1. shimmer (a taylor swift au)

-chapter seventeen-

Taylor didn't know how long the two of them were sitting in the closet for, all she knew was that poor Ellie was beside herself. She hadn't actually seen the kid like this since that very first day.
"Is it the president that says that we have to give my parents another chance?" Ellie sniffled, her head still on Taylor's chest. Taylor's legs had long since fallen asleep, but she was happy right where she was - she wasn't going anywhere.
Taylor smiled. "I don't know if it's the president, but I think that it's the biiiggg list of laws and rules that we've got to follow so that we're good people." Taylor paused. "Are you feeling better?"
Ellie shook her head. "No." She clasped her arms around Taylor as tight as she could, and Taylor squeezed her tight.
"I've got an idea," Taylor smiled. "Have you ever seen Me, Eloise on tv?"
Ellie shook her head. "She's got my name?"
"She sure does and she lives at the plaza! What do you say we snuggle on the couch in our pyjamas and we watch it? I'll order some food for lunch and we can just take today to have a pyjama day."

It was abundantly clear that Ellie didn't want Taylor out of her sight. Ellie wanted to hold her hand at all times, and it took a lot of encouraging for Taylor to be able to get her into pyjamas. It was upsetting to her, how much this had knocked Ellie back. She'd been so good, she'd even had a night where she didn't have to wake up screaming from the nightmares. Ellie had even talked about being able to take a shower, but all of that had unraveled. Taylor wasn't mad at her, it wasn't Ellie's fault. She was mad at the system. Mad that her parents got to attempt to get things back on track, when they'd fucked up so badly the first time. Taylor was all about believing that people should get second chances - but not at something like this. Not when they'd crushed Ellie's heart and soul.

Ellie didn't want to let Taylor out of her sight out of fear that people were going to take her away. Shove her back into that house where her room was only a mattress on the floor and a cold wardrobe with paper flowers hidden behind her jacket. Where the wooden floor burnt her skin in winter, where she was left for days on end and had to sort herself out. Where she'd live off of whatever she could find in the cupboards and avoiding all the little packets of coke and some green stuff that her daddy smoked while he watched tv. Where half the time the electricity wasn't working properly, and the water was never hot because they didn't pay the bills. Where the curtains were ripped and the bedsheets stained, where Ellie was not loved or cherished or cuddled at all.

She was frightened of the fact that if she let go of Taylor's hand, this life that she loved so much would slip through her fingertips and be gone forever. If there was one thing that Ellie wanted the most in the entire world, it was to live with Taylor together. Taylor, with her long blonde hair, her blue eyes and her laugh that rang through the hallway. Taylor, who snuggled her into bed with the electric blanket on if Ellie said she was cold. Who would always have a glass of water on the nightstand in case she woke up thirsty. Who would sit with her in the closet for hours and hours because she needed to feel safe. Taylor, who was teaching her to play the guitar, and the piano. Ellie mostly enjoyed watching Taylor play, enjoyed watching her come up with little melodies in her head and turn them into music. Taylor, who's house was always warm, the sheets always smelt like lavender, and the cats who wanted to give her cuddles every moment of every day. Taylor, who let her come on tour with her, who let her dance and sing, and celebrate Mother's Day. Taylor, who always had breakfast made for her, who always had snacks and cookies. She didn't want to let go of her hand, just in case it all vanished before her eyes. Just in case this was all a dream, just in case her favourite grownup disintegrated in front of her.
"Taylor," Ellie murmured as Taylor was getting her pyjamas out of the draws in her room. "Why don't I get to choose whether I stay with you or go back to my parents?"

The question hurt Taylor more than words could describe. How was she supposed to make an eight year old understand why, by law, Taylor was supposed to encourage Ellie's reunification with her birth parents? How was she supposed to explain that Kate was supposed to encourage it too? They were all just such big things for an eight year old to think about, and Taylor wasn't sure that she had the words she needed to explain it.
"I think it's because a lot of people think that it's important for a kid to grow up in their own family... and that they didn't want to split up parents and their children." She spoke slowly. "And as a grownup, I am supposed to encourage that."
Ellie glanced up at her, her eyes sad. "But you don't want that, do you?"
Taylor knew that this conversation was not supposed to be happening right now, that this wasn't the sort of information that Ellie was supposed to know about, but she couldn't leave it.
Taylor shook her head. "No." She paused. "No, I don't. But I'm not supposed to think that, Ellie."
"Well, I'm glad that you think that, Taylor," Ellie whispered. "Even if you're not allowed to say that."