A Mental Trip

Adulting

I have to be an adult
But I don't know how
Heard school would prepare me
But all my schools failed
I have no life goals
All my goals were having
An adequate grade
Even if I tore myself apart in the process
Even as my happiness fell through
I had to be perfect
I was smart
I AM smart
I tend to use past tense on myself
Either because I feel that I've lost
Or that I already feel so dead
Death couldn't claim me fast enough
Except I hate pain
So self-harm was off the table
So was suicide
Because what if I survived
I never went down easy
I always fought
But I got comfortable in comfort
In not being a person
But being something that was taken care of
Who only wanted a reprieve from wanting death
Or feeling the ones around me
I don't truly know how to
Function
Help me learn
I forget that I have to listen
But I'll figure it out
Or I'll try
I want to be with you
But is that what I need after being so new?
I want to change
I'm scared
I don't know how
I never had a passion
Nothing I wanted to do
Some infatuations
But that's nothing new
Before I died in complacency
I wanted to act
Is that the path for me?
I don't know what to do
Am I backward
Am I broken
Am I wrong
How come everyone can live
But I'm sitting here trying to figure out what living is
Comfort is a menace in disguise
With too much, you'll never want
You'll never have skills
Without it, you never rest
I lacked balance
My mother's sad
Because she KNOWS that she failed me
My father wasn't there
And when he was, he was far from my reach
As I grew, I realized that I aged backward
I was closer to a naive adult as a kid
To a kid as a naive adult
But that can't happen
The world is against me because I'm not white
Because I'm me
I'm scared
I'm scared
But I think I always will be.