Shades of Kagan

Epilogue

Epilogue

Six months later

Nagising ako mula sa tunog ng alarm na nangagaling sa aking phone. I don't have to look to check what time it is since I set my alarm yesterday at eight in the morning. Babangon na sana ako para makapag simula ng aking umaga nang may matitipunong braso ang pumigil sa akin at hinila ako pabalik sa kama para ako'y yakapin.

"Kagan!" I yelped when I can feel his warm breath on my nape. Hindi ko maiwasang makiliti. Pero imbis na pakawalan niya ako ay mas lalo niya lang siniksik ang sarili niya sa akin.

"Five more minutes, please. This is comfortable." He mumbled, while his eyes are still closed. Dahil doon ay may pagkakataon akong pagmasdan ang nakapikit niyang mukha. What did I do in my life to deserve such a pure soul like Kagan Grimaldi? May munting ngiti ang sumilay sa aking labi habang inaalala ang mga nangyari sa nagdaang buwan.

Klaude, that scheming lord, just lied to me that they were going to another country for Kagan's treatment. It turns out that he was just getting all his things to Dr. Reus Grimaldi's house since they'll be back living with his parents. That was the reason why he had luggage on him at that time. It's not like I hate Klaude for what he did. I guess I was thankful since I finally had the courage to tell Kagan my feelings.

"What are you thinking?" Kagan softly asked. He moved his body from lying beside me to positioning himself on top of me.

"Tell me," he insisted. He leaned towards me when I didn't speak, giving me a long lingering kiss. It seemed like Kagan's lips were the softest part of his body. He liked to prove it to me every day.

"No, get off me, big guy. We need to start the day. You'll parents must be looking for you. Hindi ka na naman umuwi ngayon gabi." Napailing na sabi ko sa kanya. Kagan mouth twitch.

"It's okay. I texted Mom that I'll spend the night here with you." I can feel my cheeks flushing with his bluntness. Since Kagan's on top of me, I got the chance to study his face. I couldn't believe that he's mine now and I'm his. We belong to each other.

"We still need to work, Kagan. Kailangan ko ng matapos ang ginagawa ko." He gave me a long amused look.

"Fine. I'll take a shower first." Giving me a final kiss on my lips, he stood up. Pinagmasdan ko lang ang likuran niya hanggang mawala na siya sa aking paningin. We're actually at his studio. We both spend the night here. Today is the weekend, so I don't have a corporate job. Tuwing weekends ay dito ako madalas magstay sa studio niya. Kagan is teaching me how to paint.

The moment I told him my undying love for him, he smiled at me. It was the most sincere smile that he could manage. At first, he was hesitant. There's worry in him. Because of his dual personality, he told me he couldn't pursue me. I told him we will figure it out. Hanggang ngayon ay tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang pagpunta niya sa hospital. His condition is a continuous treatment, after all. But this time, it was easier. There are times that he'll feel confused since he still doesn't have conscious control of himself. The doctor said that this was the response to an intolerable environment that he lived in. The doctor helped Kagan to get to know Kalix and make Kalix part of him. Kagan is in the process of accepting Kalix in his life. This will be a long journey, but I don't mind. As long I'm with Kagan.

When Kagan was taking a shower, I decided to order our breakfast. So far, everything felt surreal. I couldn't believe that I was capable of feeling ultimate bliss. I owe this a lot to Kagan. After thirty minutes, dumating na ang inorder ko para sa aming breakfast. I arranged it on the table. Sakto naman na kakalabas lang niya mula sa bathroom. Looking fresh as usual.

This is how we usually spend our weekends together. Staying at his studio, him doing what his best at and I'm learning how to paint. I am actually excited to finish the first ever painting that I started. Kaya binilisan ko nang kumain para matapos ko na ito agad. Napapailing na lang si Kagan sa akin nang maramdaman niya na gusto ko na talagang matapos ang natigil kong gawa kagabi.

After I ate, I hurriedly went to the area where I left the unfinished painting. Putting the apron on, I walked towards it. Naupo ako sa bangko katapat ng painting na ginawa ko. It was a landscape—a landscape of the cliff with seawater on the bottom part. On the right side, there were intertwisted trees. Pinagmasdan ko itong mabuti. This painting was actually for Emma. This cliff landscape was where Emma lost her life. Everyone has to be somewhere, and maybe, just maybe, Emma might be here in this painting.

Too focused on the cliff landscape, I didn't notice Kagan already walked inside. May hawak itong glass picture frame na nakatalikod.

"I want to give you something." I raised my eyebrow at his eyes.

"What is it?"

"Here." Bigla niyang binigay ang hawak niyang glass picture frame. Umawang ang labi ko nang makita ko ang binigay sa akin.

"Kagan..." I mumbled his name right from the heart. Bigla na lang niya akong niyakap mula sa aking likuran habang parehas kaming nakatingin sa nakalagay sa picture frame. It was a drawing of us. Me, Kagan, and halmeoni. The three of us are smiling in the drawing. Halmeoni was lying on the bed while Kagan and I were standing on each side of the bed. It looked like this was photographed. Kagan remembered that I regretted not taking a picture with halmeoni because back then, I was so drawn with my self-pity I couldn't live in the present.

"You drew without references?" Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa gawa niya. Kuhang-kuha niya ang mukha ni halmeoni kahit ang ngiti nito.

"What do you mean without reference? It's in my head." Kagan said whispering on my ears. Kagan touched my heart again. Nailagay ko ang frame sa aking dibdib at niyakap iyon.

"Thank you, Kagan. This is beautiful."

"Halmeoni was a great help for me, too." He said. Tinanggal niya ang pagkayakap niya sa likuran ko at pumwesto sa aking harapan.

"Oh right, I was curious about the letter halmeoni gave you. Nabasa mo na ang letter na binigay sakin ni halmeoni, samantalang sa'yo hindi ko pa rin nababasa." I snorted. But Kagan just grinned at me. Suddenly, he cupped both of my cheeks, narrowing his eyes on me. Then, he stroked my cheeks down to my neck using his left thumb.

"Avian, thank you for coming into my life. For making things easier for me to live." I gulped when Kagan leaned forward. Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang frame sa aking dibdib. Kagan still has a strong impact on me—even his words.

"My love for you is so deep that I can't live without you, Avi. You're my past, present, and future." He pulled me closer to him, pressing his lips on my forehead.

"I'm glad that I fall in love with you."

"Likewise, Kagan. I love you, too. At dahil dyan, tutulungan mo na ba akong tapusin itong cliff landscape na ginagawa ko?" Narinig ko ang mahinang pagtawa niya. Shaking his head, he sat down in front of the rack where the cliff landscape is placed. Samantalang ako naman ay inilagay sa aking bag ang picture frame na drinawing ni Kagan. I'll probably hang this on my apartment's wall.

When I still didn't meet Kagan, I looked upon the time about how I handled my life. The life I'm taking is like walking towards the darkness with no direction. It struck me that I am missing a lot of things. Kagan didn't change not just my point of view but my feelings as well. Even my own beliefs wavered. I started to view my life differently because of him. In my difficult times, he was there. Now, I'll make sure that I'll be here for him. Besides, there's still uncertainty about his dual personality, named Kalix. Either way, I won't let go of Kagan. I will always be here for him.

Because of Kagan, I started appreciating things that made me feel alive. No hesitation. No what-ifs. I love Kagan with all my heart. I will protect him in any way possible.

After all, Kagan Grimaldi is my conclusion.

-FIN-

***

Thank you for reading.
Love,
L