A Mental Trip

I am...

I am garbage
I don't mean to
And it's the truth
While simultaneously being a lie
A half truth
I logically know what has to be done
But sitting down and working 
Has proven to make me
Even more sad
I want to get it done 
But I'm scared
I'm somewhat better now
I won't be lying at home
Being sad
Not like I was allowed to 
But even then
I wonder if I should have been 
School
So important 
I want to do better
I want to succeed 
But I don't think I can 
The approval and acceptance I seek
The praise I need
All so very little of me 
To ask for
Acknowledge me
I'm here too
I matter
I may not be the smartest
But I worked hard for what I got
Honorable mentions?
Is that a thing you have?
It's not enough 
Just to have my friends 
Say it 
Somehow it feels empty
Because they love me so
Mommy, Daddy, what about you?
No nods and "cool"

No, "alright"s
I want what you gave him
A warm smile
A hug
A tasty treat
Not a "Try to get an A next year"
I wanted to be a good role model
I wanted my work to be praised
I risked falling apart
To ascend
But when I got there
I wasn't praised
Even if it was expected
Act like it wasn't.
I am still upset over what happened
In 7th grade,
In the last year,
I am upset.
I have been upset
Listen to me
Now I know that I have to
But, I don't feel like
I should
I almost can't
I never want my tears
Staining my work
Working with no goal
Praise is fundamental
Because I don't know where I'm going
I have no reason to continue
Other than to please you
But you haven't seemed pleased
So I stopped
But you're even less pleased
I want to do it for me
But I can't
Because there's no point
If I congratulate myself
Motivate myself
I am not important
But to tell me
That I'm not allowed
to break and be useless for months

When I feel like I need to be
I know things are hard for you
But even so, sometimes
I wonder if you love me
There are times without doubts
And times of clarity
But do you not love me?
That's why you ignore my achievements?
I'm a good oldest sibling right?
I never got mad for you paying more attention to them before this
Like you decided that I don't need any
And I know it's not like that
But I feel like, you're trying to stuff me in a closet
My sexuality you're cool with
See èMy genders you find hard to swallow
I understand
However, please stop
Saying you support me
And disregard my name
Constantly call me a sister
Constantly use she
None of those are me
I am scared
I feel threatened
Like I don't belong
What have we become
Home scares me with no one in it
But hurts when I'm not the only occupant
Please just say something to let me know
That I did good
Anything
Money for existing isn't enough
Money is cold
Indifferent
Just I love you so much
Is your love spread too thin
I care so much
Why go to school
Because you said so
Why go to college
Because you said so
What do I want to do
I don't know

Make a decision
And I'll follow
Always faithful
Always loyal
Needs a watchful eye
Not all the time
But more than I get
Educated is not something that I have become
For me
But for you
Yes I see the value
But I also see me doing it on my own
With things I care about
It was always about you for me
Who did I have if not family
3 years and the people I thought
Friends left me
For them I was happy
But... me I was lonely
You don't pretend not to know
You do
So can you imagine
how important it made you
To me
And I guess I appreciated you too much
Though you may beg to differ
Seeing as I don't do chores
But I did... I still do
Tell me what I want to hear
Need to hear
Show me that I'm important too
You two did this to me
Before when I would be showered with praise
But I'm not little
I'm big and strange and different
But I'm still the same