And just like that, my heart collapsed. Why didn't he want to talk to me? What had I done? Nothing but love him.
I decided to go to bed, and ended up crying myself to sleep. Why did he reject me?
When I woke up that morning I could barely open my eyes; they burned from all the tears. It took me a moment to realize why I'd been crying, but then I remembered. Brendon.
Didn't he care that he was making me suffer? Probably not. I mean, I was probably just an immature little kid, crying over nothing. So I decided to numb myself, to try and forget about everything.
I did what I usually did on a Saturday morning; have breakfast, lie in my bed, have lunch, lie in my bed and then shower. By the time I was done with all of that, I checked my phone to see the time. It was 2:34 pm. And there was a notification on my lock screen.
A text from Brendon, and the numbness went away. He texted me! The butterflies started spreading from the center of my stomach up to my chest, down to my toes...
But they died when I read the text.
"Can we talk?" I thought he didn't want to talk to me.
"Now you want to talk?" I replied immediately, out of rage.
"I mean, can I call you?" He wrote, two minutes later.
"Whatever. When?" I replied. I was trying to be indifferent, but I simply couldn't. I wanted to talk to him.
"Tonight, I'll call you at 7:00" he said. He was texting me back quickly. Wow.
"Okay" I simply said, and the conversation died.
The rest of my day was spent, of course, waiting by the phone. Literally, even though I knew he wouldn't call me until seven. At 6:27 pm, I decided to go to the park and walk for a while, just to distract myself.
But I was weak. I couldn't help looking at my phone, just to check the time. I did it every two minutes or so, until it was seven o' clock.
And still, no incoming call. Brendon was never late to anything, he was always on time, no matter if it was a phone call or a lecture. Why didn't he call me?
At 7:15 pm, my phone finally rang. I held it in my hand and froze, looking at the screen. I was unable to answer. However, I figured he might not call again, so I gathered all my courage and answered it.
I held the phone next to my ear, but I didn't talk. He didn't either, but I knew he was there.
"Hello?"
He finally spoke. But he didn't say it like he wanted me to answer, like he was looking forward to talk to me. It sounded more like when you make a pretty irrelevant call and no one talks to you, so you just speak to see if someone is there, out of curiosity.
"Hey" I answered, trying to sound like I didn't care.
"How are you?" He asked, but I knew he didn't really care; he only wanted to make it less awkward.
"Fine" I said, not asking about how he was. I didn't care, or at least I tried not to.
"So I just wanted to talk to you about something..."
"Just fucking say it, let's get this over with" I said, letting some of my frustration out in a way that Cat hadn't taught me.
"College is... Different. Like, sometimes I see girls and I want to say 'wow she's hot', but then it just feels wrong. And it isn't because I think 'my girlfriend is the prettiest' or any of that. I just feel forced to think about you, and it's been more torture than pleasure lately. I'm aware of how insecure you are, so I know how you feel when other girls are prettier than you. That's why I think we should remain friends... Just so you aren't worrying all the time about who I find pretty"
I kept quiet. This couldn't be happening. Ten dead seconds passed.
"Marianne?" He said, making my name sound like a bad word.
"I'm here" I said, trying to make my voice sound neutral.
"Do you agree?"
No. I did not fucking agree. But I couldn't tell him that; it wouldn't make him stay. I couldn't force him to stay if he didn't feel the same anymore. So I was forced to accept.
"Whatever"
Silence once again.
"I love you" he said, and for a moment it felt like nothing had changed, like he hadn't broken up with me.
"I love you, too" I said, sighing and smiling, remembering the way this guy used made me feel only a week ago.
