after hours | tom kaulitz

20

trying to process what was happening in my life was exhausting, and beyond awful.

it felt like I was trying to understand something that, in the end, was just scribbles upon scribbles in my head.

it felt like my brain was being torn to pieces my little mites eating away at any good memory I could bring myself to remember.

I let myself get lost in a trance as we drove, I watched people and buildings fly by, just staring outside.

I was picking at one of the scabs on my thigh, one of the ones Hiroshi caused. I had never hurt myself purposefully before, but recently I had begun picking at my skin and scabs.

I felt Bill's hand engulf mine, still resting on my thigh. In most cases, I would've felt uncomfortable, or I would've taken it sexually, but this wasn't sexually, this was comforting.

in a way I knew he was only trying to comfort me, no weird intentions behind the way his thumb gently caressed my hand and slowly moved it upward and away from any scabs.

the entire drive was silent, soft music playing from the radio, his hand still holding mine.

"Maddy?" I looked over at him, eyes droopy and puffy, indicators of how I'd been crying flashing in my face like police sirens, my mascara was streaky and my heart ached.

"it's all gonna be okay," I said nothing, my gaze lingering on him for a moment longer before I resumed my attention outside.

—

I felt the car slow to a stop, the door opposing to me opening before slamming shut, making me jump slightly, a couple of moments after my car door opened as well, bills arms wrapped around me.

"where are we?" I mumbled softly, my gaze averting to the beautiful landscape around me.

there were mountains in the distance, and I could hear the faint sound of crickets and other animals as the moon gleamed bright above me and Bill.

I looked around for a second, noticing no other cars were parked, Bill's fancy race car standing out in the scenery of nature.

"you're not gonna like kill me right..." I awkwardly laughed, muttering out the words as he sat us down on the cliff.

I grew anxious at his lack of response, shooting him a look that he quickly shook his head and laughed at, calming me instantly.

"so what's been going on?" neither of us was looking at each other, both of us staring off into the distance.

I watched the way the wind gently blew the leaves on trees in the stretch, a soft, cold breeze laying on my skin and soaking into my body.

I laid my head on Bill, gently scooting closer until his arm was wrapped around me and I was snuggled into his side.

in most cases, I'd consider this romantic, I'd consider this flirting, and I'd make some sly comment about the distance between us.
but this wasn't romantic, this wasn't flirting, and I wasn't gonna comment. This was comfort and love.

"It's all so much" I managed to choke out, attempting not to cry again. Bill's thumb gently circled on my shoulder as I took small, deep breaths to keep myself calm.

"Can I tell you something?" I whispered, eyes still edging with tears, knowing they could fall at any second. he gave no response, but I knew it was a yes, his fingertips pressing just barely deeper into my skin to signal me to keep going.

"I think.." I paused, adverting my eyes to the ground and feeling his gaze turn to me.

"I think I date bad people, so I can be right.." he cocked a brow, confusion evident on his face.

"I date bad people knowing they'll hurt me, just so I can validate myself when they do" Once again, nothing was said, the silencing drowning out any other noise between the two.

"Tom misses you..." I heard him mutter, gritting his teeth slightly at the end as he sighed.

"a lot. He's barely done any races and nearly lost every one he does do" I nodded into bills skin, a soft rush of cold air hitting me causing me to shudder.

"I want to forgive him really bad" That garnered no response, his thumb still rubbing circles into my skin.

—

we continued to talk on that cliff for nearly 2 hours, it felt nice to finally get it all out.

Bill had agreed to drive me home on the condition he can take me out for coffee again tomorrow morning, I happily agreed.

I heard Bill's familiar soft humming as he tapped along to the rhythm of the song that was playing, causing me to smile lightly.

I turned my attention back towards the window, watching people and lights fly by once more.

there's something so comforting about watching people you don't know live their life.

it shows you how even in your weirdest moments, there are people just like you.

as we stopped in front of a red light I saw a lady, tears pouring down her face as she screamed at a male in front of her, shoving her finger into his chest in a similar manner that I did.

near the next stop, I saw a dude, drinking beer out of a bottle in a brown plastic bag, almost so cliche it was hard to believe.

near the third and final stop, there was a mother, holding a little boy's hand as he pointed at things in a shop window.

I didn't know these people, I knew nothing about them or what they were like, and yet it was so easy to make an assumption.

—

I slowly got out of the car, bills arms immediately engulfing me into a tight hug.

I had never been a fan of hugs, I hated being this close to someone, but for a moment I felt normal.

for a minute, wrapped in his arms I felt okay. I felt like everything would be fine.

I felt normal, hugging him made me feel normal.

that was a feeling I missed as soon as it was gone, but it gave me hope that things would be okay.

"call me if you need anything" I nodded, slowly. I watched him slowly get back into his car before the gravel crunched beneath the wheels and he drove off, allowing me to slowly sulk my way inside and change, plop down into my bed, and get much needed rest.