Racing For Love

Chapter Fifty Five

I've done something perhaps irrational.

Most definitely irrational.

It's the morning after the memorial and I'm on a plane to Italy. My tired body sinking into the first class seat as I sip some complimentary champagne and wonder what the hell I am doing.

I made Kate leave last night despite her desire to stay and make sure I was ok. I used the excuse of her needing to sort out Joe's car for me to encourage her to leave. My body hummed with exhaustion and anxiety so with shaking hands, I went online and booked a hotel and flight so that I could leave as soon as possible. I needed to check in somewhere else and check out of my own life.

Even whilst I packed my bags - filling one with clothes and the other with Joe's diaries - I kept listening out for Jono, but he never came. I had expected him to appear and for us to talk about what happened in Hungary. The raw honesty of his feelings for me, and the joy I felt followed by his anger and blame when it we had a disagreement hurts me so deeply I can barely think about it. The disappointment that he didn't come is helping to fuel my erratic behaviour, escape feels like the only option and leaving in the middle of the night to get to the airport in time seemed perfectly normal.

Before my flight left, I sent an email to Kate - telling her I am travelling and will contact her on my return, then I turned my phone to airplane mode and enjoyed the silence. As we land, I turn it back on again to see a collection of missed calls from Jono, Matt, James and Kate. My phone buzzes in my hand and I pick up to Kate:

"Are you ok??" she asks, a panic in her voice which I struggle to appreciate amongst the chaos I feel.

"I'm fine, I just need to get away from it all. I've gone away. I'll be in touch but I just need some-" I don't finish my sentence because my phone slips in my shaking hand, bouncing down the steps and smashing on the tarmac below me. The airhostess at the bottom hands it to me apologetically as we both look at the fragments of glass and the black screen.

So, not ideal, but I rationalise that the universe is telling me I need a break from everyone, as well as everything. I tuck the broken phone into my bag and go to find my suitcases, unaware in that moment that I am in such a destructive mind-set that I have shut everyone who cares about me out of my life.

I get to the arrivals gate and see a driver holding a sign up with my name - I smile and walk over as he takes the trolley and meanders through the crowds to his car. I thank him, but he speaks only a spattering of English, which means the car ride is blissfully quiet as I stare out at the Tuscan countryside before we reach the hotel.

I have booked a small cabin within the grounds of the Hotel Naturi - I prioritised solitude when I was booking, and the hotel staff helps me with my belongings along the wooden paths and stepping stones before I reach the secluded lodge amongst the trees. A chair waits on the veranda with large doors opened wide to reveal an small kitchen and living area. I am shown the bathroom and bedroom - complete with blackout blinds, which I draw once I thank the helpful bellboy and sink into the soft white sheets.

Exhaustion overcomes me - I was waiting for this moment, for my brain to give up and stop it's manic whirr. The rustle of the leaves in the trees and the silence that surrounds me help to finally relax me enough to enter dreamless, blissful sleep.

*

I wake and realise that I've been asleep for several hours - the earlier sunshine that I arrived to has given way to an evening glow, and I listen out to the sounds of grasshoppers and light birdsong. The shower is wonderfully warm and I wash off the last few days before dressing in a cool linen dress and following the illuminated path to the dining room.