Fundamentals of Insanity

Lost

Crisis,chaos,mayhem,problems upon problems.Don't know where to turn.Birthdays are passing,and yet nothing achieved,no sense of belonging or happiness,everything has,is and continues to fall apart.I'm sure alot of people know the feeling.The feeling of uselessness,being the black,backwards sheep of the family.How do you compete with the more achieved members of your family and even more so,the more achieved members of your classmates back in high school?The depair of constantly comparing,the agony of parents reminding you of your failures on a daily basis.Everything is building up,the volcano has heated up to maximum capacity, ready to explode.How to fly when your feet are glued to the ground..... How,just how???!!!.

Feeling stuck in one place while the world around you keeps moving.That is a horrid feeling.You cannot even meet the demands of your own life,the standards which you have set for yourself when you were a young nipper in school.....has amounted to nothing?What frustrates me personally is the world itself,the amount of strength we are expected to have,the amount of comparison and pressure placed upon us.You cannot find yourself,you cannot even ground yourself.I see it as walking on a dark destitute road,or perusing through a thicket of stubborn bushes and trees,through all the parts of the forest that represent your complexity.Some of us haven't seen any light as yet amidst that thicket,we are still wandering in the darkness,our eyes now accustomed to the distorted shape and manner of our lives inside the blackness.The only way out is up,but how many of us have the courage to climb?To climb up all those sharp saber-tooth like branches,waiting to prick us and make us fall back down.Back to where we started,back to the beginning.You can almost hear within the forest,voices of creatures and ghosts of our past alike,waiting to applaud our failure,as if knowing we won't make it.It is a constant battle with ourselves.Hypothetically our lives are like that forest.We cannot climb without the strength and courage to do so,breaking the bondage of fear.

You require a yearning like no other,a yearning and will to survive,to shut out the cynical voices that mock your every move.Listen to your heartbeat,it speaks your story loud and boldly,it beats fear into the people who would do you harm and cause you pain.Your heart would grant you strength and bravery unmasked by your desire to...live.

I personally am undoubtedly a pessimist.I was advised by many do-gooders,the Christian converts who have found the good lord christ and changed their lives.I was advised by teachers and peers,family members who as it seems doesn't even know shit about me or my life,I was advised by pastors,priests,extremely religious people so to speak.I was told to be positive.I was told to be strong,be courageous,be brave.I just couldn't.It isn't as easy as just telling me to do it and 'poof',I am now magically positive and suddenly posess a desire to live.I wasn't raised spiritually or religiously and frankly I didn't know squat about my God or religion.I just knew what religion I was and who I am supposed to pray to.Because I was without guidance I allowed a lot of people to lead me towards other religions.....Like Christianity.I went to churches.It was comforting at some point I won't lie.Some stuff in the bible makes you feel really protected and loved.However I branched away from it.I am not against any religion,that is the truth,I just backed away when I saw how hateful the Christian people were.They condemned other religions,and by condemn I mean like really shame them.They claimed every other religion was fake,except theirs.Everybody has their own faith,you have yours,they have theirs.What nonsense is this?They also judge people based on EVERYTHING.Their clothing,their jobs,their cars,even their husbands or wives.Once you go into church you are the immediate topic of the hushed whispering amongst the church goers."See that girl,she can't even wear nice clothes and come,she's like a beggar."Yes people it is true,this is what I endured.They were always competing,who dresses the best,who has the best car,who's husband is the richest.My god,Church was like a Miss World beauty pageant and a Top gear episode.The worst for me was how they judged people who attempted suicide,or has committed suicide and they said it was a sin to do so.Didn't even care about why the person would want to end their lives or even question it.Oh,yes.Being gay is a sin.They despise it with a passion.Which is why a lot of gay people act straight instead of being who they are.I couldn't take it.Not all Christians are like this but to those of you who are?Shame on you.

So I was Godless again.Now let me tell you,I don't want my writings to garner any hatred or conflict,I know religion is a sensitive topic.I am just speaking from experience.Moving on.I have a very strange perception of emotion,of the world,of everything basically.My heart aches every second of every day.Why I mentioned my lack of spiritual upbringing is because I had no guidance at all.This is how we become lost.We always think we know better,we sometimes want acknowledgement.

Everybody has a clock by which they time their achievements by,the thing is ,if you don't succeed or achieve what you set out to by a certain age,you degrade yourself and feel useless.There is a point in all our lives where we feel lost.No sense of direction, spiritually conflicted and maybe even angry at God,wanting to move but scared that something else is going to happen,wanting to break free from the anchors of depression and anxiety and low self esteem.Hatred of oneself is much more easier to manifold than love.I should know,I had a severe hatred for myself