Made For You - Stray Kids x original character

There are no stars in seoul

TW: miscarriage, hinting at suicidal ideation

It was too late and I couldn't sleep. Of course I couldn't sleep. Even with the meds in me I was far to awake. Two things were once again brought to the forefront of my mind, life just isn't fair and I'm a fucking idiot.

I needed to get out of this room. The guys had found ways to fall asleep in the hospital room, they had all firmly refused to leave. Jeongin was still in the tiny shitty hospital bed with me. He had me so carefully and delicately cradled to his chest. I felt sick. I could see it right on the side of his neck, by his ear, my name. I was overwhelmed. I knew if I moved it was gonna hurt, so bad, but I couldn't stay there. I wiggled out of his arms slowly, taking labored breaths so I didn't make any noise. I replaced my presence with a pillow for him to hold.

I wandered until I found the roof access. I don't think it was supposed to be unlocked, and I for sure would get in trouble if anyone found me up here. The cold air wrapped around me like a blanket, there was a light breeze. I stared off the edge for a good thirty seconds before my eyes traveled up to the sky. It's Seoul, there are no stars to be seen, but my eyes stayed on the sky. I very carefully sat down.

I don't know how long I was up there before I heard the door open. I didn't say anything, or move. If they wanted me to leave they would have to say something.

"What are you looking at?"

Han jisungs voice surprised me a bit, I hadn't expected one of them to come looking for me yet, "the stars."

I heard him walk closer, "baby, we are in Seoul, there are no stars..."

A tear tracked its way down my cheek, "please, let me pretend there are stars."

He sat down behind me, pulling my back to his chest. He rested his face in the side of my neck, "of course..." he rubbed my arms softly, "we will take you somewhere with real stars as soon as you are better."

I was fully crying by now, but I was still unable to look away from the dark sky, "how did you find me?"

I felt wetness on my neck, he was crying too, "this is where I would go if..." he shook his head, "I was worried that you might..."

I laughed softly, it stung my ribs, "I thought about it, briefly."

He came to sit in front of me, making me look at him, "you must never think about it again. If not for your own sake, for us."

I reached out and touched his face, "that goes for you too then, baby."

He leaned into my palm, "okay..."

We sat for a while more before he started shivering, "aren't you cold, Ro?"

I shrugged, "I mean yeah, I'm literally wearing a hospital gown and a diaper. But the cold feels kinda nice right now."

He snickered softly. It felt nice to joke a bit. It was false happiness, and felt like playing pretend, but it was something.

The door to the roof burst open and Chan ran out, "oh thank fucking god..."

He fell to his knees in front of me, "we were all so worried when we saw both of you were gone. You shouldn't be out of bed!"

I smiled softly, "sorry... I needed air. Jisung found me a while ago."

"It's nearly six in the morning, how long have you been here?"

I looked out over the skyline, tinges of pink where just starting to come through, "most of the night I think."

He stood, "you should try to sleep..."

I nodded, "you are probably right..."

He helped me to my feet gingerly, I winced slightly. Even without the broken ribs, I was majorly banged up. When I was stood up I felt a trickle of wetness slide down my leg. I looked down and saw a bit of blood.

I bit back more tears as panic flashed across chan's face, I put a hand on his chest, "it's fine... it's like a period. Let's just go back to the room so I can shower."

The walk back was painfully silent. And literally painful. I was in a better headspace now so I think I felt the pain more.

The nurse, after giving me a thorough scolding, helped me clean up. I cried the whole time. It hurt to do anything. But I was thankful that the physical pain was masking the emotional. She helped me put on real clothes, that hurt the worst, lifting my arms and all that. But I was being discharged and I would rather not leave in the hospital gown.

When I hobbled out of the bathroom I met eyes with Felix, they were watery. He must have heard me crying. I leaned forward into his chest, resting my head on his shoulder "everything fucking hurts yongbok."

He helped me sit on the bed so he could put my shoes on, "I mean, they are going to wheel you out, but I assume you'd feel better with your shoes."

I nodded. I looked down at where my name should be on his arm, we had discovered that the names were on the same places of everyone's body. So Felix's name was on my left forearm just under the crease of my elbow, and my name was in the same spot on his arm. However, it wasn't.

I straightened a bit too fast and winced, "Felix? Where's my name?" It was concerning how concerned I was about it.

He looked up, "oh no, it's still there! It's just covered with some makeup!"

I felt relieved, "why?"

He rubbed my arm, pushing my sleeve up so he could see his name, "we don't really know what's going on with the names yet, and we can't hide all of them all the time, but we just figured with everything happening in your life right now, we didn't want any of the fans being mad at you or blaming you for something you can't control."

I nodded, "thank you..."

"In the same vein, here," he reached out and let my hair down, effectively covering hyunjins name at the nape of my neck. He carefully placed a bandage over jeongins name as well.

A nurse came in to get me ready to go to the car.