behind walls | nomin

10 | regret, love, regret

jeno saunters through hallways.

he knew the cocaine had gotten the better of him. his fingers were fidgeting uncontrollably. his fervent agitation made him want to slam his face on his metal locker as soon as he caught the sight of chaehyun and her friends appear at the corner of his eye. he unsteadily breathes a sigh of solace as they soon disappear after a few whispers. truthfully, he didnt know what he was doing in school in such weather without jaemin. the wild wind was toppling trees from pillar to post with ease. mark wasnt at school either due to his suspension, but jeno could only be delighted about it. however, he was immensely concerned of how much the bullying would harm and extensively change jaemin once he returned. and it terribly anguished jeno that it was ultimately his fault that jaemins reputation was sunk dead low. 

"my guy, my guy! whats up? ive literally not heard from you in ages." jenos senior doyoung exclaims eagerly, greeting jeno with a dap. doyoung was sitting with fellow seniors irene, taeyong, johnny and jaehyun.
it was lunchtime but the cafeteria was unfilled due to the weather. jeno sits himself down between doyoung and jaehyun. they were all very fond of each other. he used to spend all his younger days with doyoung and their friends, as their moms were similarly close as well.
doyoung was also one of the few who actually knew about his situation at home.
"just the usual. how have yall been?" jeno tries to steadily ask. the paranoia was affecting his social skills.
"not bad. you got coke on you?" jaehyun blatantly asks, which catches jeno off guard.
"huh?- oh- uh- no?" jeno fumbles and slaps himself on the forehead in perturbation. doyoung and johnny let out a small chuckle.
"oh, son. just be responsible using it, yeah? also consider switching colognes, because this does not veil the coke smell at all. you wont wanna get caught." doyoung pats him on the back. jeno smiles contentedly, knowing if it was mark, he would only annoyingly want to try - but only for the sake of flexing and not for jenos reason.
"hows it going with chaehyun by the way?" irene asks, taking a sip of water. jeno could hear the smirk in her supercilious voice. he exhales and shakes his head.
"didnt work. i knew it from the beginning."
"hm? how so?" she questions inquiringly while poking in her food.
"well, to start of with... she was half-fucking mark the night before she asked me out." he pauses, struggling to formulate the correct sentences. "and when i well give her a chance, she just... cant seem to respect my personal space and time. accusing me for being uncaring and loveless because i didnt cancel a whole weeks plan for her is just too much. not to mention her making our mutual friends spam the fuck outta me just because i ended that nonexistent relationship... yeah... kinda pissed." all he hoped now was that the lie would do its part.
"next level entitlement id say." johnny says before laughing at himself. jeno nods in agreement, but was secretly smiling ominously to himself.

jeno was absent from school the following days. he was regularly slumped on his bed, worrying for jaemin. he vaguely wished they had never met in the first place, never started talking, never knew about each other at all. it was jaemin against the rest of the world. jeno knew that he knew better than prioritizing this propaganda of so-called "popularity" over his loved ones, but yet, he was still continuously hurting jaemin, the supposedly ' love of his life', for the sake of being respected and approved by valueless people. it was killing him on the inside, not knowing what to do.

the next day, jeno decides to pay jaemin a visit, hoping he had returned home. they had not been in contact since their previous meet in their hospital and jeno was in desperate need to properly comfort his younger. he had prepared a box filled with jaemins favorite snacks, some flowers, a plushie and a thoughtful note and was more than ecstatic to see him. he made sure he looked and smelled good before heading off, leaving a sequence of vanilla behind him as he left.

jeno was praying jaemin would be home by now. he softly taps the door twice, his heart skipping a beat as it unlocked. jaemin. jeno instantly threw himself into a ferocious, warm hug, kissing jaemins forehead thrice. 
"oh my-" jeno began. he was abruptly interrupted by jaemins suppressed murmurs.
"you need to leave." jaemin gently pushes him out. "renjun... i..."
jaemins eyes were dull and had a single sparkle lit as he briefly gazed at jeno, who couldnt help but ache of detriment.
"but..." but it was too late. they had already been spotted and jeno was easy to distinguish. "fuck fuck fuck. call me later. i love you."
"i cant!" jaemin called out, but jeno had already vanished from the hallway. 
"what the fuck na." 
panicked, jaemin turns around.
"renjun, i-i need you to listen to me..." he was terrified. renjun was stunned.
"im listening, na. and im not pissed." 
"thank you... i..." nervousness had struck his nerves.
"calm down and get inside, jaemin. take your time."
they close the door behind them. jaemin stared at his fingers as they fidgeted with everything possible.
"i...i honestly dont know. he- i- we... we kind of hated each other for a short while... and then... i saw him at the hospital... he was crying... we talked. we came across each other the next day and kinda talked more... i- he is a nice guy, hes a good person. we just... spent more time together and i forgot who confessed... but... yeah... listen, i really wanted to tell you several times, especially before... your encounter with mark, but i couldnt bring myself to... i thought you were going to unfriend me... and tell the whole school that i was a fag... and... completely ruin jenos status... i dont know honestly. so much was going on too." he looked up. renjun was smiling. not a disgusted smile, nor really a beaming ecstatic smile either. neither jaemin couldnt tell if it was a forced smile or not - his brain thought it had to be one, but at the same time he didnt want to think so. he felt like it was the type of smile to give after receiving a heap of useless stuff but find one or two things actually useful but then not knowing what to do with the trash.
"that you would think so of me, jaem... dont you think jeno wouldve absolutely slaughtered me?" renjun giggles. "its your thing, jaemin. you do you. im glad youve found someone who treats you well at least... or he better do."
jaemin smiles too.
"oh trust me, he does."