The Past Can't Be Forgotten. (All Time Low fanfic)

I Wanna Be An Inspiration.

It had been a while since I felt that nice feeling of adrenaline rushing through my entire body. It felt so right at the moment. The crowd was amazing. Somehow, the way they were reacting was giving me hope. As if, maybe, I could do something right in my life. 

"Do you guys mind if we slow it down for a moment?" I asked. "I do!" This guy was driving me crazy sometimes. "Jack. I don't fucking care what you want, you fat fuck." I answered.

"You seriously need to learn how to truly swear. You are ridiculous," Jack laughed.

"Great. Now go away so I can keep the show going. What was I saying? Oh right. This next song goes out to anybody who has ever been told that the way they think or the way they feel is the wrong way to feel or the wrong way to think. Anybody that has felt betrayed by their friends or their family. Always be yourself, no matter what. Be yourself and fuck everything else. This next song's called Therapy and goes a lot like this." I started playing the song and then I let the lyrics roll on my tongue. This was one of the toughest parts of the show to me. This song kind of reminded me everything that I'd been through.  

As I could feel the tears in my eyes, ready to fall down my cheeks, Rian joined me by playing the drums. Zack and Jack soon enough joined too with their bass and guitar. The crowd was singing along. I never thought I could feel this way. I never thought that hearing thousands of people singing along to Therapy could give me so much strength. At this very moment, I knew that I was blessed. All these people were my friends, they cared and in return, I cared about them. I just wanted to be admired for who I was and what I did. And right then, it was happening. 

"Therapy, you were never a friend to me, and you can choke on your misery." I took a deep breath to make the tears disappear. 

Two more songs were played and we had to leave the stage. I had to let all these great people down.

"Thank you all for coming and hanging with us tonight. It was an amazing night! I really hope you enjoyed the show! We'll see you next time, we love you all, thank you!" I screamed through the mic and then ran off stage, the guys close behind me.

-later that night-

I really didn't feel like partying tonight. I didn't know by which miracle the guys understood it, but they did. Tonight was the last one in Baltimore for over three months and honestly, all I needed was to feel her next to me. 

Jen and I were living in the same house before she died. After that dramatic day, I had put all her stuff together in a room. That's where I was sitting tonight. I actually hadn't been much in that room. Only three or four times in two years. It was both emotionally draining and relieving to be this close to her. But it was still better to be in this to rather than in front of a grave.

Slowly, I dragged my hands over every single thing she had. In a box laid something I hadn't taken the time to really look at before. There was a kind of diary with letters in it. Somehow it seemed to attract me. I just couldn't seem to resist. I had to open it and read the secrets that were written all over those pages. I needed to feel her once again. I sighed before opening the little book. 

"Dear whoever I'm talking to right now. (Because I can't be talking to a diary, right?!) There is so much darkness around me lately. It's literally suffocating me. I wish I could run away and not detroy everything I have here. I know for sure it would break Alex if I gave up and I don't want him to turn into the shadow of himself. I don't want Jack, Rian and Zack to worry about his life because of me. He is all I have. But he also is the reason I feel down most of the time. I can't stand when we argue, it breaks my heart everytime.
   Today, we got into a fight. He was telling me to get help. He told me I didn't deserve to be this depressed. And all I did was screaming at him. I truly deserve all I'm living. I mean, my parents hate me, they can't even see me without shouting. I've probably done something to make them react the way they do. 
   Alex always did and still does everything he can to make me feel better and I spend every single day poushing him away. I hate it. I hate loving him too much to be around him. I mean, who would like being seen with someone like me? I have scars all over my body, I can't look at people in the eyes, I can barely speak. I just want it all to be over. I want to be free and healthy again. I want to make Alex proud of me. I want to deserve him." 

I remembered that day. I had been so angry that I'd run out of the house and walked around for an hour. When I came home, I went to our room and found her crying in our bed. She didn't have any new cut or anything. I told her I was sorry and I knew it wasn't so easy to get better. I told her I would love her no matter what. We stayed there hugging each other for hours. And now, all I can embrace is the thought of her. 

"ALEYYYYX! Come with us get some fun!" Just so everybody knew, Jack was already drunk. 

I got downstairs before Jack could think of coming to find me. 

"Ya really needa come. If you saw the girls you'd be on ya knees bro." 

I had promised myself I wouldn't get drunk anymore. But right then, after reading what Jen thought, I needed to bring back the old Alex. The one who got wasted faster than everybody else. Two years of denial was long enough. 

I just hoped I wasn't going to regret it.