Fundamentals of Insanity

Mother may I ...

The concept of having children was always foreign to me.I never wanted kids because I didn't want to impart the suffering I endured onto them.I also never liked children or took to them easily.When I became an adult and had a daughter at the age of 22 ,I realized that I wasn't capable of loving anything or anyone else more than I love this little human being.Little did I know what other problems I had with being a mother.Firstly it takes a lot , emotional, mentally and psychically.Secondly,you're not allowed a moment of weakness,or sadness or even sickness.

Being a single mother was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.The intense hardship that came with it ,was something I expected but never fathomed the severity of it.I struggled emotionally with the problems in my life that I did not enjoy my daughters baby years and actually have a vague memory of her as a baby.I was engulfed in this awful depression and it was always ,where am I going to get her milk from,oh no her diapers are almost finished ,and there's no money for her wetwipes.Everyday,every damn insufferable day was about fighting for survival and keeping the needs of my child at the head of all our needs.I hated it.Besides all that,I had to be the happy mother,and not project my stress and anxiety to my baby,or she will pick up on that and you can't stress the baby out.You have to be strong for your child.Now as she is getting older and smarter and more brilliant,I feel like a terrible mother because I'm still engulfed in this awful depression and I'm not paying attention to her .I'm not noticing the little things she does,like how she arranges the clothing pegs,or how she arranges her toys and how she keeps her things.Im not enjoying how articulate and intelligent she is,how unique to other children she is,how pure and loving and beautiful she is..... because I'm too enveloped in my own pain and sorrow.I know,,,I need to snap out of it right?I have to be there for my child and I need to stop being selfish and not caring about her.The thing is,I do care about her ,but it is partially the finance needed to take care of her ,and her future that is fueling my insatiable depression.I love her immensely.I just am struggling to be strong and other mothers are so much better at potraying a strong front , a "nothing can get me down." Image .Me?I'm just existing everyday.Im with my daughter but I'm not with my daughter at the same time and I'm going to regret this severely.The thing is,how?How does one find the strength to pull themselves out of the proverbial hole that we all seem to fall into.I mean if I have to admit to myself ,it's kinda annoying to watch all those success stories of people who have been down and out and found some sort of will to go on.Thats wonderful,now what the hell do I do?

I have to wake up when my daughter wakes up,I can't sleep in because I want to ,I have to be awake to watch her.I have to wake up throughout all hours of the night no matter how deeply asleep I am,to make her milk or take her to the toilet.I have to ensure she has food to eat because when she doesn't eat I got bed with a heavy heart.I feel guilty that she is stuck in this house,she doesn't get to go anywhere like other kids or get spoiled like other things because my side of the family have abandoned her and her father's side of the family have not a care in the world for her.My daughters family consists of myself,my mother and my brother.Nobody else.Why?why was such a perfect Wonderful child born to me? Imperfect and useless me?I couldn't even buy her a tin of milk when she was born,what made me think I was capable of being a mother?I am in way over my head here and im alone in this pain because her father just drops by once in a while with a few hugs and I love yous and not have to endure non of the responsibility of having to change her,feed her and put her to bed.Ensuring she is well taken care of.I mean I'm doing the best I can but how is it fair?I might as well have had a test tube baby with no father like mother Mary.Of course that would be entirely ironical ,given the fact that I have rediculed my entire believe system of not having children by going and having a child with no set plan of how I was going to do this by myself.Really?I ended up a single mother?Me?The person who was dead against having a child suffer at the hands of life and also my inability to give them everything they deserve.All I have is this love for my daughter and it is the only reason I am still here,I can't begin to think what would become of her if I wasn't here.My mother and brother love her dearly but they both have a warped sense of responsibility.She didn't ask to be here so why should I abandon her?why should I bring her into the world just to jump ship and let her suffer?My family doesn't love me and they don't love her, her father's side are a bunch of dim witted nutballs with no understanding of the concept of family.I will not beg for people to love and care for my child,I shall do it myself,I'm just so tired.I am not strong enough for this job.I haven't even raised myself properly or gotten over my own traumatic circumstances and depression, how on earth do I raise another human to be a normal functioning and well mannered person?

So tonight as I write this chapter ,I sit awake with my daughter (I am aware it's past her bedtime )...and it's approaching midnight.The cold the penetrating my very core,this winter seems a lot more harsh.I have realized something or rather,I have an epiphany of sorts.I am a terrible mother,I am not your typical super mom,I don't have conventional methods of raising a child and I'm a weakling ,I cannot be emotionally strong for myself let alone for my child.Yes,I've spent this entire chapter ranting about how its so hard being a mother and how unfair it is that we cannot falter,even a little bit.I am sure you expected a more uplifting epiphany,well don't get your knickers in a knot.....Upon realizing that I am in fact a terrible mother and I'm not your typical , convention parent.....I have also realized that it is okay.It is okay not to be the mum in shining pancake batter or the strong as gorilla glue mum.I suck,and that's okay.I didn't magically become a mum by popping out a baby ,that stuff is learned through out parenting and I am allowed to mess up.I love my daughter and she loves me ,that's all that matters to me.I may have bad habits and I swear and I'm basically your average badly behaved human.She doesn't see any of that.To her I'm this perfect person that provides a place of love and safety for her.She doesn't see my past or presumes to judge me thereby.It is okay to be bad a mother but having a child is about sacrifices.I cannot continue to be this depressed and aloof person with no will to live.I cannot become my mother,who loves us but is incapable of connecting with us or sharing affection or a real relationship with.We are just figments of her misguided imagination of what children are supposed to be and to her that is investment policies for her old age.Ill get into this some other time but basically,her losing my father and losing her wealth and house upon his death,destroyed her.She never recovered and because of that ,she became distant and irrefutably aloof.She loves no doubt about that,but her pain overcomes her ability to be a mother and none of my siblings and I share a close bond with her.I don't want to be that person to my daughter,I don't want to allow my pain and sorrow to overcome my ability to be a good mother.See Mothers have the hardest job,during any tradgedy in our lives ,we are allowed to grieve and fall apart but not in front of our kids and not for too long before they begin to notice.You have to be neutral and strong and that is where the hard part comes in.

With that being established,I have to change.I have to snap out of my insufferable sadness and lift myself out of this endless pit of sorrow.Was this a way to give myself a motivational speech?Perhaps....but sometimes we have to make things happen,it's like they say,if you keep doing what you're always doing,you're going to keep getting what you're always getting.