Evanescent Dreams

34. To Heal...

"Neuronal plasticity. People have the ability to change."

"Or so I thought. " Lin Xingren sifted the colorless sand in the playground with her fingers. 

Ye Zhen had been listening from the bench with his hands clasped in front of him. 

The city noise had softened, and the cicadas were retiring. The streetlight flickered, but it didn't reach the the lost soul of the dark-haired girl in its shadows.

"Whenever I forgive myself, I hurt others."

Since the time she failed to keep Huang Li...she failed to keep any of her friends.

She liked talking. She liked sharing. She liked having friends. But she wasn't a good friend. Whenever she grew closer to her friends, her flaws grew more apparent. Within her, it was always herself, never anyone else. It was as if a curse was set upon her personality. A curse she couldn't run away from. She would hurt her friends, and not know, until...

Whenever I forgive myself, I also hurt.

Sometimes they were minor injuries. Her friends would gradually distance themselves. She would sometimes hear chitter chatter about her from here and there. Rumors came and went.

The scale of the injury directly correlated with the duration of the friendship, however.  

Sometimes..it would be unbearable. 

It would be a fresh morning, like any other morning, but her friend would not be her friend anymore. Their shared secrets would not be theirs anymore. Their shared memories would not be theirs anymore. Their friendship would not be theirs anymore. They would be hers. Only her own. 

But what was most painful was never the rumors or betrayals. What stung was that she knew who she was. 

"And that's why..."Lin Xingren stood up from the sand. "That's why I lied."

"I'm not-"

 Lin Xingren's eyes widened.

 Ye Zhen had wrapped his arms around her from behind. The powdery light of the streetlamp followed his embrace. 

"Shh...You don't have to force yourself," he gave a low, heartfelt whisper. 

Lin Xingren breathed in. His jacket smelled like old, dried lavender. 

Tears wetted her cold cheeks and more came down when she opened her mouth. 

"I'm not a kind person...I'm not a friendly person...I'm not how I make myself seem." 

 Her hands reached up to his, but he only hugged her more firmly. The more he hugged, the more she wanted to cry. 

"Liu Gujing...maybe she's right. Everything...the murders, the investigations...could just be me revenging her."

"Then why haven't you forgiven yourself yet?"  Ye Zhen's deep and gentle voice broke in. 

"Why are you crying?"

"Why are you in such pain?"

"Who are you really revenging, Almond?"

From the strokes of his tone, she realized her own truth. 

I'm not revenging Liu Gujing. The one I'm revenging...I've been revenging...is that little girl, myself.

Since the start of high school, instead of fixing each of the countless flaws she had, she revenged everything. Both what might have been bad and what might have been her. She abandoned the whole package that was her: her confidence, her style, her ambition. It was easier being a puppet than a weird presenter.