anywhere without feeling like I'm being looked at? I don't like the feeling of people starring and thinking things about me. I hate when they stare for too long and make assumptions about who I am and what I'm like because of my outer appearance. I hate feeling their eyes on my back as I walk by.

I know I have a nice body. I know I'm fairly pretty. I understand that I'm not ugly or fat. But there is no need to stare or make cat calls. Some women like it when they get whistled at in the grocery store. I can't stand it. Not only is it disrespectful but I feel like I dressed too fresh. Maybe I should have put on longer shorts or maybe this shirt shows too much cleavage. I was walking to K-Mart and I got honked at, someone whistled from their car and a boy on their bike preceded to shout "Daaaammmmnnn" as he rode past on his bike. News flash! It doesn't make me feel confident! It makes me feel uncomfortable and that I shouldn't have walked outside.

I hate when I have to order something at the counter. I hate having to talk to strangers. I hate having the waiter become impatience with me because I haven't decided what I wanted yet. I hate when I'm on the train and I hear people laughing behind me. I know it's sounds silly and maybe even a little conceded to assume they are laughing at me but that's what I feel like.

Boys say it's cute when girls are "shy". Oh yeah? It's not too cute when you are so overwhelmed by all the commotion and alien people that you run to the bathroom and cry because you can't handle the stares of complete strangers. It's not "adorable" when I hyperventilate on the bathroom floor because I know that I said something stupid. I know I made someone out there think I was silly or foolish because I panicked in the moment. It's not "sexy" to be the shy librarian with glasses who just wants to read in peace. It's quite distracting to have someone's wondering eyes mentally undress you. It's awful to know that you make someone sexually aroused when all you did when try to be polite.

I went bowling this afternoon. I didn't realize how much I hate bowling until today. I'm not good at bowling as it is. I wasn't at a party. I was with my brother and mother. I was surrounded by people I didn't know. People who were good at bowling. I hate it when I throw the ball and have to wait...and wait...and wait for the ball to roll down the lane. It's like sitting in front of your cake on your birthday and not knowing what to do with yourself while everyone sings to you. It's fucking horrible and agonizing. I hate having to walk back to my seat after I know I threw a gutter ball. I hate having to feel all eyes on me because we are half way through the game and I only have a score of 12.

I hate weddings. In fact, I hate any type of party that has a dance floor. At weddings, my family always tries to get me to dance and pull me onto the floor but I could never handle dancing in front of so many people. I hate having to dance. Dancing is probably what I'm worst at. I have a strong mind, not a strong body. I flail around awkwardly and don't know what to do with my arms and I'm always slightly out of time. I had to dance for my cousin's quinceanera and I fucking hated every second of it. And on top of that, weddings get me very depressed. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I've seen so many fail that I just expect doom as the outcome of any nuptial.

I hate having to socialize with people I just met. I hate having the meaningless small talk that never goes anywhere. I hate sitting by myself when my friends haven't arrived at the lunch table yet. I hate when I feel the warm of someone's hands on the plastic bag handles when I grab it from the cashier. I hate when children look at me in the store. I tried to smile at them but they always turn away and I assume they hate my face. I hate when I have to tell the waiter that my order is wrong because I don't like telling people there is something wrong. I don't like letting people know I'm trouble. I hate it when I can't stay in one conversation without becoming distracted by something shiny.

I hate when I'm so socially awkward that I can't handle myself in a public situation. Sometimes I wish I would be able to live inside my room.

I'm a writer. I write about the lively people of the world, not socialize with them.

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All of this is true.
I did go bowling today.
It was fucking torture.

Bye darlings

-m