CONSUME

[29] give in

***

kameron springfield

It's basically been impossible to get Axel all alone, lately. I've been so busy setting up the Winter Fair, so most of my days after school go by spending time with Ms. Anita in the art room. 

Of course, I get bits of time with Axel here and there. After Club, sometimes we sneak off and do some kissing in the hallways, and maybe he's been reaching his hands in my pants every now and again whenever there's a moment of privacy. 

But still, doing more than anything we've already done in the past hasn't happened. Doing the things we discussed last week on the sidewalk hasn't come anywhere near fruition. I'm constantly thinking about when the next time we do it will be. I'm scared of the pain it will most likely bring, but I hope to make him comfortable. 

He's given me a few fingers and some make out sessions in the past week and a half. I do want more, and I know that he wants more too. He often tells me he wants more, and he doesn't fail to whisper in my ear how badly he's dying to fuck me while he kisses my neck. 

Gosh, I hope we are able to get a bed to ourselves soon. 

However, everything Axel told me that night a couple of weeks ago is obviously a topic I can't help but constantly mull over. I keep thinking about how difficult his past was and the way that I never even knew. Surely, it wouldn't have been sensible for me to have known because Axel isn't my friend and he never was. Still, the guilt that's been running through me of how much I labeled him a player all of these years is lingering. 

I know he doesn't blame me for being unaware of his circumstances but that doesn't mean I don't feel some type of way about it. Regardless, he's been constantly insisting that it's all in the past and that every sexual thing that we do is one hundred percent consensual. 

Whenever we're together, he seems so into it that I think he may burst. He admitted to never masturbating or releasing the sexuality from his body all of these years, and I wonder if that's why there is a burning ignition of hunger whenever we're only just kissing. He finally feels safe to have sex and now that he does, it's like he's letting out all of the urges he'd once locked away. 

It excites me, of course. But I also wonder if I can handle it. Axel gets so turned on just from touching me. He pleasures me, and somehow, he's pleasured by it too. His sexual desires must be through the roof and I'm not sure what it will be like when we have sex again. This time, we're planning for it and this time I'll be prepared. That still doesn't mean I'm not worrisome. 

I was sore for two days after the last time we did it, and we hadn't even done anything but insertion. What will happen if we go further? Can I take it if he tries to move inside of me this time? 

"Hey," A voice said. I almost jumped at the sound, becoming ashamed of my dirty thoughts at an inappropriate time. 

"Oh my gosh, Cole." I said, smiling, "You almost scared me." 

"Oh, sorry." He said shortly. Cole and I haven't spoken properly since he saw Axel and I... well...

"I... Listen, about everything--" I tried to address it, but he stopped me. 

"Don't worry, Kameron. Really, it's okay." He said, smiling. His smile seemed pretty genuine, actually, and I wonder if he's truly accepted that there is nothing between him and me. More so, I'm beyond grateful that he doesn't seem to have said a word to anyone about the whole thing. There haven't been any rumors surrounding the topic for all I know, so for that I appreciate him.