The Past Can't Be Forgotten. (All Time Low fanfic)

I can't drown my demons : they know how to swim.

"God, I swear I will break this door if you don't open it! You've already done this yesterday Alex. Open the fucking door!"

"No!" I screamed back.

"You promised Alex..."

It was just a whisper but I heard it. It made me feel sick. I couldn't even keep the only promise I made to my best friend.

"I-I can't Jack... I don't want to hurt you again."

"This is hurting me."

"I'm so sorry..." I said, trying to hold back the tears coming to my eyes.

"I don't care! We're to the point where your 'sorry's aren't enough anymore Alex! I don't give a shit you're sorry! What does it change, uh? Open the fucking door now!

"I fucking hit you yesterday!" I shouted, the tears now rolling on my cheeks. "How can you still want to see me?" I sobbed.

I had no idea what was happening to me. All I knew was that my life had become a living hell, and I really didn't want to be here anymore. I got angry so easily, and violent, and I didn't want my friends to go through it when I could just stay alone, where I could hurt no one but me.

"You punched me, so what? I see you're worse than ever, Alex, I don't care if you have to punch me a hundred times to feel better, I'd deal with it. You can't just sit in your room all day long and... And..." Jack took a deep breath. "I saw your arms, Alex. Come on, you're better than that."

"You don't understand... They're everywhere. I keep on replaying the past over and over again, and it keeps haunting me day after day, night after night. I can't, I-"

There we were again. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking more than it was acceptable. I hated myself so much for causing such troubles, scenes and everything. I hated myself just for being alive.

"I've known you for so many years. I know you can sort things out. I know you can leave all the pain behind. But I also know that you need someone to help you, because you think you're not strong enough to beat it alone, which isn't true, but you don't want to ask for help. You're the strongest person I know, Alex. Let me in, please."

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"THEN OPEN THE DOOR!"

I hated the fact that I couldn't stop crying. Was it all really worth the pain? Was life worth feeling like this everyday? It sure wasn't. These thoughts made me cry harder, because I knew how it felt like to lose someone that way. I knew how bad it would hurt Jack and the guys.

Slowly, I got up and opened the door, looking at the floor as my tears fell on it.

"Just make it stop..." I barely whispered before falling on my knees.

Everybody said there was always hope, there was always a way out. Thing was, sometimes you were so deep in your darkness that you didn't think there was anything left. So you gave up because, in your mind, there was nothing to fight for.

Truth was, you could be hopeless and not want to change that. Even hell could get comfortable once you'd settled in. Sometimes, you were so used to the pain that you didn't feel it. And then you wondered if you were living or just existing. And the answer didn't surprise you because you had known it for so long without wanting to admit it. You were on earth, feeling nothing at all, enjoying almost nothing : you were existing, victim of the life you could've chosen but thought wasn't worth it.

I knew we all had our demons to fight. I just didn't know how we could win when we didn't see the point of fighting anymore.

And because of that, for the first time in my entire life, I couldn't believe Jack when he said that everything was going to be alright, and his arms weren't making me feel better either. Because I perfectly knew it wasn't going to be even close to okay.