Racing For Love

Chapter Twenty Seven

Instead of spending my time off from work in London with Lorenzo, it is now spent visiting Joe in hospital. Although he was only supposed to be in overnight, they are continuing to treat the secondary infection he picked up. This hospital visit is hard on him - his mental confusion at the strange setting is causing additional stress.

The doctor speaks with me as they are now worried about his heart - his blood pressure is continually raised, though I am sure this is in part due to him being out of a familiar place. I feel panic rise within me at every day that he is in the hospital. I have seen before the effect of an extended hospital stay on a person and I begin to feel frustrated by the hospital as they don't seem to understand that they are exacerbating the problem with Joe. I push for his discharge, and finally after three days, he is allowed back to the nursing home.

After his return to familiar surroundings, Joe's health improves immensely. I am relieved to see him improving although his ankle will take a while longer to repair - the purple hued bruise is still present, but at least he is able to begin to exercise on it again.

As the week progresses, Joe continues to improve - he displays a mental clarity unlike anything I've seen for a few months. Sometimes, the non-linear nature of a degenerative disease is hard to reason with - I initially feel excited about how much better he seems but I know that doesn't happen long term - I've been here before, and it leads to greater heartbreak if I get my hopes up too much.

During my visits, Joe has wanted to plan and work out how we will get him to Silverstone. It requires sign off from the nursing home, me employing Dave directly as a carer support for the day, double checks and triple checks about accessibility and also the contingency that if he wakes up and isn't in a good place, the whole lot will be cancelled. I know Joe is pinning everything on the Grand Prix - his motivation to get better coming from his desire to be back where he's happiest. It won't be easy, but I can't deny him this experience. At least needing to spend all this time with Joe this week and all the planning involved has meant i've been able to avoid the rest of my life and it's complications.

As for Lorenzo, after leaving London, I'd expected him to be pissed off by my unexpected departure, but he's been nothing but kind. He also sent me a stunning box of crisp, white roses, which arrived along with my freshly laundered dress. I couldn't bear to see that dress again - my stomach lurched as I opened the protective cover to see it inside and I shoved it to the back of my wardrobe out of sight.

Despite his kindness, I've been avoiding Lorenzo because I don't know how to deal with my feelings for him, especially after what happened with his father.

We've spoken numerous times and he even suggested staying with me after he left the hotel in London. I declined and instead he's returned to Monaco, obviously disappointed. His calls since have been sporadic - he's back to race training and that has made it easier for me to keep focussed on my own work.

I FaceTimed him yesterday, ensuring that he could see the necklace he gave me - I had a flurry of changing from my locket before the call began, because I thought that it would make Lorenzo happy to see it. I feel like i'm stringing him along, not quite ready to give up just yet, but not knowing exactly what I want from our relationship either.

After having some time off, i've been busy in the office in the run up to the triple header - France, then Austria and finally Silverstone before the summer break. I was supposed to be in France, but after Joe's accident, Kate has allowed me to stay at home - I couldn't be more grateful.

It has also meant that I can focus on editing and publishing content, rather than being directly involved in it. The video I featured in from Australia is still the top viewed on our YouTube channel, but I've been struggling with the sexist comments that have appeared amongst the praise for the drivers. I thought that I would love being in front of the camera, but the reality has knocked my confidence.

Formula One is still a male dominated industry, and despite the strides that have been taken to make it more inclusive to women, there is still sexist men, and comments about women's presence in the sport. We are always questioned about our commitment, our knowledge, our reasons for being there - far more than male counterparts. Although at the moment, I am hiding from being visually part of the content we create, I know that I need to get back out there - we need to have a female presence for fans, and show that it's not the boys club it used to be.

For now though, I'm just hoping that the videos we've planned for the races over the coming weeks we will be able to knock the Australia video down the ranks because I have reported enough comments for now. Seeing the comments have added to the feeling of unease that I already feel after Mr Bianchi's advances. Is this sexist side of the industry compromising all that i'm trying desperately to achieve?

I love what I'm doing and I've been desperately seeking this permanent position because I love working with the team, but my confidence has taken a knock, and I need to work out how to get it back. One option is to speak to Kate, but I'm hesitant to do so. Was what happened with Andrea even a thing? There was a suggestion, but he's a clever man, and it would be his word against mine. Perhaps the simplest strategy would be to leave, go back to uni and focus on my masters, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to concede on my dream that easily.

My day in the office concludes with a meeting to finalise the guy's filming schedule for France and they set off ahead of media Thursday. I'm later leaving the office tonight as I'm not seeing Joe - I called earlier, but he's tired after a busy week and I think we both need a break.

Joe's recent mood changes and downturn in health have been challenging to deal with on my own. I'm lucky that the nursing home are supportive and helpful to my situation. Joe and I pretty much only have each other as family. I have no grandparents, no parents and very little extended family, so the responsibility comes down to me. Joe and I spoke about it extensively when he first shared his diagnosis - he knew that there would come a point where I would need to advocate for him, and be the one to make the decisions. He said that he felt guilty to put that burden onto be, but I never wanted him to feel that way. For me, it has always been a way for me to reciprocate what he had to do when my parents passed away and he had to deal with the myriad of responsibilities that came with that - including me.

I drive home lost in my own thoughts. I plan to spend my evening catching up on rubbish TV and trying to switch my brain off. I feel an almost overwhelming guilt over everything - work, Lorenzo, Jono, Joe...my life currently a mixture of emotions that swirl and take up residence in the pit of my stomach. I recognise the overwhelming feelings - reminiscent of how I felt when my parents died. I will seek out my therapist and book in some sessions to ensure I don't descend into a darkness I cannot get out of.

By the time I reach my home, I am resolved to work on my mental health and stability - the season will continue to be challenging, and I need all the tools in my arsenal to deal with it. I walk into the house and dump by bags in the entrance hall, flicking the switches to illuminate the house. I go to turn off the alarm as normal, but the box displays a strange error code, and is flashing with lights.

I walk into the kitchen and immediately notice something is amiss, a feeling of panic surging through me. The first thing I take in is the glass panel in the back door that has been smashed - glass littering the kitchen flagstones. There's something else which causes the colour to drain from my face - I can see dark red liquid seeping under the door to the wine cellar - thick like blood.