behind walls | nomin

9 | tear

"oh my gosh, you should so so so come along!"

jeno had already begun regretting his plans, but he knew that it was far too late, and also far too early at the same time. almost the whole school knew due to chaehyuns enthusiasm and genuine love, and jeno had to struggle to keep it veiled for jaemin. he felt uneasy having no idea how he was bound to react, not as if he wanted to know.

"please please please babeee, youre never any fun. come on!"
"i like your stubbornness, but im sorry, im busy." jeno was keenly irritated. of course he wasnt busy. there was just simply no will in him. at all. he only had a heart for one person.
"youre always busy, i know youre lying silly!" chaehyun sounded moderately serious yet somewhat whimsical.
"dont accuse me, okay? you dont even know me. and..." he doubted everything for a moment. was it worth it? what was he actually sacrificing? "you know," his voice lowered, alike the way he first interacted with jaemin. chaehyun silenced, creating a stiff, unpleasant atmosphere between the signals. 
"stop telling everyone were a couple, because we arent. just because i spent two hours with you doesnt mean im into you. i dont know where you let it get in your head but let me just make it clear. youre delusional. youre nobody to me. you should be grateful i reacted this early and spared you tears, now quit your games and do not interact with me or my friends to reach me." he snarled unemotionally before hanging up and blocking, letting a deep sigh slip between his lips. he had indeed fucked up the original plan, but the problem was solved, at least temporarily. he yet had no idea of the actual outcome, which would stay unknown until the next day. 

jeno saw the digital clock convert to 00:00, monday. he was beyond drowsy as his hefty eyelids threatened to collapse at any unforeseeable moment. an unsettling sensation of dismay was at him once again. feeling his dimmed, darkened surroundings, a demented feeling swayed past him. his body switched off. but he was not asleep. 

jaemin saw the digital clock convert to 00:00, monday. he had just received the worst news of his life. the last news he would ever want to receive. he flung his phone with all power and force across the cold room. scenes converted in blur. he threw himself on the hardware floor, plummeting head first. his eyes were dead shut. but he was not asleep. 

thankfully, jaemin did not die. he had only suffered from concussion but his mental state was beyond worse than that. jeno however, was completely unaware of the entire situation until arriving school. he was too tired to worry or question jaemin for not messaging him earlier nor arriving to the parking lot, where they had planned to meet. 
upon discerning jaemins absence, jeno tries to shake it off, but the unanswered questions slowly lead to immense distress, especially after him not picking up the 41st missed call.
following his gut, jeno leaves school early and heads to jaemins place, which he spends over 20 minutes trying to find. with an aching heart, he hesitantly knocks on the paneled door. an elderly woman opens the door and greets him.

"why, hello dear! you must be jeno? how can i help you?"
jeno forces a sweet smile, figuring she has relations to jaemin. he catches himself nervous.
"oh, erm, yeah, thats me, good afternoon, ma'am. is... uh... jaemin? is jaemin at home?"
the pure smile on the elderlys face fades into a sorrowful pout.
"oh honey..." she pauses. "come on inside."
jeno does as told. he gets sat down at the dining table. the horrid feeling in his gut only grows. the woman sits herself on the opposite side of the table. she lets out an agonizing sigh.
"my dear, im so sorry..." she reaches for some napkins. "jaemins sister passed away last night... and... jaemins in hospital after suffering a concussion..." she wipes her dampened eyes. jeno is in shock. she speaks again. "im jaemins grandmother. ive actually... heard a lot about you. im so sorry dear."
too stunned to move, jeno lets his tears fall. one by one. "n-no... i-im sorry for you ma'am." he clears his throat. "im so sorry for you."
"oh sweetheart... theres no need to be sorry for me. ive seen the worst happen. i know how exactly you feel. i can assure you with all my heart that jaemin will be just alright, dear. trust me. dont worry."
jeno lets out a loud cry as it hits him. he knew.
jaemin will never be the same. school will never be the same. nothing will ever be the same.

following the heaviest walk home, jeno tumbles down recklessly on his sofa, allowing himself to drown in his millions of relentless thoughts. his eyes were so sore from the thousands of tears, everything appeared in blur. his voice was entirely drained from the hundreds of cries, not a single sound could be let out. he really couldnt help himself today, it was too much. he gathers himself and reaches out behind the sofa. "im sorry mom." he whispers before taking a large sniff, letting a large sigh of euphoria and guilt. he felt like his father. he repeats the process four times before puking and passing out.

"jeno..?" jaemins on his hospital bed. he fails to force a smile. he was lump and sore. he couldnt even hug his boyfriend back. he wanted to cry again, but there were no tears left. his head was about to explode. 
"j-jaemin im so so so fucking sorry." jeno blubbers between deep breathes. his head was hung low as he held jaemins hand in distress. 
"jen. im okay." jaemin whispers, his eyes shutting. "im tired."
"love, please. just promise me, dont leave me." jeno felt his throat tighten. "stay strong for your sister, na." he gently wraps his arms around jaemins cold neck, silently snuffling. 

at one point, jeno had to let go. he was escorted out of the hospital room and left alone in the chilly hallways. it was late afternoon, the rain could be heard pouring intemperately from outside. despite multiple storm warning notifications buzzing in jenos phone, he walks out impetuously with only a hood out of polyester. 

after around 30 minutes, he finally arrives home soaked, he warms up soup and locks himself in his room. he had missed 17 calls and over 100 messages. he couldnt believe more than half of them were chaehyun - from another number.