behind walls | nomin

11 | stigma

it had gone days, if not weeks,

since jeno saw jaemin. he figured jaemin mustve broken his phone in the fall. he didnt know what was right of him to do. the untouched gift box sat on his bedside table made him go crazy. he wanted to visit jaemin again, but what if he was convinced to hate him? renjuns astounded look hinted outrage, it wouldnt surprise him if jaemin were to return with a cold heart. but what if jaemin missed him as much as he did? what if he was messing jaemins mind up unnecessarily by having him overthink? every second was he dying on the inside being overwhelmed by conceptions.

it was until jaemin finally returned to school.
jeno had tried his best during his absence to repair his damaged reputation and it had thankfully gone smoothly. word had spread about jaemins situation at home and jeno had succeeded in making him pitied. he had also convinced mark to let it go.
it was after all the least he could do for jaemin after all damage he had done. yet it still kept slapping him in the face for secreting what he should be more than proud of.
"oh, looks like jaemin is back, huh?" mark closes his cigarette packet after picking one to ignite. they were sat on a windowsill behind the school, peeking into the cafeteria on occasion. "you want one by the way?"
"thanks." jeno looks in for himself as mark lights his cigarette. jaemin was looking so beautiful and he hadnt realised how much he had missed him since now. he was sitting with renjun, donghyuck and two unfamiliar guys on the stands. jeno could sense the youngers sorrow through the walls as he stayed silent whilst watching his friends bicker. jeno could easily tell that the occasional smile jaemin displayed was a smile of dejection. he was endeavoring to not break the window to run and throw himself onto jaemin, to tell him that he was there for him, to tell him that he loved him. to be doing what a good boyfriend would be doing.

"uh, yo, jeno? youve kinda been staring at him for about a good 5 minutes now, you good?" mark snaps him out of his worries. 
"im okay, i just zoned out." he lied. "lets go in, im getting cold."
"sure."
jeno watched mark jump down before giving one last glance and jumping down himself. 

the cafeteria was vaguely full, the benches were taken but a few seats on the stands were empty. jeno couldnt hold himself back.
"i gotta say something to jaemin. can you find somewhere to sit meanwhile?" he asked as a look of perplexity promptly layered over marks face. 
"uh yeah... sure, of course." mark skeptically replied. jeno nodded.
"dont question it, its nothing." he added before heading towards jaemin.
it felt like a teenage love story all over again. him nervously approaching his crush - if only things were so simple yet so exciting. if only, he wouldnt have had to thoughtfully plan all his actions and dwell on the potential consequences of a single error, as he slowly made his way to the stands.

jeno got increasingly concerned for every step he took. jaemin hadnt noticed him yet, but he was sure others had. he probably had hundreds of eyes plastered on him at that moment. he heedfully approached jaemin, trying to not look toward his direction before bumping into his knee. it wasnt forceful nor powerful, but enough to seem real and to make jaemin flinch.
"ow- jeno?" jaemins voice was unstable, as if he was holding back tears. he cleared his throat and looked back up at him. renjun, donghyuck and the two males were glaring at them. jeno had his typical wrathful expression and tedious tone. 
"make way."
the sting in the heart was mutual. jaemin looked away and wordlessly moved his legs.
"oh, by the way," jeno begun with the identical icy tone. jaemin raised his head again. he looked tense. jeno lowered his head and whispered, "bathroom after lunch. floor 5." before turning around and leaving.

jaemin looked as jeno walked away. it was complete silence except for jenos footsteps echoing in his head. his familiar smell of expensive perfume had fastened by the tip of his nose. how he missed having that scent drown him every day. how he missed jeno, the sweet jeno.
"what a fucking ass. god i feel so bad for mark." donghyuck muttered. "are you okay, min?" 
"im fine, he couldve done much worse." jaemin smiled reassuringly, but nobody was convinced except for renjun.
"seriously, what has he done to mark? my boy used to be such an angel, but that fucking entitled, crack dick changed him and turned him to a fucking i dont even know, a fucking monster, much like him!" donghyuck exclaimed, visibly enraged.
jaemin wanted to explain. he wanted to explain so badly that it wasnt jeno, not jenos fault. but simultaneously, he knew that donghyuck had all the rights, everyone burdened by jeno had all the rights to hate him deep to the core.
"hey hey, hyuck, calm down. its not worth it." renjun was quick to conciliate.
"no i just... im so fucking done with his egoistic ass thinking he rules the damn universe, like his blind self fucking walked into jaemin but hes the one whos gotta watch it or else." donghyuck mocked. "or else what? hes going to kill you because he thinks he can fucking escape the system cause his shithole of a father is a psychotic, lunatic serial killer, and somehow suddenly all these ridiculous imbeciles of students got-"
"donghyuck. lower your voice. dont let the anger control you."
"exactly what i fucking mean, injun. hes made a minion out of you without you knowing, stupid, having you spread the propaganda that hes the universes ruler and everyone should fear and obey him, am i right or am i right? think about it." donghyuck rose from his seat and stormed off. renjun cursed under his breath. 
"im sorry. can i have a quick talk with you jaemin? just you, really quick." jaemin nods. "ill see you guys in korean class later." they wave goodbye to chenle and jisung before leaving.

"what are you feeling, jaemin? i swear im having a panic attack soon because i dont know what to do." renjun takes him outside. it had gotten cold over the weeks. winter was approaching soon.
"just play along renjun, its not your responsibility to protect jeno for my sake. i promise you im okay, i totally understand hyuck, but i feel bad if im gonna be the reason for you guys to be arguing. i appreciate you so much renjun, but dont be doing shit against your will for my sake. youre the best friend i could ever ask for."
jaemin almost started to tear up having someone care for him so deeply, someone who wasnt at all ashamed of him.