I am either doing great
Or doing bad
There has been less in-between
Work is either being done constantly
Or not at all
There is no in-between
I either love myself
Or hate myself
There should be an in-between
Am I too intense for my own good?
Do I need to slow down?
Can I slow down without stopping?
If something hurts me I stay away
Too much work has done this
I could have balanced it this year
But I buckled
I cried
I stopped
I went into myself
Yet I continue to act like myself
But not like myself
Not as myself
Discoveries of myself makes it worse
Patience is a virtue I don't have
Breaking seems to be my only pastime.
Can I fix myself?
I've recognized that I need help
But I fear I may not get it in time
Too early
Too late
No in-between
Just like me
Is it my fault I'm breaking?
I know it's my fault if I stay broken.
Trying is so difficult.
Some days I honestly can't do anything.
Telling myself I'm lazy just makes it worse.
It starts it all over again.
The feeling like shit
The feeling of being shit
That I'm not worth shit
And don't deserve any of the good shit I got
This wouldn't be happening if not for me
Maybe if I went to a different school
Where I had no friends
Where I was just coasting through
Never caring
Never being cared for
But that didn't happen
I went to this school
I made these amazing friends
People I realized that I needed my whole life
They filled a hole within me
But I took it too far.
Made them too personal.
I'm dependent on them.
Who can blame me?
I've made good friends before
But these people have crossed into family.
They mean that and so much more to me
Is it possible to feel this much for a group of people?
When one cannot feel this much of anything for themselves except pain?
Happiness is short lived
Empty is perpetual
Except for when I'm with my crew
Do I hurt myself on purpose?
Maybe
But I can't stop
I feel attacked at home because of my impatience
I need to get off my high horse
It's hard to tell when I got on in the first place.
But I need to come to reality.
Was I ever really part of reality?
It just seems to have been going on without me.
No need for me.
Not important to me.
Always there but existing independently.
I'm destructive to myself.
Like this I am my own worst enemy.
My mistake is me and believing in people.
Loving people.
I need it desperately, but I can't function with people.
I can.
Better than others.
But that's impersonal.
Not attached.
Maybe that's how it is with me.
Loneliness is what makes me succeed.
Or else I become complacent.
Lonely?
Is that what I am?
I feel like a mistake.
That I shouldn't have been made.
Because I don't see the value in me tearing myself apart.
I am my own worst enemy.
And my best friend.
I need to find an in-between, but does it even exist for me?
YOU ARE READING
A Mental Trip
ПоэзияThe poems of a depressed nonbinary POC throughout high school, into college, and through first loves and toxic relationships. Hopefully, this shows people that they are not alone in their pain and that there can be something better on the other si...