Justin Trudeau Investigation Case: One-Way Ticket To Pluto

ACT II: Chapter Six - For Whom The Bell Tolls

Planet Rimworld,

Milton Colony,

14. Aprimay 5502.

Day 77 on Rimworld

"I see that you are already asking yourself, how did we come to the church, and why are there so many of us? You're probably wondering how we got to this point, and why do we carry guns with us when we go to church? Those are some very good questions, and now I'm going to tell you how this situation came about, because of which we had to build a church and roleplay as a racist, and homophobic Kentucky church."

It was a normal day, the day after I got drunk after Marriott's sex with an unknown man named Commander O'Neill, coming* with his Boston ketamine mafia, and his invisible condom. I couldn't digest that information so sober, so I got drunk and fell somewhere in the fridge, sleeping for three full hours. Then I also got the flu, as well as moderate hypothermia, which destroyed my nose, caused by major nose frostbite. I can not breathe.

Then a special type of merchant caravan came to visit, actually, they weren't merchants at all, but imperial collectors of gifts to the Empire. I talked to Dei about this, and she explained that about twice a year they tour all the colonies, and offer everyone the opportunity to buy honor with them if they have slaves, prisoners, or gold to sell. I was in this kind of style: "Holy fuck, Jose... I think I have a perfect idea," and Jose said, "I hope you don't think what I think you're thinking."

Then we dragged Raúl out of his bedroom, while José immediately began trading with the Imperial gift collector. As Dei explained, the only things they wanted were prisoners, slaves, and gold, and we, quite coincidentally, had one commodity ready to sell. I honestly wanted him to be my human vacuum cleaner and pick up the trash around, but I think there are too many of us for that kind of work.

Convinced that he would find a better fortune as a slave there, Raúl almost surrendered himself to the imperial merchants, and José in return received three honors that would come in handy if he lacked one or two for his next title - Knight. On that occasion, some idea came to my crazy head, in the south of the colony, there were a whole lot of muffalos, of all sexes, of all heights, of all ages, and of all sizes. I wanted to tame a larger one so that we could have another animal in addition to Director Greitfen that would produce the same amount of wool in a one-quadrum period.

I headed towards the south of the colony, and really, the muffalos are standing there, brushing that grass, and looking at me like a cow with a dead calf.** I had some potatoes, rice, and meat in reserve, and I will start taming that muffalo. Then a surprise happened: I made it on the first try, I've never been more proud of myself in my life. I tied the muffalo with a rope around his neck and led him towards the pen when I came upon a horrifying sight.

Almost naked, Jose and Meyer jumped at each other, trying to get into their room. I don't know who was up and who was down, but knowing Jose, and the size of the human being in Meyer's, I'd say I know very well who could be down, and that someone would be turned into a pancake if that happened.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" I asked them, as the muffalo stood there, wagging his tongue, for some fucking reason.

"Uhhhhhh...." Jose began but couldn't come up with a good enough explanation for the sight I could see.

"Don't try to lie Jose. I can already see how Meyer will bite you like a sugar apple.''

"I can explain..." He continued his defensiveness, but it wasn't working for him.

"No, you cannot explain, there is too much evidence against you, and too much evidence against you, or rather, lack of evidence speaks more than excess."