Insecure Too (Completed)

32

Yazmine

The sound of the clock ticking was so loud, magnified by the silence. Dr. Thierry wasn't saying anything, letting her last question hang in the air between us. I wasn't saying anything, because it was a stupid question. But soon the silence became too heavy for me.

"How did it make me feel?" I rolled my eyes. "How do you think it made me feel? I was scared, terrified, I thought I was going to die."

"That must have been so terrible to go through alone."

"Yeah." I picked at the fray of the cut out in my jeans, not able to look at her.

"How often do you think about that night?"

I swallowed. "Unconsiousy, all the time. I never try to think about it. It's like, I can be doing anything, and I see a car, or I see something weird and I just get the feeling all over again, like I'm not safe. I never feel safe when I'm alone. And I know it's irrational, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched."

"I wouldn't say it's irrational."

"And I can't sleep. Either I'm up all night, afraid to go to sleep, or I go to sleep and I wake up screaming."

"What do you feel like grounds you? What gives you a feeling of security?"

"My fiance. And just being around people I know care about me and won't let nothing happen to me. But I just don't want to live my life in fear, that's the biggest thing. And I definitely don't want to feel watched all the time. Before, I was talking about if you know, he was watching me. But also, I feel like everyone in my life is watching me. And I appreciate it but it kind of adds to the fear that something is still wrong, there is still someone out there after me." Shifting in my chair, I finally found her gaze. "I just want everything to go back to normal."

"It's possible you might have to adjust to a new normal, Yazmine. Is there any activity, hobby, past time, that helps quiet those negative thoughts? You went through a traumatic experience and now your body needs healing."

"Yeah, I paint. I've been so creative since this happened, it's weird. Sometimes when I can't sleep I just go to my studio and paint until I'm so tired I can't lift the brush."

"Ok, let's talk about your inability to sleep. Have you ever had a time where you couldn't sleep?"

"No, never. I had friends who were insomniac and I just couldn't relate. Like I literally could not understand how you can't sleep. I love sleep so much," I said laughing. "So it's like the worse thing ever not to get any."

"Oh, I understand." Dr. Thierry laughed a little too.

"So is there like medicine you can prescribe? Sleeping medication?"

"There are definitely medications that sometimes can be useful for something like this, but usually I only prescribe after trying a couple things."

Damn. So she wasn't even going to prescribe me anything which meant I would have to keep coming back until she did. Melatonin was not doing anything for me at this point and I was desperate.

"In the meantime, I would like you to do the journaling exercises we talked about earlier, as well as the breathing techniques."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Ok."

"Alright well that's all the time we have today." She gave me a warm smile. "See you next week."

Leaving the office, I wasn't sure how to feel. Dr. Thierry was someone that I could see myself warming up to. She didn't poke and prod as much as I expected, and she was a great listener. I wasn't super comfortable with her yet, but that could come with time. I was peeved she wouldn't prescribe me anything yet, but she probably wouldn't be very good at her job if she had already medicated me.