Insecure Too (Completed)

33

A/N: Filler. Not super happy with it but whatever

Yazmine

"Babe?" I called from the kitchen where I was eyeing  the items in the refrigerator like it would make more stuff appear within it. We really needed groceries.

Since I moved to Devonte's, I had realized that while I did eat out a lot, my fridge was always more stocked than his. All I saw were protein shakes in there. Yet he was suggesting that I order Hello Fresh, yeah ok.

In my head I mentally cataloged a list to put together. But grocery shopping would have to wait.  I needed to talk to Devonte because he wanted to go ahead and announce our fake break up. But he also wanted my parents to be privy to the fact that it was fake.

"Wassup baby." Entering the kitchen, Tae dropped a kiss on my lips, and I caught a wiff of gym.  I was dreading this conversation. I really needed to talk to Devonte about my parents hesitations about our relationship.

"So my parents are not exactly on board with our relationship right now." I watched as he open the fridge and pulled out a protein shake which he chugged. I had a fine ass man, no doubt about that. Even soaked in sweat from the gym, he looked perfect. Dark brown face sharp and angled, full lips, and muscles everywhere.

"Whachu mean?" He squinted at me.

"I haven't talked to them about the fake break up yet, but before I did I guess I wanted you to kinda hear some of what I've been hearing since the incident."

"They worried it's not safe to be with me?" From his face, he didn't look surprised. I guess he had caught on to the weird energy I had been giving him about them.

"Yeah, mostly. But honestly I wonder if some of this is about you having a child too."

"I talked to your dad before I proposed Yaz, he gave me the ok."

I sighed. "Honestly I don't know how my dad feels, this has been coming from my mom."

"What she been saying?"

"Just basically stuff around the lines is this really what I want, to be with a man who already has a child. And then all the stuff about the stalker and the media."  I puffed out my breath, wondering how we would react.

He was quiet so I looked over to see if he heard me. "I mean, I guess she aint wrong. Is this really what you want? I love you to death and I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, but I know that being with a man who already has a child with someone else would present challenges." He took a deep breath. "And yeah, the media and shit is another layer. But I swear I'll do whatever I can to find this nigga that's harassing you."

I hated seeing the pain in his face and I  hated I was a source of so much of it.

"What I want is you, Tae. It's always been you. Last time I let some bullshit get in the way of us, but this is some shit we can handle. Together."

"What about your moms?"

"She just trying to protect me but I know I can trust you with my heart. And she does too. That's why she worried about the shit you can't control."

"I mean I get that. But I also feel like it's your decison to make, Yaz. Your parents seem like the supportive type, as long as you make it clear that this is really what you want. That's all you can do."

"Yeah," I agreed softly.

"So let's tell them."

*

The talk with my parents went better than I expected. So in the end, Tae was right.

"I feel like I gotta tell Renee, too." Tae was driving, and we were on the way to pick Armon up.

"Yeah, for sure." I wasn't worried about Renee. If anyone wouldn't be leaking things to the press, it was her.

The good thing about being in Atlanta is Devonte was able to keep a pretty low profile. There were a lot of celebrities in Atlanta, but Tae said paparazzi was nowhere near as bad as LA or NYC. Of course, he also said a lot of celebrities called paparazzi themselves to stay relevant. I also noticed that whenever Tae tried to be secretive, the paparazzi were more invested in him. But when he was more open, they left him alone. Paparazzi seemed to be more interested in getting intimate details he tried to hide than catching him shopping for groceries. Hence, when he was kissing me in Indiana when he wasn't supposed to even be there, the paparazzi sniffed him out. Once we made our relationship public, they left us alone for the most part. It was like the mystery was solved and they moved on.

Secretly I was sad I hadn't gotten to make any red carpet appearances with him yet, but my safety was more important than that. He had been nominated for a Grammy which was super huge and I hated that my stalking and nightmares had kind of overshadowed what was a huge moment in his career for him.

We pulled up to Renee's house, and before we could even park, the front door was flung open. Armon became visible, clearly excited and ready to go, but the tug of his mother's hand stopped him.  Devonte grinned when he saw him. "Lil man bouncing off the walls already."

I watched as he got out to greet his son, Renee finally releasing him allowing him to jump into Devonte's arms. It really was touching. Sometimes I wonderd if I was capable of motherhood. It seemed like the most selfless thing a person could do. And I don't know, I was feeling a little selfish right now.

But I could see that Tae was a good dad, and Renee was a good mom. I never felt jealous of her, until I saw them all together. The way they looked at their son. While I was on the outside looking in.

It was moments like this where I could understand why people wanted to keep their families together despite the issues they had individually and collectively. I would do anything to put that  look on Armon's face again.

I knew it had to be tough, coparenting a child that young. The endless shuffle between Mommy's house and Daddy's house. I wondered if it was confusing.

Despite his father coming late into his childhood, Armon clearly knew his mother's boyfriends weren't his father, but who his father was had been a mystery. It was amazing seeing their bond now, how it had progressed so much since they laid eyes on each other for the first time.

But then other times I was happy he had a son, because it relieved some of the pressure on me.  I knew Devonte wanted to be a father, but I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mother. It was a conversation we needed to have, but one I was terrified of.

What would it mean for our relationship if I didn't want children?