Shades of Kagan

Prologue

Prologue

Pound.

Walk straight, Avian. You've done nothing wrong.

Pound.

You can do this.

Pound.

You can't collapse in a public place, you idiot.

I was back in the reality when my phone started vibrating in my hand. Mas lalo lang akong pinanghina nang makita ko kung sino ang tumatawag sa akin sa mga oras na ito. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata bago napagdesisyunan na sagutin ang tawag.

"Where are you, Avian?!" I clenched my hand into a fist when I heard my mother's shouting voice from the other line.

"Your friends are looking for you. Lalo na ang Tita Olive mo. I know how devastated you are right now. Your bestfriend just died and you're silently weeping. Pero Avian naman, huwag mo na pagalalahanin ang mga taong nasa paligid mo." My head started to pound like crazy. Not now, Mom. I could no longer stand her nagging. Tita Olive is Emma's mother. We practically grew up together. Lalo na at ang mga magulang namin ay magkakaibigan.

"Emma wasn't my bestfriend. Please Mom, stop torturing me." Walang buhay kong sinabi sa kabilang linya at pinatay ang tawag. Mula sa malayo ay pinagmasdan ko ang mga taong humahagulgol sa pagiyak.

This day is Emma Brooke's funeral. And I have to do is attend despite my refusal. My mother pushed me to attend her funeral since they kept telling me that Emma was my best friend. Attending her funeral only shows how thick-faced I am.

Everything is so suffocating, and I need a break from something heavy. I was about to leave the place when someone shouted my name. Shit.

"Avi! Kanina ka pa namin hinahanap, nandito ka lang pala." Hinawakan ni Summer ang magkabilang kamay ko at tumingin ng malungkot sa akin.

"You must be unfortunate right now, Avian. You and Emma were always inseparable. You two were very close, and now she's gone." Biglang nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko dahil sa kanyang sinabi. They don't have any idea, do they?

"Come on, Avian. Let's see Emma for the last time." Nanlamig ang buong pagkatao ko sa sinabi ni Samantha. See Emma for the last time? I can't even look at her smiling face on the tarp.

Samantha, Summer, Emma, and I have been friends since middle school. Hindi ko naman itatanggi iyon. We're friends, alright. But they thought Emma and I were much closer. Well, we were close once upon a time. But everything changes in just a blink of an eye.

I can't imagine Emma Brooke's body is now inside that casket, ready to be buried underground. I didn't have any idea that you could end a person's life within a matter of seconds.

Itinago ko sa loob ng aking bulsa ang nanginginig kong mga kamay. I'm really trying my best to put a straight face and not to puke.

"You looked like you've seen a ghost," Rinig kong sambit ni Sam sa aking likuran. Mula sa aming pwesto ay rinig na rinig namin ang iyak na ginagawa ni Tita Olive. Summer, on the other hand, cried with the crowd when four people started to bury Emma's casket. What do I expect from a soft person like Summer?

Hindi na ako makapaghintay na makaalis sa lugar na ito.

"You're spacing out again, Avian." Natauhan lang ako nang marinig ko na naman ang boses ni Sam.

"Sorry, wala lang talaga akong ganang kumain." Inusog ko ang plato paharap at uminom ng tubig. Nandito kami ngayon sa madalas naming pagkainan na apat. I ordered a clubhouse sandwich and a red tea but I don't have any appetite right now. For sure, isusuka ko lang ito mamaya.

"Hindi ko akalain na wala na si Emma. I mean, parang kahapon lang kasama natin siya." Napatahimik ako sa sinabi ni Summer na ngayon ay malungkot na kumakain ng kanyang inorder. I don't want to speak right since I no longer trust myself.

"Avian!"

"Huh?" Nagulat ako sa biglang pagsigaw ni Sam sa pangalan ko. Hinawakan niya ang dalawang kamay ko at tumingin sa akin.

"Wala bang naikwekwento sa'yo si Emma? Sa pagkakaalala ko ikaw ang go-to person niya." Tinanggal ko ang pagkahawak niya sa aking kamay at inilagay ito sa lap ko.

"Am I really her go-to person?" Pilit kong pinasigla ang boses ko upang hindi niya mahata ang pagnginig ng aking boses.

"Yep. Naalala kong nakita ko ang essay niya. Your name is indicated there." Umiling naman ako sa kanyang sinabi.

"I don't know. Wala naman siyang naikwento sa akin." Sabi ko sa kanila.

"Hindi ko lang inaasahan ang mga nangyari. She was really excited to graduate this year. And then suddenly, she committed suicide, the same day our graduation party happened. Kung alam lang sana natin, edi sana natulungan natin siya." Napahawak si Sam sa kanyang ulo at ipinatong ang kanyang ulo sa lamesa. I tried to suppress my tears that are about to fall.

"I mean, I can't connect the dots. Why would Emma kill herself after the graduation party?" Sam frustratedly said.

"Is this really a suicide?" Tumingin si Summer sa akin. I diverted my gaze to my red tea.

"Avian, what do you think?"

"I-I don't know, Summer. Guess we didn't know Emma that much." Sabi ko sa kanila at kahit walang ganang ay pilit kong kinain ang sandwich na order ko.

"Depression is terrifying. Even the happiest person alive could die from it." Nagtaasan ang balahibo ko dahil sa kinomento ni Summer. I want to go home. The place is suffocating me to death.

"Gosh! I feel so horrible right now. I didn't even see the signs." Sam said, and now she's crying like a baby.

"Anyway, we need to move forward with our life. College life will be tough." Good thing Summer changed the topic. Kahit papaano ay nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil nawala ang atensiyon namin kay Emma. Besides, I don't want to talk about a dead person.

"See you in school. I'm going to miss you over the summer." I waved my hands at them. It's already evening, and we need to go home now. Lalo na at strict ang parents ni Sam na kanina pa siya tinatawagan at tinanong kung nasaan na siya.

"See you!" Sam waved back and turned her heels away. This place is where we part ways. They don't know that this will be the last time they'll see me. They thought I'd be enrolling with the same school they're attending, but unfortunately, they're wrong.

"Goodbye," I whispered to them. I'm sorry. Gusto ko itong sabihin sa kanila. Because of my stupid action, everyone got affected by it.

Ngayon ko lang hinayaang pumatak ang mga luha ko. I was distraught all day, and I'm glad they didn't notice. I must run away from this place. Running away may be the cowardly thing to do, but this is the only way out.

Because of my selfishness, I killed Emma.

***