1. shimmer (a taylor swift au)

-chapter fifteen-

Joe Alwyn. It was his number, she was sure of it. It burned into her mind, she'd memorised it all those years ago.
Taylor called into the room. Andrea and Scott were making their way into a room adjacent to them.
"Mom?" Taylor asked, "I'm sorry, I know it's late, but could you guys just watch Ellie for a few minutes while I take this call?"

She'd already debated whether or not to take it, but she wanted to hear what she had to say. She suspected she knew exactly what he was going to say - but she wanted closure. They'd ended so peacefully that she couldn't help but need to sort of closure that would likely come from this conversation. She'd barely brought anything up in their final conversation... and she was different now. She wouldn't hesitate to call him out.
"Of course we can," Andrea nodded. "You can take it in our room if you like. Is everything okay?"
Taylor nodded. "Yeah, thanks. I shouldn't be too long."
"No rush, sweetpea." Her dad told her. "I quite like having an excuse to watch Bluey." He chuckled.

By the time she'd told Ellie about the phone call and walked across to her parents room, her phone had stopped ringing, only to start back up again a few minutes later. Still the same number. She was still almost one hundred percent sure that it was Joe.
"Hello," she answered confidently. There was anger and hurt beneath the surface.
"What the fuck, Taylor." Sure enough, Joe's voice rang through her ear. She hadn't heard his voice in months - hadn't heard it in so long that it winded her. Their phone line, their life line had gone cold and it was painful to reopen the wound that had healed so nicely. Of course, she was over him. She was over their relationship and she'd moved on. But there was something about hearing his voice after cutting all the ties with him... that still hit her deep. Hearing him say those words, with a fire in his voice that she'd only heard a couple of times made her mad.
"What?" She threw up her walls, defensive. "You're just going to phone up and be like that? What's the point? I didn't want contact," she fought back. "We agreed no contact, Joe."

There was a stagnant silence and it made Taylor shiver. Their goodbye had been bittersweet, but she'd had a few months to think about it. About all the reasons she left, about all the things that he did to make her cold. The ghosts in the closet, the monsters under the bed. Sometimes it isn't until you're out of the situation that you can see through the haze. And she'd seen through it - of course she had. She'd seen right through to the bone, to the core.
"You said you didn't fucking want kids."
Taylor sunk down to her knees, because she expected this. She'd anticipated this. She knew he'd be mad at this - because she had always preached that kids weren't for her. That she didn't want to be a mom, that it wasn't on the table for her. She knew it would hurt him, but that was irrelevant now.
"Say something," Joe said bitterly.
"What do you want me to say?" She exclaimed. "How dare you fucking call me up after all this time just to do this? Seriously, Joe."
"How dare I?" He gave a cold laugh. "You're the one who fucking preached about your career and not being able to have the best of both worlds and here you are, parading around on stage telling the world you're a mother. Where did this kid come from? You told me that we wanted different things. You told me that you didn't want to be a mother. You said you couldn't stand the thought of staying at home all day every day with a kid."
"I know that's what I fucking told you. I remember the conversations we had about it. How could I forget?" Taylor's hands were shaking. "I don't have to tell you anything. It's none of your business."
"So what, you wanted kids but not with me? Is that what it is?"
"That's not how it was and you know that," she spoke bitterly. "But you also know that we were at breaking point by the time it ended. You know that we could barely be in the same room as one another until we decided to end it and the relief of it meant we could talk to each other again. We ended things in a good way, Joe. Don't ruin that."
"I don't understand."
"I know you don't." She sighed. "But you don't get to phone up every single time I do something that I didn't do with you. Besides, how did you even find out about it?" She couldn't help herself. She wanted to know if he was curious about her, whether he'd googled it, whether he'd searched it up. Whether the tour was something he couldn't run from.
"Because I can't fucking get away from it. The tour is everywhere. Videos of it are everywhere. And not to mention the hate I am getting from your fans. That's all I hear. I open up Instagram and there it is. Of course I'm going to hear about you telling the world that you're a mother. It's fucking everywhere. I think I deserved to know that's the path you were heading down. I think you should have said 'hey Joe, we're breaking up but you know, I've decided I want kids but not with you.'"
"Hang on a second," Taylor scoffed. "You think you deserve to know? And what makes you say that? You deserve to know because we dated?" She have a cold laugh. "Seriously, is that what you think?"
"It was more than that and you know that." Joe murmured.
"Yeah, and then you went cold." All signs of their somewhat amiable breakup was gone. "You fucking left me there and you did absolutely nothing."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No! Our relationship stole every fucking inch of myself that I had, and you were too wrapped up in yourself to notice it. So no, I didn't want kids with you because I was too busy surviving every single fucking day in our house."
Taylor could feel it disintegrating around her, the memories turning cold. What once had been a home, was now just four walls and a door.
"That's not... it wasn't like that."
"How would you know?"
"Why did you fucking insist on Sweet Nothing going on the album then? Why did you insist on releasing that to the world?"
"Because that was back when I thought we could salvage what was left of us. I thought that we'd be able to get through anything. I wanted us to get through everything." Taylor's face was tear stained, all of the pain suddenly resurfacing and painting her gray. "Because I didn't think that it would be the end of us. But I was wrong."
She knew that Joe would be pacing around his living room, knew he'd be pacing with his hands in his hair. Knew there'd be a cup of cold coffee on the table, knew he'd be rolling his eyes. She hated the fact that she knew all of those things.
"So you're blaming this all on me?"
"Why are we even having this conversation?" Taylor asked. "We ended this months ago, Joe. What is this achieving?"
"When this ended, we were both on our best behaviour. This is different. I want to know why all of a sudden, I'm the villain. I want to know why you would not even consider having a child with me, and the moment we break up... you find a kid out of thin air."
Taylor shook her head. "You're not the villain, and I've never said that you were."
"That's how you're making it sound. That I just ignored you for months on end."
"That's what it felt like." Taylor whispered so quietly that she didn't even know if he'd hear anything but a breath. "I sent you so many signs and signals, but you didn't see any of them. And I didn't find a kid out of thin air, actually."
"How am I supposed to read into things that aren't there?"
"They were there, Joe. You can't tell me that you didn't notice what I was like towards the end."
"I didn't phone you up to talk about this."
"You phoned me out of anger. You phoned me because you felt slighted by me, felt like I was letting the side down by going ahead and living a great fucking life without you. Yes, I am a mother now but it is absolutely none of your business. How it happened or what it means or why I am or any of those details that you thought phoning me up was going to achieve... it is absolutely of no concern to you. When I needed you, you weren't fucking there. So I don't know what would make you think I'd want you here now."
"You're hitting real low, Taylor."
"What else did you expect? That you'd phone me up and I'd realise I wanted kids with you? That I wouldn't be angry? I loved you and all I wanted was for us to be able to fix the broken parts of us but I tried one too many times and the storms got too wild. I got tired of trying to fix us."
"Stop speaking in lyrics," he grumbled. "You know, you were like a ghost. I couldn't get through to you no matter how hard I tried. I tried and I tried and I fucking tried to fix this - to fix us. But nothing worked."
"We were both trying. I'm hanging up the phone. I just got back from performing for three hours and I don't want to have this conversation anymore."
"Taylor," Joes breath seemed to catch in his throat, like he didn't want the conversation to end. Like even though they were mad at each other, they didn't want this to be the last time. "I just don't understand how you always argued that kids weren't in the cards for you."
"I know you don't understand, Joe. I know you don't. But having kids wasn't in the cards for me," Taylor told him. "But it was breaking up with you that led me to her. Joe, I never would have wanted kids. Not with you, not with anyone. If fate hadn't played out just right, I never would have had a kid. But it did, and here I am. And besides, you never wanted to get married to me. So I'm not the only one who didn't want things out of life."
"We talked about that-"
"But did you ever listen?" She spoke loudly, spoke as if she had to get all of her feelings out in one go. This might very well be the last time she had to explain it all and she had to get that closure. "You didn't listen to what I was fucking saying. All I ever wanted was for you to see me but by the end of it... it was like I wasn't even there anymore."
"Maybe I couldn't see you because you are a pathological people pleaser and you change yourself around every single fucking person you meet, in every room you enter. Did I ever really know you? Did you let me see you? You wanted me to see you but I don't even think you knew which part you wanted me to see."
Taylor had to pull the phone away from her ear for a moment, because this felt like the final blow.
"Well," Taylor sighed. "I have a child to go and tuck into bed with a lullaby, Joe."
"I guess I'll keep an ear out for my song then," he answered coldly.
"Well, if you'd been a little less angry tonight, then maybe you never would have had a fucking song about you. So yeah, keep an ear out for it. You'll know it when you hear it. Maybe for once you'll actually listen."