sunflower

33.

enjoy the chapter!
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Minho's pov

"Hope you'll like it." I say with a smile, sitting across from him. I won't lie, his apartment is very comfortable and aesthetic, I like being in here.

But I can't even imagine the trauma that the room behind us holds. Many horrible things happened to him in there and I don't blame him for not wanting to sleep in that bed. Even I felt the bad energy sleeping in there, only thing that held me from running away was sleeping Jisung in my arms.

"Are you not hungry?" I ask when he just sits in his seat, looking rather troubled while staring down at the tteabokki I made.

"Is something wrong with it..?" My nervousness rises up with his silence. I tried my best to make it as good as possible. Why isn't he eating? Is something wrong..?

"No.. it looks delicious, I just.." his eyes capture mine and I patiently wait for him to continue. "He's told me many bad things yesterday.. pointed out my fat and scars and told me something bad about every little thing on me.. he basically told me that I'm unlovable." He takes a shaky breath and I stretch my arm for him to hold my hand. I can see him starting to tremble again.

"And I know that. I know I'm unlovable, and I'll probably die alone, preferably soon, but that's not the point."

Maybe it's not the main point but it means a lot to me. He told him he's unlovable. And what's even worse, Jisung believes it. I hate his ex even more for making him believe such things.

This boy. The man that made me fight against my fears and let myself be comfortable enough around him to tell him about my deepest secrets. The man that made me feel the things I was learned were the worst sins, things I was taught I shouldn't ever feel.

I've been in some relationships, they never ended up good, because neither side was particularly interested in something more than the body of each other. I've never felt the way I feel with him with anyone else. He made me let my walls down for him. That haven't happened in such a long time.

He is lovable. There is so much I like about him already and we've known each other for something over a month. I don't know how to make him believe it.

"There's a voice in my head that's telling me not to eat, because I'm fat and I have to lose weight. And another voice that's almost forcing me to eat. Neither of them are good voices though. I know that the second voice will make me reject the food again..

I don't know what to do." He looks at me with desperate look in his eyes and I reassuringly squeeze his hand in mine. I don't know how to help him. I haven't been in this situation myself and neither has anyone I know, until now.

"Do you want to eat?" I ask unsurely and his lips form into a small pout.

"Of course I do, but it's not as easy... I got better, after I met Felix you know? I was okay for quite some time before I got into a relationship with Doyun. I'm fucked up again and it's horrible."

"No, don't say that, you're not fucked up. You're just going through a lot and your body's reaction isn't the healthiest. But you're going to be okay again." His eyes fill up with tears, but he doesn't say anything so I chose to continue.

"What helped you before?" I ask softly.

He looks down at our hands and I watch with strangely warm feeling building up in my chest how his small fingers play with mine out of nervousness.

"Mostly Felix. We have dated for a few months. I was happy with him and since we've had similar issues we've kinda got through them together." His voice is quiet, but the silent room echoes it loud enough for me to hear.

He has dated Felix?

"Should I call Felix?" Maybe he can help him better than I do. Maybe it would be for the best if I went back home and left him with his best friend that at least knows what he's doing. I have no idea what to do, Felix would be for sure better help.

"No. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but I don't want Felix here right now, I want to spend time with you Minho." My heart skips a beat and something weird in my stomach explodes. I'm not used to this feeling, yet alone when my body reacts this way towards a man.

My younger self would shut him off. Ignore him and cut him out of my life. But I've changed. I'm not as scared of my sexuality anymore and it's honestly freeing. He's a big part of that change.

"Plus, he's going through a lot lately, I don't want to bother him." Bother him?

"Okay.. Is there any way I can help you?" His cheeks catch slight shade of pink. "I don't know." He must know, judging by how red his cheeks and ears are.

"I want to help you Hannie, but I can't do that if you won't tell me how."

"I don't think there's a way you can help me. Even I can't controle the things that are happening to me.. like the anxiety and attacks and the thoughts.." I nod in understanding and patiently wait for him to continue.

"Remember the day at the bridge..? Where I was ready to jump?" His eyes look into mine. A lump forms in my throat, my chest clenching at that memory.

I do remember. I'd rather not.

"Yeah..?"

"That never happened before. Not in that way at least. I mean, I've attempted suicide many times, but never it felt so.. weird. It was like it wasn't even me, I was just watching my body think and do for itself and I wasn't able to do anything. Not that I would complain about death. I just.. I don't know. It just keeps repeating in my head and I seriously barely remember I even told you something before almost throwing myself down."

"Isn't that like a depersonalization..?" I am no specialist, but those things I remember. It used to happen to me too. It was horrible.

He nods and shrugs at the same time. "I've had those conditions before, it just.. it felt a lot worse that time on the bridge."

"I don't know why I brought that up. I'm sorry." He sighs and I shake my head. "Don't apologize. You can talk to me about whatever you feel like talking about. I'm here to listen," I lean closer to him and smile at the adorably shy look on his face.

"I like listening to you Hannie," I say, my smile growing into a light laughter when he gently slaps my arm and covers his face with his hands.

"Stop, I don't know how to react to these things.." he whines, curling up to a little ball on his chair. He's so adorable like this. I just want to put him in my pocket and keep him forever.

"Cute." I coo at the redness of his face that's clearly visible even through his hands. It's moments like these I wish I could make last forever. I don't know how I started liking him so much. I don't know when the little part of me broke and let my guard down enough for him to find his way to my heart.

I don't know what's happening with me, I just know he's making me happy and that the 'thing' I feel towards him is way more than a friendship.

It's terrifying.

~
A/N

This was kinda just a filler, but hope you liked it <3

I honestly hate like a half of this book, I feel like it's so boring and stupid and my writing is just not it- jsjekdj I'm sorry, I know I'm getting annoying with my comments- I just have to vent, but I appreciate you all so much! Thank you for reading <33