"Why are you so upset?" Cat asked, in that thin, soft voice of hers.
I didn't usually open up to people. But with Ana and her friends... It was different. Even though Cat was a stranger, she made me feel like I could trust her, just the way Ana did when we first met. There was something about Mia too. These three girls made me feel like I had to tell them everything, but it also felt like they already knew everything, anyway.
"My boyfriend's not speaking to me and I don't know why" I replied. I was about to start crying.
"Did you guys have a fight?" She said as she sat on my bed.
"No," I said, and then I looked down "but he started college five days ago"
"He hasn't talked to you at all?" Cat said, never raising her voice.
"He did on the first two days," I said "and he was so... Sweet"
"Why did he stop?"
"I have no idea"
"Have you tried texting him first?"
"Yes! I figured maybe he felt like I never started a conversation, and maybe that made him think I didn't want to talk to him" I said, pretty frustrated.
"So? What happened?"
"When I talked to him... He simply made me feel like he didn't want to talk to me, like I was annoying. There's nothing wrong with that, but why doesn't he just tell me? How hard is it to say 'I don't really feel like talking' or 'you're being really annoying'?"
"Maybe he didn't want to hurt your feelings" Cat said.
"He's hurting my feelings by making me feel guilty"
"Why do you feel guilty?" Cat asked, looking at me.
"Because... I must've done something. Something bothered him and that's why he doesn't want to talk to me"
"It's always your fault" Cat said, choking out the words.
"It's always my fault" I repeated, agreeing.
A silent minute passed.
"Have you tried letting it all out?" Cat finally spoke.
"No" I answered. "Is there even a way?"
Cat pulled a box out of nowhere. It was a small box of Altoids. Were Altoids her way of letting it all out?
She slowly opened the box, pulling out a small silver object. From what I could see, there were a lot more of those inside the box. They all shifted when she picked one.
In one swift movement, she pulled up her sleeve and dragged the object from her wrist to her elbow. A blade.
Her face never changed; she didn't cringe, she didn't flinch. She just held the bloody blade between her index and thumb, while she looked at her arm, the beads of blood slowly surfacing.
I frowned. She looked up at me, smiling. I couldn't look at that smile, I couldn't take it. My stare moved down to her arm, where much more blood surfaced. The blood would stain the bedspread, and my mom would get mad. I stood up and ran to the bathroom to get some wipes.
When I entered my room, Cat looked exactly the same. Except she was crying. I sat down close to her and frowned at the scene. I handed the wipes to her.
"Thank you" she said, cleaning the blood on her arm.
I didn't know what to say, so I kept quiet for a while. Cat apparently felt the same, as she didn't speak either. Those five minutes felt like fifty.
"How does that help?" I asked. I'd thought about doing it before, but I never had the courage to actually cut myself.
"You really want to know?" She asked, and it was the first time her voice didn't sound like she was about to choke.
"I want to understand"
"You were telling me about your frustration" she said. Why did she change the subject?
"I was... But I think I already told you everything"
"No, you didn't" she stated. "Your boyfriend issues are not the only thing that's bothering you. Tell me everything that has ever made you frustrated"
"The girls at my school" I said.
"Why do they make you frustrated?"
"Because I'm not like them"
"How are you not like them?" She asked.
"I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I can't dance, or even walk for that matter"
"What else?" She was pushing me.
"I have no friends, nobody likes me" I was about to cry.
"What about your weight? You're friends with Ana and Mia, but you still don't look like them. Why?"
"Because they're perfect, and I will never be. I will never be thin. I will never be pretty. I will never be graceful" my eyes stung.
"Why not?" She asked. Her voice wasn't soft anymore; she wasn't afraid to hurt me with her words. The girl who seemed so sweet, so... Empathic, the girl who was listening to my problems only minutes ago was a demon.
"Because I'm weak" I blurted out. "I can't stop eating, I'm always hungry. I'm so damn fat" I said as a tear escaped.
"Aren't you tired of being stupid and worthless?" She asked.
I gave her a grimace of pain, and she just raised an eyebrow at me. I couldn't take it.
I quickly took the box containing the blades from her lap.
