Insecure Too (Completed)

9

Please excuse any spelling errors.

Yazmine

"You ever think we too young for this shit?"

Tae was sitting shirtless in the pool chair. We were at the pool in my apartment complex. It was deserted for three reasons: it was eight AM, it was a Tuesday, and it was chilly as fuck. But we weren't swimming. The sun wasn't up yet, but Devonte still was looking extra golden. I loved his skin tone, it was beautiful. His hair was nice and lined up, and his chains laid against his chest. I ain't know how he could be out here with no shirt on but I appreciated the view. Nigga swore he needed to hit the gym, but I ain't have no complaints. He had his thinking face on so it ain't surprise me when he asked that random question.

"What you mean?" I accepted the blunt he passed me. But I ain't hit it, I just looked at it, watching the smoke spiral into the air. Lying in the lawn chair, I sported a pair of denim cut offs and a t shirt I tie- dyed and cut up.

"All this shit. Like when you a child, you ain't posed to have to deal with certain shit, that's adult shit. But some of us ain't never really get to be children. And now that we basically grown, I still don't feel ready."

Once again I was reminded of the stark contrast between our childhoods. I had a childhood. I didn't have to grow up fast. It was a sobering thought.

Devonte took the blunt that dangled from my hand, which I had honestly forgotten about.

"You know what I'm afraid of though?"

Shit honestly scared me, but I had to know. As far as I knew, Devonte wasn't scared of nothing. Since we rekindled our relationship I had never seen a crack in his facade, not even when his uncle passed. He concentrated on the good times. He comforted his aunt. And he kept it moving. But I had to know. "What?" I whispered.

"I love hard. A lotta people out here in the world don't got any love left. Like it's the wave to be cold, and heartless and shit. Despite the shit I went through as a child, I knew love. Stepped into my Aunty house I felt love from the top of my head to my fucking toes." He paused and finally looked at me. Straight at me with such intensity I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.

"I know love," he continued. "I just love so mothafuckin hard."

It ain't surprise me. He ain't do anything halfway. It was why he was so good at the things he did. He had ambition. And so far his past only fueled his progress.

Now it was my turn to stare at him. When I walked out of his life three years ago, I was a young woman, who wasn't ready for love, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I was. At first I thought it was because I just got my heart broken. Which is why I constantly pushed Devonte away from the beginning, even when I allowed others in. I sensed his intensity from the beginning. I ran from it. Shit, running was what I did best.

It wasn't until after I broke up with Tae that I realized it wasn't a past relationship that destroyed ours, it was my immaturity. And his too, shit. I never thought I was worthy of being loved in the way Devonte promised to love me. Which is why I didn't trust it. Why I couldn't trust it. Why I refused to trust it. And why I cut and run at the first sign that things would be not be peaches and cream.

I grew a lot in the past three years and it wasn't because I aged, it was because I learned something very important: accept things as they are. Don't try to force shit. Brian, for example. I liked him, I genuinely cared for him, and I probably, nah, I did have love for him.

But he never elicited anything close to what I felt when I was with Devonte. We dated, but I eventually had to tell him I wasn't feeling the same way as him. I had my weak moments so sometimes I would seek comfort in him, but it was not the same.