Between the Veil and Crown

Kylin 25

Kylin slid off Vicious and began taking off her saddle slowly while Amelia waved to Rei. Vicious displayed her disapproval of Kylin's slowness by stamping her foot and flicking her ears. But he paid her no mind. The longer he could avoid acknowledging Rei, the better.
As anxious as he was to be fit to sent back out again, there was a niggling in the back of his head that worried that Rei still wouldn't find him fit. He knew he was still having a hard time being honest with himself- it was most certain that Rei would realize that. Going through Rei's assessment meant a careful scrutiny Kylin wasn't sure he could pass.
He wasn't sure if he could ever pass it. The comfort Marwick had offered in their conversation was wearing off, and the doubts were slowly returning. It wasn't likely that he could ever get rid of them.
He pulled off the bridle and Vicious immediately took off, not bothering to give Rei a glance as he approached the fence. Kylin watched her going, highly aware of Rei's horse standing next to the fence as the captain and Amelia exchanged greetings.
There was a moment of silence before Rei asked, "How's she treating you?"
"He named her Vicious," Amelia informed him, her tone clearly indicating that she still disapproved of the choice in name.
"She deserves it," Kylin rebutted. "If she were nicer, I'd choose a nicer name."
As if to prove his point, Vicious threw her heels into the air. She ended her wild display by plopping on the ground and rolling around.
"I have confidence that you will be able to keep her under control," Rei said mildly. "The horse master and I agreed that she was the perfect fit for you."
Kylin didn't answer. He wasn't sure about the "perfect fit," but he wasn't going to argue with the horse master's decision. Wiser Rangers before him had done so, earning themselves horses that were retired from Ranger duties and knew it. The arrangement would only last as long as the Ranger's pride allowed them.
Rei slipped off his horse, inquired Amelia about lodging the horse, then left to take care of such business. Amelia shot Kylin a glance once Rei's back was turned. Kylin refused to meet her gaze. He didn't want her to know about the anxious feeling rising from somewhere in his stomach to his face. He forced himself to remember to take deep breaths, lest he stopped breathing altogether.
It was going to be fine. It was going to be all right. It had to be. As much as he enjoyed staying with Amelia, he did not like the idea of continuing to stay with her as means of "healing." It was beginning to feel as much of a punishment as being sent to headquarters so he stayed away from the soldiers.
He was done with the punishment-yet-not-actually-punishment.
Rei returned, quite relaxed and unbothered about the conversation that was going to take place.
"I hope that everything is going well with you and Selim? He's not giving you any issues?" Rei asked Amelia.
She shook her head. "No, he's been a great help as always. Though with winter coming up, he may find himself a bit bored."
"I'm sure you will come up with something," Rei assured her. "We have not received any word yet about the soldiers looking for him, so we'll keep him with you for a while yet, unless you say otherwise. If you no longer feel up to the task, then let me know as soon as possible and we'll take him off your hands."
Amelia gave him her thanks. She cast a side glance at Kylin. Unfortunately for him, Rei took notice. A gentle, yet small smile came to his lips as he answered the question unasked.
"Yes, if there is a spot where Kylin and I could go unbothered?"
Amelia gestured to the lean-to. "That is if you wish to be in a building. I have taught Selim how to prepare ingredients for some of my regular potions, and I daresay he's quite enjoying himself. So I do not wish to interrupt him."
"The stable it is then." Rei motioned for Kylin to follow him, giving Amelia a nod as he headed in that direction.
Amelia tried to catch Kylin's attention as he slipped through the bars of the fence, but he ignored her. He did not want to address anything at the moment. His heart was already pounding too fast for his liking. Talking about, or even acknowledging anything to anyone else would just make it go faster.
The sooner the conversation was over the better.
When two reached the lean-to, Kylin settled himself into a corner and picked up a piece of straw to fiddle with as he awaited Rei's assessment.
Rei was in no such hurry, however. He noticed Selim's attempt at boarding up patches in the walls and took a few minutes to study the handiwork.
Perhaps he needed to be prompted into the inevitable, but Kylin's mouth was getting dry. Better to wait him out.
At long last, Rei straightened and cleared his throat. "I have thought long and hard about what I wanted to see before you returned to your normal duties as a Ranger," he began. "And if you hadn't achieved those expectations, how to help you. After a brief conversation with your brother before his return home, I think the answer became a little clearer to me."
Kylin bit the inside of his lip. He trusted Marwick enough that he wouldn't expose some of the more intimate details of their conversation, but that didn't mean Marwick wouldn't provide insight to Rei that made him think Kylin wasn't ready.
"You are too comfortable, and you will never grow as you need in this manner," Rei stated.
Kylin finally lifted his eyes to meet Rei's. Too comfortable? Did he mean staying with Amelia? While it was certainly a break, Kylin wouldn't call himself "too comfortable."
"As things are, I cannot allow you to return as a Ranger striving to be average," the captain continued. "To do so means you will only learn how to skate by, and in truth, you've already learned to do that. You learn the line to toe to convince me and others that you're all right for the most part. In doing so, you never face what needs to be faced."
Kylin felt the urge to challenge him on that. Average? He wouldn't necessarily consider himself average. Above average- Rei had to give him that much.
However, he sensed that Rei had more to say, so challenging him now would be too early.
"So from here on out, things are going to change for you if you wish to continue as a Ranger."
Was he really going to be given an ultimatum? Rei would actually kick him out of the Rangers? He opened his mouth to protest.
But Rei was not finished. "I will not accept you any longer to be an average Ranger. One of the regulars. You must strive for specialization, and complete the necessary tasks in order to be consider eligible."
It was funny. His heart which had been beating so rapidly only moments ago now had stopped suddenly- so suddenly, it was as if it was never there. Specialization? He now had to enter a specialized area in order to stay as a Ranger? That was hardly fair, given that was not an expectation of any other Ranger.
"I have no interest in becoming specialized," Kyin said firmly.
"One, that's bullcrap and we both know it," Rei replied, folding his arms. "Two, even if that was true, you're going to have to find an interest, as this is now a requirement."
"And what the heck is this going to accomplishment?" Kylin demanded to know, taking steadying breaths to keep any tone of anger out of his voice. "How is this even going to help me?"
Rei sighed. "I've just told you, but in case you were just pretending to listen to what I was saying, this is to push you out of your comfort zone." He paused. "All things considered, I feel strongly that you should aim for beast master apprentice."
"No," Kylin said harshly. All control out of respect for Rei's position of authority left him at the suggestion.
"Unless you would like to try and convince me that you've grown a stronger attachment in another field?" Rei challenged. "You were already on that path as you were leaving your apprenticeship, and with good reason."
Kylin cut him off. "And with good reason, I stopped."
"Which should have only been temporary."
"Rei!" Kylin growled, quickly getting to his feet. His breath had quickened, and the blood was rushing to his face.
"That's captain to you!" he snapped.
The two of them stood only inches apart, eyeing each other. Rei firmly held his ground. The glint in his eye dared Kylin to make another step, to make any other kind of move. And the temptation to do something against Rei was there. Despite knowing that Rei was more than capable of taking on several of his own Rangers, the desperation Kylin felt had enough strength to battle with that knowledge. Even his heart flung itself against his ribs, urging him forward. Urging him to do something -anything- as though that would convince Rei to reconsider what he was asking of Kylin.
He flexed his fingers, ready to follow through with the urge.
But what would that do? a small voice inside him asked. What good would come of it? If anything, it would only convince Rei that he shouldn't continue being a part of the Rangers.
He stepped back, swallowing hard.
Did Rei have no compassion? What kind of heartless and cruel ultimatum was this? Push him out of his comfort zone? This was well beyond comfort zone, particularly the expectation to become the beast master's apprentice.
Rei spared him no mercy when he backed down. "Vivienne had told me that she still hopes that you'd pursue the apprenticeship again, so you have no need to fear anyone else ruining this for you."
Kylin collapsed against the wall of the lean-to, head bowed. He had heard Rei's words, but they were distant, faded. "Please don't make me do this," he begged.
"Do you have another plan?" Rei asked.
A silence followed the question. Kylin didn't have another plan. He just wanted to be approved to return to his duties. He for the most part could accept that he had no guilt in Favel's death. That should have been enough. There was no need for Rei to push farther.
Rei shifted himself, relaxing his stance. His next words were softer. "Do you think that I've been a perfect captain?"
That was not a question Kylin was going to answer.
Thankfully, it did not seem Rei wanted him to give an answer. "I've made decisions that have costed others their lives. While, sadly, it comes with the territory of this profession, there are deaths that could have been avoided. If I had followed your example, I would not be the captain." He paused. "I'm not sure anyone would be. You are not the first, nor will you be the last, to make costly mistakes. However, as long as I'm your captain, I will do what I can to keep it from owning you and controlling your decisions."
His words hung in the air, waiting for Kylin to receive them. But he just let them sit there. He had already determined that there was nothing Rei could do to "fix" him. It was just the way things were now.
Somewhere on the other side of the lean-to, Kyin could hear Amelia's goats making a fuss as she stepped out to give them some food. Their bleating was a perfect distraction, emptying his head of all the thoughts that Rei's conversation had stirred up. When the bleating died down after the goats received their food, and Amelia bade them farewell as she returned inside, Kylin kept his thoughts clear.
All that was left was to wait for Rei to leave. He had given his expectations, as unfair as they were, so now it was time for him to leave.
An eternity passed before the captain finally took the hint. He took a deep breath and sighed. "Right now, there are no apprentices for you to take on. So you will have to wait on that. However, there is still enough work to do before you reach the standard requirements Vivienne has for her apprentice. You may return to the headquarters for final instruction when you are ready to accept what is now expected of you." Rei turned to walk out, then stopped. "If you do not believe that you are capable continuing the path of a Ranger, then you may return your horse at the nearest camp."
He clapped Kylin on the shoulder before heading out.
Kylin remained where he was, fearing to move. Wishing this was only a nightmare.
Leaving the Rangers was the last thing he wanted to do.
But so was pursuing the beast master apprenticeship.