Over and Over Again | ONC 2023

Chapter 5

Aurelia checked her phone again. Having all the time in the world made it difficult to remember how little time humans had sometimes, and she ended up arriving a few minutes late. Even so, Grace was even later, yet again.

It didn't phase her, Grace was notoriously late for most things. For some, this might have been a relationship ending peeve. For Aurelia, it was merely a mild annoyance. Her standards had fallen lower and lower over the years. Valuing the companionship more than anything else meant that she didn't have the luxury of being picky.

A server stopped by to refill her glass of water. "Still expecting someone?" he asked again.

Aurelia nodded, less patiently this time. "Yes, she's just running late."

She noticed his eyes lingering for just a bit too long on her forearms, poorly attempting to be subtle. Tugging at her sleeves, she quickly unrolled them to cover her arms and wrists. The faint marks served as reminders of times of desperation and, subsequently, failures.

She could still so clearly remember the feeling of the hot, viscous liquid dripping down her arms and into the sink. Feeling lightheaded and letting the dizziness overtake her, until she collapsed straight onto the cool, tiled floors. Praying that it would be the last time, begging for relief.

But she always awoke the next morning. 

Even as an immortal, there was only so much her body could do to properly heal itself when she purposely deprived it of respite. Being trapped in this human body left her susceptible to the same pain they were able to feel, just without any of the long term consequences.

"O-ok," the server quickly said as Aurelia glared, making direct eye contact with him. He scurried off to tend to another table.

"Happy one month anniversary!" Grace cheerfully exclaimed as she sat down at the table across from Aurelia.

Aurelia felt her cheeks go pink as everyone within a ten foot radius looked over at their table. As an elementary school teacher, Grace had the habit of projecting her voice – borderline shouting, while speaking, even while not trying to wrangle up rambunctious children. For someone on the smaller side, she could be surprisingly loud when she wanted to. It was definitely what attracted Aurelia's attention to her the first time they met.

Grace flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder and laughed. "Life is too short to worry about what others think, Aurelia."

Aurelia chuckled. She aspired to have the type of confidence Grace had. She couldn't recall ever seeing Grace embarrassed, she simply laughed most things off. "Happy anniversary to you too."

"Anyways," Grace said and rubbed her hands together, "shall we order?"

"I already ordered our appetizers," Aurelia said. "A garden salad for me and a caesar salad for you."

Grace looked at her dubiously. "You did? Did you ask for low f-" she began.

"Yes, low fat dressing," Aurelia quickly finished.

"What about no ch-" Grace tried again.

"Yup, no cheese," Aurelia finished again, chortling.

Grace gave her a warm smile. "Have I ever told you how thoughtful you are?"

Aurelia laughed, but guilt still tugged at her conscience. There was nothing thoughtful about her. A thoughtful person wouldn't willingly leave a trail of broken hearts behind them. She was a parasite, doing nothing but causing selfish destruction.

Swearing off dating entirely might have seemed like a better solution, but Aurelia knew herself better than that. After living through loss after loss and death after death, Aurelia couldn't ignore the painful truth; the idea of being completely alone terrified her.

The two ate in silence, surrounded by the peaceful ambience of the restaurant. It was a small, hole in the wall type of place; rustic brick walls, the occasional cracked tile, mismatched chairs and tables, and completely run by the original owner's great grandchildren.

Aurelia peered over the rim of her cup as she took a sip of water. She immediately recognized the look on Grace's face and already knew she wasn't going to like what she was about to say.

Grace placed her fork down and took a deep breath. "Hey um, I know this is early, so please don't freak out," she said slowly, "but have you ever thought about having kids?"

The salad Aurelia was eating suddenly felt like lead in her stomach. The muscles in her face tightened as she tried to keep her expression steady. "W-why?" she managed to choke out.

Grace absentmindedly twirled her hair as she stared into space. "Well, I'm turning thirty soon." She sighed, slightly melodramatically. "I'm not sure whether or not I want to have kids, but I'm not getting any younger here. I just want to have a plan in place."

Aurelia cleared her throat, dry and rough as sandpaper, and tried to speak, but nothing came out. It was as if she was paralyzed. Suddenly, all she could feel was the weight of Daisy wrapped up in a soft blanket in her arms.

Her gaze dropped down towards her bowl and she sniffled.

Grace's attention snapped back to Aurelia. "Oh no, Aurelia, please don't be upset." She reached across the table to hold her hand. "I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you, I know you're still young."

"No, um, it's not that," she began hesitantly, trying to ignore the sharp, stinging sensation in her heart, "I had a daughter, but she passed away. I don't want to have kids again."

Aurelia never intended to have children, proper birth control wasn't widely available at the time. Hell, support for women's reproductive health was basically nonexistent.

She had visited countless doctors, trying to get tubal ligation ever since it was invented in the thirties – a permanent method of sterilization and birth control, but every doctor had refused to perform the procedure on her. They claimed that she was too young, or that she would regret it when she was older. In the meantime, it was using two kinds of contraceptives simultaneously for her.

"Oh my God." Grace's bright blue eyes widened and she covered her mouth with both hands. "I'm so sorry, Aurelia. I had no idea."

Aurelia was wildly unprepared for how attached she would instantly become after meeting her daughter. Even after all these years, the memory of Daisy had never lost its vividness. Her light brown hair, hazel eyes she had just begun to open, olive skin, and the comforting warmth she spread throughout Aurelia's soul.

Daisy was only a week old when she passed away. Aurelia lost a part of herself that day, and the hole in her heart never healed. She learned the hard way that the amount of love you could feel for someone and their impact on you, was in no way relative to the amount of time they were a part of your life.

Even so, the pain of losing a child after a lifetime of memories seemed unimaginable. She swore to herself that she would never let that happen.

Aurelia sighed and looked back up at Grace. This one had been getting long anyways, she supposed. "Listen, Grace... I don't think this is going to work out."