Passionate Professors || Sebastian Sallow

Part 1 | Ch. 39 - Layers

Sebastian Sallow POV

I let the door shut behind me with a soft click, water droplets rolling off my damp skin to the worn plank floor. The sigh that escaped my lungs was unyielding. Every time I see her, it adds more pressure in my chest, piercing holes in my airways.

Watching Gianna drop that robe, enter into the tub naked, her hair glistening in the moonlight, the reflection of the water sparkling in her blue eyes...I bit my cheek just thinking about it. A copper tang filled my mouth and I swallowed the blood and saliva, just like I swallowed everything else I felt about her.

This past month back at Hogwarts had been one of the hardest of my life, with the exception of anything related to caring for or losing Anne.

I hadn't expected to see Gianna when I accepted the Potions Master position from Matilda Weasley earlier that Summer. In all honesty, I was pretty sure she was dead up until an article came out about her early retirement from the Ministry in the Daily Prophet after she and Poppy stopped a big string of poachers. Seeing her name in the paper, a moving photo of her smiling hollowly, there was nothing left behind her eyes. She might as well have been dead. 

To mask the pain of her being gone, I dated Clara Moore for a while, really out of sheer need to distract myself from losing G. Once Clara made it known how obsessed she was with me, I broke it off. I couldn't let myself get close to anyone, ridding myself of the ability to love. Of course, there were other women after her too. One or two at a time, they were always pining over me as I sat alone drunk in a random pub nightly. Finally, I gave up on rejecting them all, letting a different one follow me back night after night to the lonely manor in the Cape once it was ready for guests. I fucked them to take away the pain that shrouded me like a shadow, but I never loved any of them like I loved Gianna during our time at Hogwarts.

A few weeks before we drank the Veritaserum, reading "Professor Eversley" on the door next to mine in the Faculty Tower was gut wrenching. Beholding her in person as she paraded around the castle, watching her sit way too close to Garreth on the side of the fountain that night, was even worse. I hated it. With almost every fiber in my being, I hated her too, except for a tiny shattered piece of me that would always feel something for her.

She was my best friend for years and first love for Merlin's sake. Instead, I shoved that feeling down by being an asshole to her, hoping she hated me as much as I hated myself. At least I could live with that.

Allowing myself to get close to her again, a blatant truth stuck out, the intrusive thought wrapping around my mind like a slithering serpent: Gianna deserves so much more than I could ever give, someone that can be present and whole. Not distant and broken like me.

But the Veritaserum changed everything. Hearing her truth, telling her mine...it was like I could breathe again, like my head had come up from underwater. Deep down, I realized my feelings for her had never fully gone away, despite the distance and time. Coming to terms with them was another story. Some days, I was ready to jump back in right where we left off, enjoying her presence and making up for our lost time. Other days, I longed to just be alone for the rest of my life and was content doing so. That was much easier than facing the pain that had accumulated.

But when I think about actually being with her, touching her, kissing her, making love to her...it thrusts me into sheer madness, rendering me absolutely feral. I lose all control of my thoughts and feelings, letting only my impulses take over.