Destined To Be.

Chapter 36

James,

I spent the whole damn night restless!! Tossing and turning has never been my thing so I got out off bed and made my way towards the window. It's a beautiful, warm night, the stars are out and the moon is out in all her glory.

I open the window and sit on the edge my legs dangling downwards. Damn I wish I could smoke!! Instead I look down at the Lolipop that I grabbed from my bedside cabinet.

Yes ...a grown ass man sucking on a lollipops is not very manly but hey the sacrifices we make in the name of love. I quit smoking years back. It was that time when I moved with Tommy to Australia, I wanted a new start and also Ayla was always vexed about me smoking, this was the least I could do ...what with me being a chickenshit coward back then!!

I let her go! I let her marry a stranger , all because I couldn't man up to the feelings I had for her.

Why??

Why was it so hard to admit that she owed me body and soul, that she was and still us the love of my life , that no woman has ever matched up to her!

It's so damn hard seeing her all time, seeing the way she has become towards me, the way she has lost so much weight and the dullness in her beautiful eyes. I know losing her husband has changed her, I feel jealous of that fact! I hate myself for being envious of a dead man! That man had pieces of her that I would never have. Her wedding day, their honeymoon , the intimacy she shared with him, him being her first.

Fuckkkk!!!

I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts!! I have no right whatsoever!! I never gave a damn about her feelings and the the hurt I was causing her when she would see me with other girls. The jealousy radiating from her was so obvious, she never hid her love from me, she was so pure and true with it, but I would throw it in her face again and again. I didn't feel worthy of her back then, I felt she was way out of my league , she was to stay clear from the likes of me.

I guess when I lost my mother and then Azlan not long after , I went through a rebellious stage. I was hurting and I wanted to lash out. My way of doing that was to treat women as a pastime, smoke like a bloody chimney, getting piss drunk, where more than a few occasions Mr Khan would take me into their home as I would be to thrashed to make it home. The ear pulling and disappointment from Mrs Khan and the deathly stares from Ayla are a blurred memory but I a memory non the less.

I never thought my actions would hurt her so deeply and so profoundly. Cowardice was not my only downfall, being a selfish prick was another. I lived in my own bubble of pain and heartbreak and to mask those feelings I would hide behind this tough guy persona as I didn't want to accept the fact that I missed my mother and best friend dearly.

I sense movement in the window opposite and my body stills.  Ayla, comes into view , her hair open and loose framing her face, she hasn't seen me yet as she's to occupied on her mobile phone texting.

Who the hell is she texting a this hour?

I shove the lollipop in my mouth and bite down on it...hard.  My curiosity is getting the better of me and I'm so tempted to make a noise as her face is so genuinely happy at the recipient of the person she's texting.  She then puts the  phone down and opens the window and peeks her head out to stare at the stars above.

A sense of de ja vu washes over me, it takes me back to a time when we were kids and I would come over to her side and the two of us would sit out on top of the connected garage roof, staring at the sky,talking endlessly about anything and everything.

I miss those days, I miss her. The way she would touch me, the way she smiled , the way she would listen. I knew from that time even as a young and innocent kid that this girl was special. That the sweet feelings she invoked in me then would turn into something deeper and intense.