sunflower

1.

I stuff my mouth with another bite of cheesecake and take a deep breath as I can feel my stomach beginning to ache again.

"Careful, Jisung. Take your time, we have the whole evening." Felix gives me a little smile before supporting his head with the back of his hand.

"It's cheesecake, it should be fine," I say and give him reassuring smile.

It should be fine. I hope my body can take it.

"Okay.." he leans back into his seat and I raise my eyebrow while still stuffing myself with the delicious cake.

"So, you and Doyun," he starts, making my heart drop into my stomach. We talked about this yesterday. He knows what happened, why still mention him? "Please don't say his name." My voice comes out weaker than I expected, but it's the last thing on my mind.

The mention of my ex always strikes me like a lighting and my mind takes me back two months ago, when we were still together. Memories I'd rather not have.

"You don't love him anymore, right?"

I shake my head 'no' and look back at the cheesecake. I've eaten too much, but it's too late to stop. I'm craving more and eating too fast. I know what's going to happen after I'm done eating, but I don't know what to do to stop it.

"I don't know if I ever had. I think I just manipulated myself into thinking the thing we had was love."

He was so gentle at first, of course I got attached, but somehow nothing with him ever felt right.

Felix nods and leans closer to me again.

"I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and dumping him. He didn't deserve you and you deserve so much better." His right hand softly takes my left one into his and I can feel myself tearing up. He knows I don't believe those things why is he feeding me those poor lies? I did deserve him, it was all my fault.

"He was an asshole and you have no idea how much I regret not pulling you out of that toxic relationship as soon as I felt something was off.

You went through hell and I take full responsibility for everything that happened. I should've been there for you."

I watch him with wide eyes and can't believe any of the things he's saying. Is this really what he thinks? That it's all his fault?

It's not. None of this is his fault.

"Lix, don't say those things. None of it was your fault." I take another bite of the cheesecake and look down, guilt consuming me. He shouldn't think of himself in such a way. Everything was my fault, I am the only one to blame.

"I don't want to think about him anymore. Let's change the subject."

Felix nods and his sad smile turns into smirk.

I immediately know that the subject is going to be something completely different and it makes me feel a bit better.

I love Felix's random stories.

"Okay, so, yesterday Changbin came home totally wasted. He was out with Chan and Minho, celebrating something.. like a new work thing..? I don't even know, but that's not the point," he takes a deep breath and leans even closer to me. I smile at the excitement dripping from his words and immediately feel more at ease.

His happiness brings me happiness.

"And oh how much I love drunk Changbin. He's either cute and all lovey-dovey or flirty and very needy." I silently watch his face full of adoration while he continues on rambling about how perfect his boyfriend is.