Heavenly Virtues

Part 48

Ashley gripped the phone as it rang, hoping that someone would pick up. "Hello?" "Rocco? It- it's Ashley." There was a pause for a moment as Ashley waited for his response. "Hey hun, you okay." She scoffed "been better.. the boys there?" She was hoping they would be, because she had called the pub and they weren't there.

"Yeah, they're here." She sighed "can..can I talk to them?" There was shuffling and Ashley thought she might hear them speak, until she heard Rocco again. "I uh, don't think so hun. They're pretty drunk." Ashley held her breath, trying to hold in the tears, but nodded. She took a deep breath calming herself, "Okay. Can you um," she rolled her eyes as she let the phone drop into her lap and left out a small sob before bringing it back to her ear. "Can you just tell them that I love them, and that I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I can do that." She smiled a small smile "thanks Roc." She heard him say "no problem hun." Before she pressed the end button. She laid back on the bed as she stared at the ceiling she chewed on the inside of her lip trying not to cry. It didn't last long and she eventually found herself crying rubbing her tummy, thinking about their baby.

The boys wanted to be Da's, and that was the hardest part of it all. She wanted to give them everything, love, comfort, a sense of home within her. Did that include giving them a family? To her the three of them made a family, to them it seemed though that, that wasn't enough. She wasn't enough. She eventually fell sleep missing the comfort of her boys.

Ashley had today off, Darlene had brought in someone new to train and Ashley had said she could use the time off, even before yesterday. When she woke up the sun was streaming in through the windows in their apartment, warming the place physically but doing nothing to make the place more inviting or comforting.

She laid there for a while, mentally fighting with herself when she heard a knock on the door. She sat up so quick she felt the nausea hit her hard, a feeling she had been fighting all morning. She scrambled out of bed as she bit back the vomit threatening to spew on the floor. She wiped the door open, thinking it was the boys. Her face fell visibly for a second before she smiled a small smile at her friend.

"I brought bagels and coffee." Mary said holding them in front of her with a smile. "Can I come in?" Ashley nodded and moved to the side. Mary dropped everything off on the table, eyeing the pamphlets that were still there, and turned to Ashley, wrapping her in a tight hug.

As they embraced Mary spoke "Rocco told me the boys stayed there last night." Mary pulled away, rubbing her hands up and down Ashley's arms lightly "what happened?" The two sat at the table and drank their coffee as Ashley told her what happened, what the boys said to her and how they left it.

"Holy shit." Ashley worked her lower lip with her teeth and nodded. "I don't know, a part of me wants to give them this, a family. I could see them both being amazing Da's." Mary reached out and held onto Ashley's hand "why don't you want kids?" Ashley shook her head "I don't know, I think once upon a time I did, but then Cody happened, the guy that put me in the hospital. The world just seems so scary and unpredictable, do I really wanna bring a kid into that? I couldn't even protect myself." She placed her hand on her stomach "how am just supposed to protect them?"

Mary furrowed her brows. "Cody isn't the whole world. There's scary people, scary things out there, but between you an the boys, those things wouldn't stand a chance." Ashley let her head fall and spoke so quiet Mary almost didn't hear her. "I won't be a good Ma." Mary squeezed her hand. "If you want this baby, you'll be a good Ma. The way you take care of yourself, the boys, how you handle yourself, you would be an amazing Ma."

The two were quiet for a bit as Ashley really thought about what she wanted and why. "It's your decision, just don't make this decision out of fear." Mary said pulling out the bagels. "Yeah." Ashley replied, taking a bite of her bagel, hoping it would calm her stomach a bit.