The Past Can't Be Forgotten. (All Time Low fanfic)

Mistakes.

(Back to Alex POV)

Sometimes, your mind got overwhelmed. It was making me think of all the things I'd ever done in my life. It made me notice that I wasn't the kindest guy to have ever lived on earth. Everytime I was in a bad mood, I was putting it on someone else's shoulder. I hated myself for that.

One more.

When someone needed me, I wasn't there. I remembered all the times when Jack called, telling me his father was drunk and he was scared. I could never make him feel better. I just couldn't seem to find the words. And I hated that about me.

Another one.

You know, in those moments, I didn't think anyone could think straight. All I really knew was that I had felt numb in my left arm for a while now. And that I was probably victim of my own head, stuck in there all alone. And it wasn't the best thing on earth, to be honest. Because even if you wanted to, you couldn't even escape your demons. They were everywhere. They were you.

Breathe. I tried to, but it was like my lungs didn't want to. Silent tears fell on my cheeks as I realized how pathetic I was. Why was I even still alive? I hated myself for hiding my pain to my friends, but I hated more the 'being depressed' thing.

Two more cuts entered my collection.

Another thing I couldn't stand about myself was the cuts and scars all over my body. I hated that. I hated the lack of control that I had, the low self esteem and the lack of confidence. I hated to be so weak.

I was about to cut again when his voice stopped me.

"Alex!"

The razor fell from my hand to the floor, my body begining to shake as I could hear him getting closer. Please, tell me he's just going to ignore me and go away. I've been nothing but mean to him, why would he even care?

I soon felt his hand on my shoulder and he sat right next to me.

"Come home, please." He whispered.

I couldn't do that. I didn't deserve that 'home'. I was tired of trying without succeeding. I was tired of hurting everybody around me.

Tom, Jen, I was so sorry. I promised I would stay as strong as I could. But I had reached my limits. At some point, I had to break. And right then was the most I could handle.

"Alex. We can talk about it. You know I won't judge you. Neither will Zack and Rian. Come home, please.."

How was I supposed to say everything to Jack? How could I admit how fucked up I truly was to him? I couldn't show him how bad the past was haunting me. I couldn't show him that I was really broken. I...

The tears fell even more at all these thoughts. But Jack's arms snaked around my knees and my waist. He carried me home while all I could do was cry. 

'You're too fat to be carried by this poor Jack. Stand up and walk away. You don't deserve him' my inner self told me. 

I screamed and Jack almost made me fall. But he kept on going as if nothing had happened.

"You'll be fine Alex. Trust me, you will be just fine."

I could tell by his voice that he was tired and hurting from walking with me in his arms. And that made me feel even worse.

"I-I can.. I can walk" I barely whispered.

"I can't risk losing you."

We got home, Jack put me on my bed and started to clean my cuts. It didn't even hurt. All this time we stayed silent. He then climbed under the sheets and cuddled me. I couldn't stop myself from hugging him so much it would probably soon kill him.

The last sentence he said was haunting me. The looks on Rian and Zack's faces when they saw Jack were on my mind too. They seemed so sad. And all of that sadness was because of me.

"I know I haven't been the most understanding guy ever Alex, but you really need to tell us when you feel so bad. I-I can't lose you. We can't. I really want you to feel better. I want you to be happy, and I would do anything to make you feel good again."

"I'm so sorry, Jack..."