A Mental Trip

Another

I never thought it was possible                      
To care for another so much
Another who wasn't blood
Another who wasn't taken in
But another that had me
Raptured
Captured
In their eyes
Honest most times
With pain concealed
You took me by surprise
And you took me by accident
But you took me all the same
My heart that craves for you
Everything of you
Your joy
Your pain
Your problems
Your likes
Your dislikes
Your touch
Your gaze
Your voice
You
All of you
And yet I can't have it
Because
Even though you took me
I didn't take you
Some other did
Some other who is nice
Some other who has style
Some other who was born male
Not me
Not my gender fluid
Demisexual
Demipanromantic
Polyamorous
Fuck up
Self
Some other
Who seems to be more together
Some other who still fucks up
But looks cute
Who fucks up and doesn't get a facepalm
Or an annoyed look
Some other who doesn't accidentally hurt them with words
Some other that can think before they speak
A skill I have failed time and time again to perfect
A skill that lets you spare others from pain
From the truth
Some other has a job
A working man
With an income
Some other plays tennis
A sport that has rules
Unlike mine where you just run
Some other is Asian
Some other is tall
Some other is really nice
So I can't hate Some other at all
So I hate myself instead
Some other won't see you the way you see him
But Some other is really nice
So you hate yourself instead.
I wish Some other were me
So that you could look at me the way you look at him
I wish I could improve your mood just by saying hi like Some other can do for you
But I'm not Some other
I'm me
But Some other doesn't love you
I do
You love me too
But not the same
You say you're forever alone
But you have me
You say you'll never be loved
But I love you
You tell me how painful your feelings for Some other are for you because I'm your best friend
But my love for you is painful too
You have an eating disorder
You have body issues
You can't see how truly amazing you are
But can you let me show you?
I've seen your flaws
I've seen you vulnerable
We've fused more times than I can count
I know you inside and out
But I can only love you
And be your friend
Which is why I didn't ask you out when I confessed
Because I know you
I know how you act towards the one you love
And you don't act that way around me
I knew you'd reject me
Before you rejected me
But even so
It didn't hurt any less
We both spoke and then never brought it up again
We were supposed to talk about it
But we never did
And knowing you
I had to take initiative
No rolling for it here
I was born with a natural 20
But I couldn't face you
I couldn't watch those dots
That showed you were typing
I couldn't even start
So I made a voice recording
To tell you what I wanted to say
In the process I made a song
Just for you
About us
About me
About what I want us to be
About what I'd do for you
About how we are now
About how your walls that I broke so effortlessly came back up when I was around
I didn't want to be awake for your reaction but you saw it and we talked
And I cried.
I'm still crying
We cleared some things up
But it's not enough
There's nothing either of us can do
Because I love you
But you don't love me too