Next-Door Neighbour

Chapter 29: I am a Coward.

Valentina.

I duck down when I see him standing in the backyard. He saw me duck and he probably knows I was still there hiding from him. My eyes are still hurting from all the crying last night. It broke my heart to agree to stay away from him. To know what my life would be without him in it, without Alice and Jacob.

I peek to take a look at him, he is still standing there, waiting to get a glimpse at me. I don't move, I stay hidden. He is crying, but he doesn't realize it, he just stares. I tear up looking at him standing like that, defeated.

We were brave, we fought and we lost. We had done our part. Some things just don't work out the way we want them to. I have been living like this forever, It was time my bubble burst and I went back to my reality.

He stays there for a little bit more before he decides to go back inside. I see him walk back to his house with his head hung low. It was funny how everyone around me knew I loved Caleb, yet somehow, I hadn't gotten a chance to tell him yet. I guess, he would never know, now. My love story ended before it even began.

                                                                                             ***

I walk down the flight of stairs hoping Father would be gone by now. The house is empty, he's off to work. I put down the papers on the dining table and stick a sticky note on the refrigerator. The sticky notes were back. I haven't spoken to him face to face since that night. He didn't touch me, hurt or throw insulting words at me that night. But what happened that night changed everything. If anything, I was more scared of his presence than before.

'Please, sign the papers. They are for college.' I write on the note. I hadn't told him about my plans for Harvard yet, I was only hoping he would let me go. That was the only thing I wanted in my life right now. The ticket out of this hell hole.

I put my bag on my shoulders and open the door only to close it back. Caleb is out playing with Charlie. I peep through the window to look at him. He seems... happy. But why am I sad about it? Isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't I be happy for him? I am going to be late for class if I continue to stand here and stare at him, but my legs are rooted to the spot and my eyes are on him.

It's been twenty-seven days since I've talked to him or Alice or Jacob. They continue to hang out together like before, they seem happy too. What did I expect anyway? Sulk in a corner like me? It's not like they had given up on me or forgotten about me.

For the first few days every morning, Alice and Jacob stood by my locker to try and talk to me. I skipped going to my locker to avoid them. They approached me in the cafeteria, but I pretended to read with my earphones plugged in, whereas I couldn't concentrate on a single word that I was reading and there wasn't any music bursting through the headphones. I kept ignoring their every effort until they eventually gave up. They had to!

Caleb bids bye to Charlie and takes off for school, I unlock the door and step outside only to find him standing in front of the door, waiting for me. My eyes grow wide seeing him there. He caught me off, guard.

"I knew you were looking at me," he says smiling.

I shake my head and get off the porch, "I don't know what you are saying," I walk fast to get away from him, but he keeps up.

"It's been twenty-six days, Tina. Stop with the act."

"Twenty-seven," I correct him.

He smiles, "So, you do keep a count. This shows how much you care, stop pretending like you don't."

I've missed him. I've missed his talks, his hugs, his kisses. "Will you leave me alone?"

"Uh ah, That I can't," He catches up with me. "Listen to me, Val."

"Stop following me," I come to a halt and shut my eyes, "It's over, Caleb." Unlike Alice and Jacob, Caleb hadn't given up on me. He sat for minutes long in his window looking into mine, waiting to catch a glimpse of me. He approached me numerous times in the cafeteria, sometimes Alice had to drag him away so he didn't create a scene. He waited for me after school so he could talk. I hated it when I had to pretend, I didn't care. He had to understand it was over between us, it was better this way.

"I don't think so," he shakes his head taking a step ahead. I take a step back.

I look sideways, "What are you doing, we can't be seen together," My breath seems to have stuck in my throat. 

"Don't you see what he is doing?" He asks. I was going to be late for my class. "That's what he wanted all along. To tear us apart. You can't be weak, you can't let him win,"

A tear rolls down and falls on my cheek, "He already did," I whisper, crying. "We can't be seen together, Caleb," I say and turn on my heels.

"You are better than this, Tina." He keeps talking, "The Valentina I met was brave, she wasn't a coward. She wouldn't let someone else take control of her life. She had dreams, and hope... she wasn't the person you could scare with petty threats. She was strong!"

"Stop. Caleb! Please stop!" I yell.

"If you can't help yourself, nobody can. If you don't stand up for yourself, nobody will. I know you are scared of him, even more after that incident, I don't know what he told you, hell... he was even successful in scaring the shit out of Jacob, but we are still trying, aren't we? We are ready to take the risks."

"Yeah, you guys are fighting my battles, you got dragged into this."

"Then fight your own battles, Val. We are always there with you. If we are going to these lengths for you, why can't you do this for yourself? Don't let him crush you, Tina." He starts backing off. He is pulling back. He is leaving me alone just like I told him to!

Don't go, please. I want to scream at him. I am not ready to do this alone! My insides scream. If I have to be brave and take a stand for myself, I want you standing by my side. But I don't tell him all those things.

A person can only try to break the wall that you built around yourself, and a person can only try to bring you out of the darkness, but actually, it's you who needs to take the first step. It's you who need to guide the person inside your darkness to let him bring you out of it, it's you who should allow the person to cross the wall so he can break it and set you free.

I stood there alone, on the street, tears streaming down my face, watching him walk away from me. I am a coward because I didn't have the courage in me to take that first step.