1. shimmer (a taylor swift au)

-chapter twenty five-

Taylor stared up at the ceiling, with Wendy clutched tightly against her chest, and the half of the locket in her hand. This was the worst she'd ever felt in her entire fucking life. She'd been through a lot, but this was by far the most soul crushing one of them all. She knew she'd been through a number of shitty things in her life, and sometimes she found herself wondering why some people barely seem to have anything go wrong at all.

It had been a few hours since Ellie had walked out of the apartment. Taylor hadn't been able to sleep, even though she knew she had to get some sleep before tonight. How could she? The bed was empty, the other side of it cold... and the thought of Ellie sleeping all alone made her sob. The last time she'd been here, in Kansas City... Ellie had been with her. Ellie had been here, in this hotel room. She'd never felt so far away from the little girl. Not even when she was in London filming the music video. Not even then. It felt like a part of her was missing.

Had Ellie's parents shown their true colours the moment Kate had left? Had Kate just ignored all of the fucking signs? The moment the doors were closed and the paperwork done? What if Ellie was hurt? What if she was bleeding or aching or cold or hurting or crying or... so many things could be unfolding right now. What if her tummy was sore? What if she was... Taylor didn't allow herself to finish the sentence.

She was worrying like a Mom, worrying so intensely that she was beginning to think she'd never be happy ever again. She was a worrier and she got that from her Mom. Until things were right again and Ellie was in her arms... all she would do was worry. And plan her revenge on the Child Protective Services for allowing Ellie to return home to a dangerous home. She'd stop at nothing to make sure that they were taken to court. Because she was sure that whatever they'd done to prove that the child's parents were "better" was a hoax. And they'd never, not once, asked Ellie about it.

Gracie was in the room beside hers, but Taylor hadn't felt this alone in months. Even the night after Joe had left. She'd lived with him for years and they'd been together for years, but still, this was by far the most numb she'd ever felt. Nothing compared to how this moment had unfolded, knowing that the kid that she wanted to be hers... was far, far away. It was heartbreaking. Was Ellie okay? She'd be in bed all alone, in a haunted house. A place where she'd been made to feel small and insignificant her entire life. A place where she was not safe, a place where she was not cherished or loved. Taylor rolled over once more, before giving up on sleeping. It was too bright. How the fuck could the sun be shining today? It was impossible.

Sitting up in bed, Taylor groaned. This was by far, the worst she'd ever felt. This was awful. She felt like she was hungover, without the alcohol. She felt like her heart was falling out of her chest. Felt as if the world should have stopped moving by now, because her world sure had stopped. It had stopped spinning, turned on its axis and her moon had exploded into dust and smoke. Her world was cold and desolate and frozen.
Ellie loved Frozen. Anna was her favourite.
She'd thought her break up with Joe was awful, that she'd never be that hurt ever again. But she was so wrong. This was unlike anything she'd ever been through before. She'd thought she'd loved Joe the most you could love a person. She was wrong. Ellie was like her little person, her soulmate.

This was just unbearable, and it was the sort of thing that she didn't even think that lyrics could describe. Reaching over and grabbing her phone off the nightstand, Taylor sighed when she realised it was only ten minutes until two, and she still had ages to occupy until she'd climb on the stage and at least be distracted. Not that there'd be anything that could possibly fill the void in her chest.

With this, she climbed out of bed and put on her silk summer robe - the one that she'd always find Ellie wearing as she danced on the bed. Sliding into her cat slippers, she abandoned the idea of sleep. Sure, she'd been awake all of last night.
Honestly, she wasn't tired. She felt like she could never, ever sleep again. Not if Ellie wasn't with her.