Shades of Kagan

Chapter 48

Chapter 48

Avian Burn's Point of View

I couldn't contain myself and tell Klaude about everything. But I made him swear that he will not blame himself for what happened to his twin brother. Nakikinig lang ito sa akin nang mataimtaim at kahit siya ay mukhang hindi makapaniwala sa kanyang naririnig.

Isang linggo na ang nakalipas simula noong pumunta kami sa lugar kung saan ako lumaki. We even spent the night there since everyone was exhausted from all the traveling. My mom must still be wondering about the story of Kagan Grimaldi. We didn't even talk when we left. But Kristoff gave me a thumbs up as if he was saying that he would take care of Mom.

And now, we're back to doing what we normally do. Nadia faked a cry since all of us went to my hometown. Siya lang ang hindi nakapunta. Pru spent most of her time staying with us at the school dormitory. On the other hand, Kagan stayed at his studio and visited the hospital from time to time for his psychoanalysis treatment. Pumupunta naman ako doon sa tuwing wala akong pasok sa aking klase. Everything is back to its normal place, but still, the difference now is that I have feelings for Kagan.

Klaude looked up, brushing the tears that almost fell from his eyes.

"This is awful." Klaude finally said timidly. We're in the coffee shop at the university, sitting in the back corner.

"Kagan should be living the same way how I was raised. But he lived a life that wasn't his in the first place. This is fucked up." Klaude pinches his lips together without having an idea what to do. Kahit kinwekwento ko kay Klaude ang mga alam ko kay Kagan ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasan malungkot. Kagan's life was a real tragedy. Pinagmasdan ko si Klaude kung paano ito tumayo.

"I have to go, Avi. I... I need time to think." His throat sounded strained. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, then nodded my head. It's understandable that Klaude might feel that he's lost right now. After all, I still clenched my teeth whenever I was reminded of what happened to Kagan. This is where Halmeoni's words about detachment will take place. Kagan should learn how to detach from his past and those things that hurt him. I, on the other, am gradually trying to get better and better. This time, I now have a reason to continue.

Akala ko ay aalis na si Kagan pero nanatili lang itong nakatayo.

"Avian, will you tell him about your feelings?" I was taken aback by his sudden question, resisting the urge to tell him that confessing my feelings for Kagan wasn't on my list for the time being. Biglang bumaba ang tingin ko sa aking kamay.

"I don't know, Klaude. I don't know how to tell him. That I have this huge crush on Kagan. That I've been liking him for a little while now. Hindi ko pa rin nakikita ang sarili ko na umaamin sa kanya." I look away from Klaude. I couldn't bring myself up telling these words to his twin brother. Dahil sa tuwing nakikita ko si Kagan ay parang mauubusan ako ng salita. It's like any moment, I'm going to collapse, leaving me voiceless.

"I see. I'll go ahead, Avian." Klaude waved his hands at me, spinning around so he could go straight to the exit. Habang ako naman ay naiwan sa coffee shop habang pinagmasdan na matunaw ang yelo sa inorder ko. I waited for more minutes before leaving the coffee shop too.

Three days later, I saw myself walking my way to Kagan's studio. My heart couldn't keep still since I'll be seeing Kagan again. Siguro ay hindi na ako makapaghintay na makita si Kagan. Sometimes, I'll just find myself staring at him when he's painting. Sobrang focus kasi ito sa kanyang ginagawa na parang hindi na niya nakikita ang mga tao sa paligid niya. I like the idea that Kagan find peace to what he's doing. I felt rather proud about him when he do things that he enjoys. My heart won't slow down thinking about him.