A Mental Trip

A Letter

I had a dream that I called you
But I couldn't tell 
It felt so real
I was so confused
I thought it was an accident 
And laid back down to slumber
When you called me back
I was surprised that it was real
That I actually accidentally 
Called you
and that you called back
you were singing 
When you answered
And slurring 
And your voice was forceful
And gravely 
You were drunk
I was instantly concerned 
The last I saw you
Your daughter was there
You don't do anything 
When she's in your care
But then I woke up
And realized it was all in my head
I wasn't sure to be relieved or worried
Because it felt like a normal dream
But it came like a premonition
I normally don't remember 
My premonitions until it happens
So this is rare
I think you'd be happy to know that I'm coming into myself again
My power that felt stripped from me has been slowly returning
My intuition is always there
My mind was just clouded by hormones
You know how crushing expectations can feel
I'm trying not to be crushed by them here
But I've decided that I'm going 
To voice the despair that
All of their expectations 
Gave me

The grief I put myself through
Because of it
And that everytime
I try to heal and grow,
I hesitate
Because of their expectations
And I believe
That happened with us as well
Every growth is different
Every journey happens
At their own pace
I was trying to match a pace that
I did not yet understand
I put pressure on myself
And blamed myself
As you blame yourself
And me
I can no longer have a talk
About what I can be capable of
If I love myself and truly try
But this is what my trying
Looks like
Taking it a step at a time
Being kind to myself
Forgiving myself
I had originally forgave myself
For the unfortunate way
We started,
but you never did
And you need to
It wasn't all me
It wasn't all you
It wasn't all them
At this moment we just weren't
Kind to ourselves
If we aren't kind to ourselves
We have trouble
being kind to others
Now I understand
That I do in fact love myself
But I'm still learning to be kind
I'm just bad at being asked
Things on the spot

Especially when I'm being spoken
To in a way that makes me doubt
Myself.
I like to sing and dance
I like to draw and play games
I like cute things
I know what I'm proud of
Getting to the art museum
Without Google Maps
Making people smile
Graduating High School
Being alive
Eating good food
Not hating everything
When I wake up in the morning
I don't want to be your project
Yes I am broken
But I like my cracks and scars
My flaws that are annoying
But will work to overcome
Don't speak with layers
Say what you mean the 1st time
I think you forget that I'm actually shy
Leaving me
Didn't make you feel better
Until recently
You've stood by me
When everyone solely blamed me
Until you blamed me
I know you spoke your mind that night
in a drunken stupor
when you almost drank that whole bottle
on your lonesome
That you were feeling regret
That you still are feeling regret