Respite - HS

No rain, No flowers.

Harry Styles

Christmas is in two days.

"It's Christmas eve eve Dad."

I squint at Felix who's standing between my legs as we wait for Serena to grab our Hot chocolates.

Serena insisted on having some sanctioned time with just us. Her boys.

"You just called me dad." I state blankly. Felix looking up at me in confusion.

Serena walks over with three steaming cups of hot chocolate in her hands and I'm quick to grab one from her before she spills it.

"Mommy can we go outside?" Felix asks quietly.

Serena nods and zips his little puffer jacket back up. He looks like a little marshmallow. Serena eyes me up and down with a slanted look before she leads us outside.

"You know, I'll never get over how much he looks like you. It's like I'm walking around with a tiny version of you attached to me at all times." She says softly watching as our son runs in front of us.

Our son.

It's days like these that I still can't fully wrap my head around the fact that I'm a dad. He's my mini-me. He's my best bud. The best thing that's ever happened to me.

"He called me dad." I grumble out.

Serena looks at me like I've grown a second head.

"What are you talking about?"

"He called me dad  Seri." I practically cry. 

"You are his dad?"

"Mommy! Look at this bug!" We hear Felix call ahead of us and it's like a light bulb turned on in Serena's head.

"Ohhh."

"He's too old. I want him tiny again." I cross my arms over my chest as we walk up to the tree Felix is parked in front of. His tiny hand itching to poke the bug. I grab his arm and tug him up onto my hip before he's able to disturb the bug.

He moans and groans and practically throws himself out of my arms to look at the bug. "Daddy let go." He grumps.

"No you're my baby and I'm gonna hold onto you forever." I mumble into his cheek that is currently squished up against my own. He whines again and I reluctantly let him go.

Completely forgetting about the bug he runs up to the bench that resides just in front of the entryway to the park.

Serena's awfully quiet today. It's concerning. Christmas is Serena's thing, it always has been but this year something feels off.

"Do you want more kids?" Serena's far away voice pulls me from my worries.

We sit and watch Felix run around and play on the playground.

My face crumples up at the question. Where did that come from? I think Serena can tell what I'm thinking so she continues, "Well, you know. In college you always talked about having a huge family. You wanted to make the family you never had."

I try to let her words roll off my back, lately Serena's been bringing up things about my life I haven't thought about in years and it's starting to get harder to ignore.

I practically blocked out a lot of Serena and I's early days, yes she's my best friend, but I was in love with her at one point.

That's something I don't think she ever knew.

Or maybe she did. Because she knows everything.

I frown as her words settle on my shoulders. Do I want more kids?