sunflower

24.

Felix's pov

Changbin parks the car and turns off the engine. "Felix," my heart stops just from the seriousness of his voice. I'm not ready to do this. I don't want him to break up with me. Not like this.

"I have to use the bathroom," I panic and say the first thing that comes to my mind. I quickly get out of the car and almost run into our bathroom where I lock myself and sit on the floor.

He's going to break up with me.

I'm going to lose him.

What have I done? What have I done?

"Felix you okay?" He knocks on the door and I flinch at the sudden loud noise. "Yeah," I wipe away my tears and suck in a deep breath.

I'm the one who fell for another guy, this is my fault. I deserve the break up. I don't even deserve Changbin. Maybe he'd be better of without me.

I walk out of the bathroom only to meet him sitting in the living room, looking hella anxious. My anxiety level raises as well.

"Yongbok we need to talk." He stands up and I can feel chills run down my spine at the name he used. He hardly ever calls me by my Korean name.

"If you want to break up with me just say the word and I'm gone in two hours. It's okay, I'd understand." I hurry to say and almost break down at my own words. I don't want to lose him.

"You want to break up with me?" He breathes out in a small voice and stands up from the couch. "It's Hyunjin, isn't it? You don't love me anymore, you love him."

"I- I don't want to break up with you." I don't dare to answer his other question.

"Then why would you say that?"

"I thought you wanted to break up with me," I say and he shakes his head. "I never want to lose you Felix, but we have to talk about what's been going on lately."

I swallow hard and nod. "Okay..?"

"You really need to stop kissing people Lix. I mean, I'm okay when you peck Jisung, because I understand it's the way you comfort each other, but full on make out session with Hyunjin is where I draw the line."

"You saw," I say quietly and look down. I'm ashamed of what I've done, but him kissing Yeonjun hurt so I made a stupid decision.

"You know I was there Felix, don't play dumb. Why did you kiss him? Do you love him?"

"I- I saw you kiss Yeonjun and I ran off, he chased after me, I saw you, panicked and kissed him." I ramble and rock back and forth on my feet. I really want to throw myself out of the window.

"I've never kissed Yeonjun. I don't know what you saw, but I've never kissed him."

Is he seriously lying to me?

"You did. When you were dancing."

He pauses for a few seconds, his eyebrows furrowing, before his eyes light up in realization.

"We have a part in our choreo when our foreheads touch, which is really fucking hard to do, with how tall he is. It might look wrong but it isn't. I would never cheat on you. I would never make out with my friend. I don't even want to kiss anyone else, because I have you Felix. You are the one that I want."

(A/N Blue hour by txt starts to play kejjrnfns)

"You never kissed him?" I ask quietly and he shakes his head. "Never."

I'm such an asshole.

"I am so sorry Changbin, I- I've overreacted again.. I'm so sorry." I slowly crumble down to the ground and bury my head in my knees. I'm such an asshole. Why am I like this?

I feel him sit down next to me and look at him with teary eyes. He looks so pretty. He's so wonderful. I'm grateful to have him as my boyfriend.

"I forgive you. But I won't say it's okay because, honestly, it isn't." I nod and wipe away my tears. I understand that. I wouldn't even forgive myself. He's too good for me.

"I'm so sorry, Binnie, I really am."

"What's going on between you and Hyunjin? Do you love him?" He asks instead and I look down to avoid his eyes. I don't want to answer that.

"Be honest with me Felix, please." He's right. I've messed up so many things, the least I can do is be honest with him. He deserves it.

"I- I think I love him.. But I'll stop, I swear, I don't want to lose you, please trust me. I will un-fall in love with him, I can't lose you."

"Do you love him as a friend or something more?" He asks, not showing any emotions, and my heart sinks.

He looks scary. I hate this tone of voice and kind of questioning. With Jongdae this always lead to me getting beaten up.

Sudden wave of fear washes over me and settles in the pit of my stomach, making me alert. I subconsciously move further away from him and let my arms fall to my sides to get ready to defend myself.

"Something more." I answer honestly and my heartbeat picks up with the way he clenches his jaw. I'm scared.

"Has anything happened between you two?"

"We kissed once before, it was accidentally though and then the kiss today." I'm answering automatically, all the memories of Jongdae coming back to me.

"Okay, that's a lot to take in," he takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "Can you please like.. go to someone else's place for a few days? I need space." He stands up and walks to the kitchen, getting himself a glass.

"Are we breaking up?" I whisper, tears welling up in my eyes once again. "I don't want to break up with you Yongbok, but I honestly can't even look at you right now. I understand that you can't chose who you love, but the least you can do is be faithful to me. And you don't even love me anymore so,"

"No, I do love you. I love you so much Changbin, it's just that I also love him."

His body tenses and I suddenly feel so small in comparison to him. He's much stronger than I am, he could hurt me if he wanted to. And he would have every right to do that.

"But you can't love two people romantically at the same time Yongbok! Not if you want to be in a relationship with me. You can't be with me and also love Hyunjin. That's not how it works for me. I am not into this shit and if you are then I respect it but I don't want to be a part of it.

I'm giving you all of my love and affection, I'm giving you everything I have and you're splitting your love between two people. That fucking sucks Felix. It fucking sucks to hear that your boyfriend's going around, kissing and falling in love with your friends. I know he's more attractive than I am, I know he's funnier and taller and you have a lot more in common and if you want to break up with me then say it! Don't lead me on, because it hurts to hear your boyfriend loves one of your friends the same way he loves you! It fucking hurts!" I can barely see through the tears in my eyes.

This doesn't sound like my Changbin. He hardly ever screams at me.

"Did you drink something?" I ask quietly through sobs and tears and his hand grips the glass so tightly it breaks. I jump at the sudden loud noise and back up.

"I don't do that stuff anymore Felix. You know there isn't any alcohol in this apartment I could drink."

"I know, I just don't want you to fall into it once again and you sound very angry," I say in a small voice.

"Wow, okay, I love how much faith you have in me. I can't even be mad without you thinking I'm drunk. That's the love I get.." He snickers sarcastically and I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I hate myself for doing this to us.

"Changbin I didn't mean it like that, I just-"

"Just please leave me alone Yongbok? I don't want to do anything I'd regret. So please, go to Jisung's or somewhere else for a few days."

~
A/N
It's four am, I can hear the birds already singing and I still haven't fallen asleep lmaoo well, I'm anxious as hell because of school again, so yeah...

ANYWAYS, double update, hope you like it <3