The Heartbreak Within ✔️

AFTER

JULY 5, 2023, JULY 15, 2023

This romance, mostly friendship- not even- that I so fondly clinged onto, the image of a future of possibilities, the vision of possibility...

Well, it's all gone.

It never existed; it had stopped. A romance so strong and powerful; a moment I loved, and a time he forgot. The romance that I always wanted and the romance that I had, all at once stopped. It stopped for a while. After everything that happened, I at least thought we'd be friends. He's such a liar. But even as I held on for so long, for months, the torture; the image of something more- someone, as we all knew- made him let go. It was always him. I'm sure of it, it was always him, even as he had a girlfriend, he always chose him. But he had let me go so much longer ago, but I still stayed. He pushed me away, but I stayed a loyal girlfriend.  Loyalty,  something he never understood.

Our romance, that ended so quick, even though it had been a year and 4 months and months of heartbreak in between at the end- it turned into a friendship and sort of not even. It was never a deep friendship, I realized, even as there was a romance, and I always thought it was, I thought he was the best.

But after this, after he finally fully let go, even as I held on and persevered for months of his betrayals; it's funny really. One time I do the same to him, just one time, and that's what did it for him? He lied.

Well after him. My life has changed so much. It's better honestly, it really is. Because I tried so hard to make him happy and to make him love me, I guess, because even as I was his girlfriend, he still chose everything and  everyone else over me and it always killed me.  And now that he's gone, my life will get so much better. It already is. Life goes on. I will find someone so much better; I learned not to settle for less .

But you know, I really thought he was the one. I always imagined my future with him there and he actually was my future; I loved him that much.  Nothing was ever enough, and in the end all I did was never enough to make him stay. But I wish him the best, really. I don't have any hate or anger so much, I don't love him romantically anymore, he fucked it up so long ago, but I love him in the way that, he was my first true love. He showed me love. He helped me heal even as he ended up breaking me again. But I'm stronger now, partially because of him and then, as always, because of myself, because the non-existent boyfriend that I had couldn't help me heal anymore and I had to do it myself. Like I always have to, so it's ok. 

You never forget your first love, or the most changing and powerful. I love him in the way of gratefulness. Because he changed me; he made me happy,  and then he hurt me, and he broke me many times... I wish him all the best, because all I ever wanted was for him to be happy and if him breaking up with me in the way that he did will make him happy, then I am very happy. I wish him so much happiness and joy and success and everything else he wants. I have no hate, just peace. And gratefulness. And a lot of pain hidden, because of the memories and broken promises, of course. But he changed me, and I'm telling you that it was for the better, because he helped me become someone better, someone I wasn't, but someone I like so much more now. He pushed me in that direction, but I did it myself in the end, because I've always been alone, even as I had a "partner" who was a part of me and who was supposed to be with me. And I'm happy with that, I'm ok with that reality, because alone I've gotten so much more done.

He was always so blind, and I was always there for him. But he could never see me. I would have done anything for him, and I would have given him the world. But what would that have done? He didn't want it from me anyway, he had it all...

He was my life and my future, but now he's just a bump in the road, in the road of a new beginning, because I'm moving on. You hit a bump, you trip, and you keep going. And I'm not stopping now, after all this time. More bumps will come, as they always do, but I have myself. And that's enough . 

I'll always remember you, S. ❤️‍🩹 I wish you the best and I hope you're happy. Hope it was all worth it. Thank you for the years and all the memories, good and bad. You really were the best of men, and best of friends. You just changed, that's all. But you were the best. I hope you stay the same, just for him now. Don't change, be yourself. Bye-bye.

JANUARY 31, 2022 - JUNE 21, 2023

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