I stood under the running water, very still. I just hoped Mia wouldn't notice that I was too much of a coward.
"Are you done?" She asked, her voice echoing in the bathroom walls.
I didn't reply. I couldn't do what she was asking. However, I couldn't let that Snickers bar she just made me eat just sit in my stomach. I couldn't let my body absorb all of those calories.
"Marianne," she said, impatiently waiting behind the bathroom door "it's really not that hard, you know?"
I know. But I'm a coward.
"You just put two fingers in your mouth and press down. You can also suck if you like, that works too. But your fingers have to hit the back of your throat so you'll gag"
I couldn't do it. I had tried induced vomiting before, but I never succeeded.
A silent minute passed.
"Marianne," Mia called me "are you done now?"
"Mia, I can't do this" I finally said. If only the food came out as easily as words did.
"Do you miss Ana?" She asked.
"Yes"
"If you do this, Ana will be pleased, and she'll forgive you. She'll see that you are willing to do anything in order to be thin. However, if you don't, you'll lose her forever. She'll never trust you again, and she'll never help you get her body"
"I never should have eaten anything in the first place..." I said, looking at my wet feet.
"But you did, and you can undo it only if you do as I say"
Thirty silent seconds.
"I'm gonna ask you something" she said, and I was intrigued.
"Okay"
"Is it scarier to throw up? Or is it scarier to be as ugly and fat as you are now for the rest of your life?"
"But, Mia..."
"Tell me which one is scarier"
I put two fingers in my mouth and pushed them to the back and down as much as I could. It was very unpleasant.
"Marianne," her voice boomed again "which one is scarier?"
I started tearing up. I didn't know if it was out of frustration or because of my fingers. I started to gag and was tempted to stop, but I didn't. Instead, I decided to gag as much as I could, hoping that it'd work.
"Answer me"
It felt like my stomach became flat, contracted. And after that, everything came out. I wondered if there was anything left, but I could see the whole Snickers bar on the floor, slowly getting cleaned up by the water.
"Correct"
