CONSUME

[15] feelings

***

I lied awake in bed, not being able to sleep. I wrapped myself further into my bedsheets even more than I already was, and rolled onto my side to lift my head up and take a peek at the alarm clock on my nightstand, seeing that the time showed it was currently 2:42 AM.

"UGHHHH!" I groaned in frustration, my loss of sleep annoying me. 

I'd gotten home from the Carnival hours ago, but all I could think about was my conversation with Aidan. 

And, inevitably, my feelings for Axel. 

I can't can't CAN'T like him. 

Seriously, he's my enemy. The boy I hate. My neighbor and nemesis. I've never gotten along with him through all of my years of living. 

If it weren't for that stupid, drunk night at Brad's stupid, dumb party, none of this would have ever happened. I feel like my whole entire life has been consumed by thoughts of Axel. Everywhere I go I see him and everyone I talk to I compare to him and any other girl he talks to I hate!

I wish he would only talk to me and only be with me and I also only wanted to spend time with him. Even when all we do is argue, I oddly find a sense of comfort in our quarrels because-- I mean, it's Axel. The Axel I've known forever. 

I jolted up in bed, kicking my legs out and practically hopping off of the mattress. I don't know what I wanted or what he wanted but I knew one thing: Aidan was right. 

I can't sit here and lose sleep, overthinking ridiculous scenarios and killing myself over the curiosity of what Axel feels. Whether he even feels anything at all. 

I needed to talk to him.

I looked at my phone that was plugged into the charger and unlocked it, going into my messages and hovering my finger over 'ASSLE.' I smiled a little bit, and decided to just text him. Maybe he's awake too.

'Hi.'

Once I hit send, I cringed at my own words. 'Hi?' Really? I couldn't even come up with something better than that? 

'R u awake?' 

I typed, and decided to hit send again. A little double texting never hurt anybody. 

He didn't reply though, and I frowned. This is stupid, I mean, it's fucking 2 o'clock in the morning. 

But of course, I'm actually psychotic and found it to be an amazing idea to climb out of my bedroom window and walk over to the Conynghim's house. 

After scraping my knee on the brick outside of my house from almost falling out of the window, I lightly jogged across the grassy lawn and towards Axel's house, stopping once I reached the front door. 

I can't get in through here... I bit my bottom lip, trying to come up with a way to get to Axel's room. I could see his window from here, and I walked around his house so I was standing just beneath his room. The bedroom light was off and the only way I could think of getting up there was the ladder that was leaning up against their garage. 

Is this breaking and entering?

I mean-- no. Right? I think I'm going crazy. 

I don't know why, but I think he's making me actually crazy. 

I slid the ladder against the side of the house and after hoping it was sturdy enough, I began climbing up the little steps. It creaked as I made my way up, and my heart was beating with fright over how high up I actually was, and the wobbly nature of this stupid ladder wasn't helping.