Deb was the girl I'd interacted the least with. However, she gave me more to think about than Ana, Mia and Cat put together. Her words lingered, and I couldn't help seeing everything she'd said was true.
Whenever I walked past any reflective surface, I noticed she was right. I didn't even walk like the other girls; I looked like a small balloon with arms and legs trying not to fall down. Graceless. Ridiculous.
So I started to believe it. Anyway, I already believed it even before I met Deb, I simply tried to suppress it. But she got me to set free all of those bad thoughts, all of those sad thoughts. And it made me feel weird.
I didn't feel like I was in hell, but I didn't think I was in heaven either. However, at night, I just cried myself to sleep. I cried because I was hungry. I cried because I was fat. I cried because I was ugly. I cried because I was sad. I cried because I wanted to feel okay, but I hated myself.
And weeks passed, and nothing changed. Brendon and I still weren't together. I still didn't weigh 80 pounds, despite how little I'd been eating and how much I'd been exercising. My skin was still full of acne. I still didn't like myself. My arms were still full of cuts. I still had no friends. High school was still torture.
So after a while, I started to get tired. And even though I slept as much as I could, I was still tired. Tired of being ugly, fat, stupid and unwanted. I wanted it to end.
One day, when I was running around the park at night, I saw a girl. Two, actually. One of them was Deb, who I hadn't seen in weeks. The other one I hadn't met. Even though I knew she was probably friends with the rest, there was something different about her. She was very pretty, unlike Deb. But she didn't look interesting. She was kind of scary, like Cat, because they were both extremely pale. Her hair was wavier than Ana's, but just as dark and long. Her eyes were gray. What was up with that? Did they all wear contact lenses? Or were they somehow related?
"Hey Marianne" Deb greeted me, as I slowed down.
"Hi"
"So my friend was so excited to meet you that I came looking for you, and here we are"
The other girl looked up at me. She looked empty.
"I'm Sue" she said, and held out her hand for me to shake.
"Marianne" I said, as I took her hand. It was ice cold and light; weak.
"Well... I guess I'll leave you two" Deb said as she started to walk away. Everything about that girl was frightening, and I didn't even know why. It wasn't like Cat, who challenged me to do something pretty scary. Deb was the monster under my bed: I didn't need to see her to know she was there.
Sue and I started walking. Everything with these girls was so damn weird and awkward, and this walk was no exception.
"Are you hungry?" Sue asked after five minutes of walking.
"No" I replied. Maybe if I said it out loud I'd believe it.
"Stop lying" she said. Her voice sounded threatening.
"I'm not lying, I'm not hungry"
"You are lying, not only to me but to everybody else"
"Who am I lying to?" I asked, looking at her with curiosity.
"You lie to your mom when you spit her food in a bag and then tell her it was delicious. You lie to Ana when you say you really won't eat again, as you are a weak piece of shit and always do. You lie to Mia when you tell her you don't want Ana to leave you, because if that was true then you'd obey her. You lie to Cat when you tell her you don't want to cut anymore when it's really the only thing you want to do. You lie to Deb when you tell her you don't want to be sad. Marianne, you are sad, and sadness is all you know. You don't want to be happy because you don't know how. So stop lying for a moment and answer: are you hungry?"
"Yes, Sue, I am pretty damn hungry!" I snapped.
"Why don't you eat?" She asked, holding out a Butterfinger.
"Because I can't" I said, with my arms crossed and my head down.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm fat"
"Oh, but it's just a candy bar. You won't gain any weight" she said, persuasive.
"I will, I know it"
"Come on, just a bite" she said as she opened the package. I inhaled and the sweet smell burned my lungs.
"What do you think you're doing?" I heard a familiar voice scream in the distance.
