Racing For Love

Chapter Fifteen

That horrible nervous feeling continued and I felt sick.

I'd avoided doing this for the last ten years, but I knew that being here this weekend, I had to face the reality of what Monaco meant to me and my family. Walking around alone, I relived the moment Uncle Joe told me of my parents passing, the trip to Monaco afterwards to collect their belongings and bring them home, and then the guilt I felt now because i'd not been able to face this journey for so long. This was the place I felt closest to them and I could almost hear my mother's laugh echoing through the streets as I strode with purpose, finally reaching my destination.

I could see their honeymoon photo as if it was etched into my mind - My mother and father standing on the La Rascasse corner, the edges blurred as cars whizzed past them, but smiles shining in the midst of it - so young, and so in love. It became a place of pilgrimage for them - photos in our house depicting the changing seasons of their lives - photos of us as a family in the same spot, me sitting in the Juan Manuel Fangio memorial car, looking up and laughing at my father, and his kind eyes trained on me as he held my mother's hand.

This was the picture I held in my heart as I utilised the Thursday track walk time to go and pay them a visit. It was ironic that the place where they - we - were happiest was the place where they had died, and I could feel the tears fill my chest as I approached. I took a deep breath, and another, trying to hold them at bay because I needed to get through this - I owed it to them, finally.

I sat down at our spot, sensing them with me and then I allowed myself to feel it all - the pre-requisite sunglasses hiding the tears that flowed now as I remembered them both in all their mad, wild, hedonistic glory. As I sat, I felt free for the first time in forever, unburdening myself from the guilt I had been holding in, a new calmness overcoming me. I spoke a few hushed words to them - wanting them to know I'd finally made it here and was able to honour their memories in the way I knew they would be proud of.

I needed to speak to Joe - I know he'd be proud of me being here, and doing this finally - I called him as I walked back towards The Paddock, he was having a good day and we chatted about Monaco, about racing, about his brother. I wanted to carry on talking, but he started to get confused and tired, I could hear him struggling so I cheerfully said I had to go, trying to hide the sadness in my voice.

I'd call The Home again in a couple of hours and see how he was, but I had to leave him for now - I had learned this the hard way on previous attempts and derailed some of his progress along the way. For now, I could take those memories and those of my own away from this weekend, and I walked with a lighter step as I went back to work for the afternoon.

***

My brain was completely fried after the late night and the emotions of today, but I needed to focus - we had a load of driver content to film this afternoon and I had to get my lists together and make sure I could keep the guys on the straight and narrow. After the tussle on track in Australia, their relationship had been a bit frosty, so it was going to be a fun afternoon to navigate their egos. We'd avoided filming joint content for the last few races, but we had to do something now, especially with rumours about team rivalry in the media. We'd agreed that I was going to take the lead on this, and I was glad to have that distraction.

Pinning the guys down to film the content we wanted was harder than we'd initially thought - nobody could find Lorenzo. Despite confirming times this morning with him, he was nowhere to be seen and Jono was getting frustrated. I send James off to find him, and stayed to chat to Jono - after leaving him at lunch, I wanted to make sure I hadn't offended him by refusing his offer.

When he asked me about what my pressing plans where, I hesitated. "My parents died in Monaco a little over ten years ago, I went to see them."' I said as quickly as I could without my voice breaking. Jono pulled me close and into a huge hug, and I took several deep breaths, unintentionally breathing in his musky scent, before pulling back, realising that we were again in a potentially compromising embrace, though luckily not in view of any cameras other than Matt who was set up behind us. Jono looked confused until I reminded him of the photos from Melbourne. "Shit, it didn't even cross my mind, I just couldn't see you looking so sad. Annie. I'm so sorry for your loss, that must be so hard" his arm reached out to me before he changed direction and pulled at his hair, a look of compassion on his face.

I stood opposite him, my defences up as I tried not to cry "Anyway, it's all good. I did what I came to do for them, and now we've got a job to do. I suppose we could get on with some individual things before Lorenzo gets here?" I asked Jono and he obliged, both of us more comfortable getting back to a work situation and creating a distance from the emotions. We managed to get the list ticked off just as James and Lorenzo appeared. They both had an odd look about them, but I caught Lorenzo's eye and he smiled across, his face returning to it's normal handsome profile.

Filming the guys together started off tricky, not only was there that underlying tension between them, but they had to get used to the dynamic of filming with me leading and not James. The plan was to do a quick fire quiz, but I thought this might be a bit much to begin with, so we started with some content about Monaco, racing and their hopes for the weekend - Jono had a DNF in Monaco last year, but had made it to the podium in the past, Lorenzo by comparison had a P3 last year, so there was lots to talk about with this historic circuit.

By the time I approached the subject of the quiz again, they had warmed up and agreed to participate. They were both laughing at each other and the tension that we saw between them had dissipated, replaced by a friendly rivalry. By some miracle, we managed to end it on a draw too, so there wasn't any awkwardness about who won.

I really enjoyed taking the lead, and James was really helpful in getting everything positioned correctly - we worked well as a team virtually, but in person it was even better. The drivers were dismissed to carry on other duties and the guys and I got ready to edit - each of us taking one section of the recording and we were soon able to finish and find a bar for a well earned drink. I wasn't sure how I felt about being in front of the camera on this video, but it was a good opportunity and I wanted to push myself.

"What happened with Lorenzo earlier?" I asked James as we strolled through The Paddock.
"I'm not sure. I looked everywhere, but then he appeared from around the side of the garage. I'm not sure what he was doing there, but he looked a bit sheepish" He admitted, tightening his grip around my arm and looking at me closely. "I don't want you to get hurt by him Annie - we all know his reputation"

Lorenzo and I had spoke about this in the early hours of the morning - though it was way to early to define what was going on between us, I had said that part of my hesitation was his reputation. He told me how much of it was made up by the media, about how much was made up by people who followed him online, or people who had requested selfies. It was fairly brutal actually how he was being treated, and I defended him to James - who was still not convinced, but dropped it in time for us reach the bar for a drink.

"Where are you sleeping tonight anyway?" he asked as we stood at the bar. "erm, well - i've not made any plans if that's what you're asking!" I said, laughing, but looked at my phone - a message had come through whilst we'd been chatting, and it was from Lorenzo:

I have a couple of marketing questions that are most urgent - shall I come to the hotel to check with you? the message read - the obvious ploy made me smile as I quickly replied: I'll pop around to yours - easier to discuss privately. Be there in 20.

James noticed my smile and I told him plans had changed before quickly finishing my drink and giving my excuses to the group, heading off in the opposite direction to the hotel and hoping nobody would notice.