Fundamentals of Insanity

Ranting and raving or is it venting?

It is often said that once we reach out lowest point ,that is when we are reborn into something better and stronger.We will realize our self worth and have an amazing epiphany about our purpose in life....yada..yada..yada...Little is said about how hard it is to go from there,to actually life yourself out of that low,and into the High is extremely hard as it is terrifying.I envy those who have already tackled and succeeded their lowest point or their trials and tribulations.However I keep having reoccurring low points which I cannot seem to escape.I know that you have to live by your own time line and not conform to others expectations.No matter how long it takes,we can still achieve the happiness we so deserve in this miserable life.Life doesn't seem to be getting any easier and I decided to vent on a chapter of this book ,hoping it will give me perspective or atleast some sort of hope.Life is becoming increasingly difficult,it is absolutely frustrating to even think of the complexities of life,the emotions,the family,the career,the mysteries,the pain and anguish,the sadness and depression,the feeling of being lost with no direction,being spiritually conflicted not knowing Which faith to follow or What God even wants from us,or why he seems so cruelly intent on hurting me.So many unanswered questions and so little understanding.

I don't wish to know everything,but at least show me the bloody way,show me what Im supposed to be doing on this God forsaken earth.I am 26 years old and when I browse through social media,I see all the people I went to school with,even the dumbest girl who had literally no brain cells is getting married to this amazingly handsome and successful guy.Brains don't matter in this life,I can't bloody believe it.I messed up so badly that I cannot help but feel like a total failure.I wish I knew better when It came to my education and career and especially love and relationships.I screwed up so badly and I wish someone was there to tell me "no tamlynn,don't do this,you'll be making a big mistake."....I wish someone cared enough to correct me when I strayed but of course,as fate or destiny would have it,I had no guidance whatsoever and I ended up screwing up everything.

Having no purpose in life,reaching a point of realizing where you don't actually know what on earth you're doing or why you're here in the first place is frustrating as it is painful.Imagine having no career,no money,no job,no way of moving forward,all you do is sleep all day and cry all night,you are being harangued by family members and your parents for being a useless neanderthal with no incentive to move forward in life.The thing is,it's not like you want to remain dormant or stagnant In one position,it's not like you want to be unemployed and uneducated with no money.If you could help it,you'd be working the most menial job in order to atleast be earning some sort of income.I mean,I wasn't blessed with the same opportunities as others ,which of course shouldn't be an excuse to be useless.Life is what you make of it, right? You're supposed to persevere and fight to succeed,fight for a better life, right?If only it were that simple.Watching people overcome obstacles despite the odds makes me feel even more useless ,it feels like I'm just worthless because even the people with the brain capacity of a sponge are succeeding.Of all the motivational speeches,and positive messages,it isn't that simple to adhere to is there?Nothing seems to feel that void of emptiness inside me.I wish I had that hunger for life ,but honestly,this world is rotting from the core and I can't begin to explain how this world has become.I bet God is sitting up there with his head in his hands,In a corner trembling with utter shock at what he has created.I don't suppose he imagined that his little project would become such a horrid manifestation of evil,deception and wrongful actions.For me personally,I am scared by this world.I mean, who would want to live in a world where people are now taking horse tranquilizers with opioids ,getting High and then becoming zombie like.The after effects of that drug is horrific,as if it's eating them from the inside.As if that isn't bad enough,there are so many sickening murders and rape and abuse taking place that humanity is almost non existent in this world.People are so engrossed with their phones and the digital world that all they care about is being famous on tik tok or Instagram,being a successful influencer.Everyone has become so superficial and materialistic that there is no regard for life whatsoever.Theres no passion or respect for our world and it's inhabitants.I want to read and envelope myself in the rich history of this world,to learn about how the roads were built ,study the different types of animals,teach children about this wonderful world atleast,find cures for sicknesses or diseases,engage with different cultures and religions and learn about how they pray and live.I cannot explain the level of ignorance people are displaying these days and It makes me increasingly disheartened,so much so that I am discouraged to even try to go forward.Again the actions of other people also should not be an excuse for me to remain unsuccessful,but sometimes I ask myself,what is the point of all this?Why even bother?Nobody else cares ,why should I?That is why I feel empty.